I took an evening nap and woke up from a rather disturbing dream.
In it there was a chick that reminded me of multiple redneck white trailer trash chicks I vaguely know. Two in particular. Natalie and Heather. In any case this girl was walking i a 30 foot circle around a kind of island like structure. She was walking in water that first started really shallow only a couple cm deep, but then slowly started to get deeper. Once it reached a certain depth and she had walked enough circles ritualistically it would be game, over a bomb would go off or something kill everyone.
It was my mission to stop her by killing her, but I couldn’t touch her or go near her. She could fight back from the confines of her path. And who knew what powers she had.
What I tried doing was taking a large vibrator/massager and throwing it in turned on with the power cord connected to electrocute her through the water. This didn’t work. The water level began rising and she started bleeding out the sides of her mouth and becoming more diseased and deathly zombie like. I wanted to put her out of her misery and she wanted me to as well, so i tried an extension cord next. This still didn’t work. I became more scared and disturbed by her increasing grotesqueness and the water level rising and the impending doom by the moment.
Eventually she finished her witch like cycles and nothing happened, to both her and my surprise. She came up to me, more herself now but still gross, confused as to why I couldn’t kill her because the last time it was done she died successfully when someone else had to kill her via electrocution.
A little later on I was standing talking to my mom and my gf. The girl came over still a bloody and diseased mess. I felt bad for her. She came to me, and gently rested her head on my back. I had sympathy for her…and was simultaneously drawn to comfort her but also disgusted by her and new she was unpredictable and skitzy. Also she was ruining my nice white sweater with her blood. She left, and my mom and gf were super pissed at me for having felt sympathy for her. Which made me rather annoyed with them. So I left.
Took off the now bloody/diseased sweater but, hung onto it so i could wash it. I also felt somewhat attached to it, and the mess on it, for it still connected my sympathy to the girl.
Then I began packing my things. Again I had too many things to carry and had difficulty fitting them all into my bags. This time a plastic bag and a backpack. And maybe a few others. I was moving form this place I had stayed for a few nights, and I tried enlisting my brother to help me, who didn’t really want to and half ass helped me.
Then I woke up, with feeling very disturbed and disgusted particularly across my chest. I then began thinking about my dream characters and thought if I create my dream characters then they are a manifestation of myself.
The diseased/bloody girl represented my inner child. I was trying to distance and kill my own inner child with my energy/electric power, through the emotion of water. My inner child is so terrifying battered and bruised and diseased and bloody, and it has been walking in circles for a very long time confined to a ritualistic circle walking. I feared that my inner child might kill me.
In real life there are certain broken like girls I come across that then remind me of my inner child that elicit instant sympathy for me. I then also used to have the compulsion to try to save them …in order to save myself. My inner child is dark like witch/Gothic dark, repressed into a black dungeon. I guess this would explain my almost masochistic like desire to that world. I have a thing for goth/tattoo chicks and now I know why.
In real life my mom and gf also get pissed at me when these girls get my attention, it triggers their survival that I am attracted to people so obviously screwed up, as if they will somehow take me away from them and corrupt me. Which begs the question why is my mom and gf so terrified of the exteriorized representations of my inner child, and what the hell are their inner child’s like!?!?
I really resent their judgments of me in those moments, although I do kinda get where they are coming from. But it still pisses me off, because by resenting and being disgusted and judging these girls I feel they are doing the same to my inner child.
I am at the point now where I realize my compulsion to save them is unhealthy, I really need to save myself, but I am still somewhat mesmerized by my own reflection in them. I think thi because I have been so god damn successful at suppressing my inner child and all the emotions it uses to try to contact me.
When I woke up I allowed myself to exist with those emotions of dread for a long time perhaps 20 minutes before allowing them to slowly dissolve. It’s exhausting work physically and emotionally. But I must work through this repression, so i can move beyond it. I have to start caring about my emotional needs. This has to do with my early childhood needs. I don’t even know my own needs because I have repressed them.
The repression factor was initially instigated by mother who didn’t care about my needs, and only hers. This was perpetuated by my old gf, and my new gf now but to a much lesser degree. It’s the law of attraction that if i don’t know/care about my own emotional needs I will attract others who won’t either, and when I do begin to, they will lash out at me as happened in my dream and engage in passive aggressive like repression tactics like i do to my inner child.
The goal here is that I need to begin listening to my inner child/self what it’s asking for and to stick up for it, despite the resistance It may garner. I have to stay true to myself, and stop resisting my inner self/child so much as well. I do this by listening to my body and emotions more often. And paying attention to, and writing down my dreams. I haven’t done that enough recently.