I have always prided myself in my ability to spot hypocrisy in other people. Sometimes I feel like I am THE world expert on it. The difference between what people say and what they do never seemingly escapes me. I feel like I have a dogs nose for people insecurities and the devious methods they use to cover them up. It’s also kind of like crack for me.
Which leads to sarcasm. A cruel sense of humor. I can sometimes be calculating cold and cruel in this manner as I point out people’s insecurities and the discrepancies in their logic.
My intent isn’t be cruel, many times I wish I could say things in a nicer manner, but sometimes I think truth is a dish best served cold. Also I feel many times that honesty=cruelty especially when it comes to touchy subjects. I have a real difficult time imagining how certain things can be broken to people in a “nice” way.
In essence people’s insecurities frighten me. I see them as a threat to my survival, chiefly because my mother had so very many. As a kid I had to adapt to her emotionalism in order to survive and this involved reality testing her behaviors.
The catch here though is other people’s insecurities frighten me because my OWN insecurities frighten me. Because I am so aware of other people’s hypocrisy it makes me feel I am also self-aware of my own. I feel I am the least hypocritical person most self-honest person out there because of this.
However recent therapy sessions have made me become aware of a profound disconnect between my thoughts and my emotions. A type of cognitive dissonance.
I have a bitter edge towards happiness, and getting needs met, a certain in-built bias. I feel that most peoples happiness is disingenuous, and really what they are experiencing is a type of false high to cover up their pain. In reality this is how I feel about my own happiness when i do experience it. I feel like I am being disingenuous to my inner hurt child/self.
The recent therapy I went for however changed something in me. It got me to sense into a type of contact support I had never really allowed myself to feel. This has started opening up my heart to be more open and free. Others peoples insecurities including my own cause my heart to clamp down and lock itself up out of fear. Opening it up makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, however I realize my heart does not to be alone, but that there are other bodily and emotional resources available chiefly in my back and those supporting my “back” that can support my heart.
I am now trying to move to a place, where I can still spot hypocrisy, however instead of feeling negative towards it, being compassionate and understanding. And then perhaps playfully pointing it out to others/myself in a safe supportive environment that facilitates compassionate change rather a sarcastic shaming one.
When insecurities are brought up I feel that some level of shame is unavoidable, however if you immediately offer redemption it severely lessons the pain. Bringing internal insecurities of others/self to light should really be a joyous evolutionary moment. It’s a moment of self-betterment, of increased awareness, and expansion of consciousness, a liberation…a redemption.
The insecurities really are surface matter, debris that can be cleared, that a delightful soul exists underneath that is quite separate and distinct.