Mobility & will – learning to fly

This evening I lay down for a nap and had a dream with many recurring elements in it. I remember biking to a elementary school with a friend to learn something important or perhaps assist someone. When we got there my friend tried stealing someone else’s lock to lock his own bike, and the teacher and another kid got upset with him. I couldn’t understand  how you could steal a lock int he first place, considering it’s a device meant to prevent theft. Not quite sure what the meaning of that was.

In my next dream I had to drive somewhere in my old Honda civic, but the roads were super icy and I was dreading the time it would take to get somewhere being forced to drive slow and cautiously. My mom asked me if I wanted to use her new lexus SUV, and I couldn’t decide which one would be better. I figured maybe hers because the tires probably had better studs. I normally like vehicles lower to the ground and dislike SUV’s and trucks…although they are functionally a bit better when it comes to snow.

Then I decided to stash my car, lock it up, noticed I had left my snowboarding backpack inside and was torn if I should leave it, and if it would be safe. Then I was walking back to the house, it was dark outside and I looked up and saw a large white cigar shaped UFO zip by overhead. Mesmerized I yelled at my parents to look, and they couldn’t care. Proof of alien life, I was ecstatic. More ships began to appear. I took out my phone and tried videotaping them, barley believing my luck at experiencing this.

One UFO craft looped around and came back, I looked closely and was disappointed as it looked man made. It even had an american flag on it, but it was crossed off, weird. It came close and let out a landing stair/ladder. I ran over and climbed aboard, where I was met by an alien lizard like man. I followed him to central command, and the ship was teeming with alien creatures and animals. The thing was basically Noah’s ark!

All the creatures were quite happy to see me. There was wild tigers, lions brushing past my legs and large box’s of balls like those in indoor kid’s playgrounds.

—–

The backpack represents my early childhood needs. As a child and teenager my backpack contained importantly my food (need nourishment) for school. It also contained my information/knowledge in the form of homework and textbooks which signified mental dissociation as well and the attachment issues related to that. My backpack also contained my discman or walkman which was my source of allowing emotional expression through music. Often as children our honest emotions are shunned and music becomes an escape or an avenue for those emotions that were repressed as a form of pseudo expression through singing along in our heads through other peoples voices and the vibrations of musical instruments,

In essence my backpack is a survival backpack and all associated attachment issues contained therein. Interestingly then it also signifies the belief that needs and existence are contingent or validated externally. As if they are object outside of myself I need to carry rather than things I intrinsically have within.

On the healthy side, it was my snowboarding backpack which symbolizes my autonomy. As a kid I always picked mountaineering or functional extreme sports style backpacks.

The reoccurring car/mobility issues dream element I had thought symbolized issues around autonomy. I realized for me it doesn’t.

For me it has to do with will which is signified as parental resistance to the child acting with it’s own power.

As a kid age 4-12, my parents used to take me and my sibling on very long camping trips across north america. Often involving several thousand miles of driving. We used to spend days on end travelling, first in a van and then in a truck that had more a bench in the back than genuine seats. This was pure torture for me I was extremely bored, and antsy. I was furious with my parents and had to contain lots of anger at being constrained in such a manner. My sister and I would often fight and then we would get spanked. This is similar to my church experience where I would have to sit quietly for 6 hours a week minimum since I was born. Also caused a lot of armoring in myself physiologically and emotionally.

This is a persistent “trauma” that has haunted me all my life, and now haunts me in my dreams. I have never enjoyed driving. My parents got me a car at 16, and while normally most kids would be super happy, they did it so they wouldn’t have to drive me around to the places I needed to be. I would rather any day live in a city such as NYC where I could walk or take the train everywhere avoiding vehicles all together.

In my late teens and twenties I had to drive between 30-60 minutes often on ice to get to school through rush hour traffic. This was a traumatic recapitulation of church and early childhood camping trips and perpetuated the stress and time anxiety issues associated with being in a vehicle. Long days sitting in school were sometimes bad, but didn’t feel as confining. Airplanes while they may get you places faster were almost just as bad, in that you are sandwiched so close between people and have even less movement room than in a car.

I love “traveling” places as in I enjoy the destinations. The getting there part though almost makes it not worth it however. I went on 3-4 week vacations with my family from age 4-26 yearly. I managed to see half the world in that time which I am grateful for.

Now I avoid driving at all costs, and when I do have to I try to make the most of it. Being the driver or the passenger makes little difference to me. It causes me a lot of muscular tension as it brings up those feelings of resistance and having to emotionally push through by tensing up. This happens almost subconsciously. And if there is a week where I don’t have to drive, my dreams will take care of it recreating those conditions leaving me exhausted upon waking.

As a counter-point to these issues, I used to do lots of biking, skateboarding, rollerblading, snowboarding and recently kiteboarding. I love exploring (healthy autonomy) and doing it via a way I can move move and express my body. As a teenager I used to go on midnight runs listening to angry rock music and linkin park, venting those anger emotions of feeling confined by my parents. I enjoy being on boats/ships. As a kid I loved going on a ferry. Being in transport while having plenty of freedom to move around without being confined to sit in a narrow space. Also riding first class on a train that is going 200km/hr is very enjoyable. There are no seat-belts, you are free to walk around, got o a restaurant, sit at a bar, etc.

I have some serious nervous system re-wiring I need to do around this issue. This has been a great driving force for me in terms that one of my life goals is to build a spaceship so I can get anywhere I want quick.

Last weekend I watched Maleficent and seeing her fly was nearly orgasmic. I wish i had wings. When in the film her wings were clipped, I felt so much raw empathy. The anger and resentment that ensued is something i have not allowed it’s expression so watching it on screen was rather cathartic. The film really moved me on levels I am scarcely aware of and that I just realized after this dream today.

I wish I had wings in that I feel that it would resolve my will issues. I feel that imagining this may be one of the most empowering things that I can do. In the film Maleficent uses the power of her wings to knock people down in bouts of anger. Will is a lot about repressed anger and so this is a good healthy expression of that.

It’s no coincidence that the banner image for this site is of Illidian and he is a angry gothic like fallen druid with almost broken tattered wings. In many ways this is the way my inner child feels inside, and ti want to rise out like a phoenix form the ashes.

The archetypal symbolism associated with these emotions astounds me, especially how they are manifested into reality, fantasy or real. Dragons also have had a profound impact on me.

Will is ultimately about power and being able to assert your own power. It’s about managing the flow of energy and raw power within and expressing it. This is the primary thing I incarnated on earth to learn about. I am interested in the energy source that propels movement in all its forms. Biologically, emotional and technical. I aim to master it in all it’s forms.

My dream specifically the UFO craft with all the animals in it was my inner self showing me the way how to resolve this issue. I have had countless car/helicopter/plane/flying dreams where I have had issues. Now that I know where those issues stem from I can develop a plan to move forward and build inner resources so that I can find resolution and truly fly. Who knows maybe one day I will actually have wings. I can start with lucid dreams perhaps.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s