The last several days feels like I had entered an alternate universe. I have recently been single and had a profile on PoF when someone with no pictures contacted me asking intriguing and unusual questions. Normally women won’t show a picture of themselves because they are self-conscious of their looks for a legitimate reason, hoping to win someone on personality or mutual interest alone. This had happened to me before, however after a few messages we exchanged our personal blogs that detailed our trips and experiences with psychedelics. To both our utter amazement, the style of writing, the depth of inquiry, the apparent drive for honesty and unmasking in our writings was nearly identical. Her blog was virtually the woman-version of mine and vice-versa. At that point I made the decision I had to meet this faceless stranger, no matter what she actually looked like, who’s deepest intimate thoughts and feelings mirrored mine to such an uncanny level.
I made some flight adjustments to my trip back home to stop over in her city. I had never met a woman off any dating site, nor had I gone out of my way to fly and meet one, especially one that was so private she wouldn’t even show me a picture. What if she stood me up?… Hotels, flights had been booked, it felt risky, yet a risk worth taking.
It was a Saturday morning at 10am when she came to pick me up at my hotel. We had barely even texted, and hadn’t even talked on the phone. To be sure I was a bit nervous, but my excitement and curiosity was stronger. I was also psychologically preparing myself to have as little good fantasy or bad \\ like-expectations as possible. Which is tough for me. I was stepping into the void, standing at the edge of the unknown….a theme that would keep coming up over the next several days.
When I went out to meet her, I saw a gentle mature soul looking back at me. She was obviously a bit nervous as well, and that did ease my anxiety as I was not alone in this feeling. I trusted her instantly and off we drove to grab some breakfast.
We made small talk initially getting to know each other better. After breakfast we visited the nicest new age bookstore I had ever been where we talked about and showed each other all the various books we had read. After we took a short walk on the beach, had lunch at whole foods and then made the trek out to a place called Deep Cove. There we would find ourselves on a bench overlooking a beautiful cove and going into incredibly deep and fascinating conversation. We were going deep in deep cove….oh the irony.
At one point in the conversation she admitted to feeling very vulnerable, and that she was not used to this, she being the one that normally had incredible insight into people by psychoanalyzing them. Well she had just met her match and got a taste of her own medicine. I felt a little shy/guilty yet at the same time appreciated the look of vulnerability in her eyes. It put me in touch with my own. It was a precious slightly uncomfortable moment, that starts to bring tears to my eyes.
I appreciated her quest to uncover defenses/masks so much. I felt such gratitude to bond with another soul that shared this value. And I could tell the feeling was mutual.
As we walked back to her car, the compulsion to put my arm around her started to grow strongly. We had only met in person but five hours ago for the first time, and already I wanted to hold her hand, as a couple would who have known each other for quite sometime. I resisted the urge. It felt premature, even though it felt so right on a heart level.
We went for a nice dimly lit dinner at a hip restaurant. She remarked how my face had changed, and I looked like a different person. At some point in the conversation I began feeling terror. The DMT trip feeling of being lost in a self made cube universe came over me. The more I paid attention to the feeling the more the terror amplified. I became concerned that I might break down into psychosis and go mad, right there and then in the restaurant.
I can’t quite say for certain what triggers this. There seemed to be a certain look in here eye, or perhaps a place somewhere inside her that put me in touch or somehow reminded me of that dreadful place. Perhaps it was her comfort of being in a place she called “the void”. The feeling did pass I willed myself out of it. I didn’t tell Miss.Pouncy at the time, because I was scared her concern and moreover her curiosity about it would make it worse.
After she dropped me off at my place, we hugged for an unusually long time, and it felt so good. She invited me to stay at her place the following night, saying she had an extra guest bedroom.
The following day she picked me up at 2:30 ( she had had a scheduled psychic reading that morning…more on this later) and took me to her neighborhood area. We went on a walk at yet another beautiful beach, and then visited a beach town. I’m pretty sure she was trying to shit-test my anger, because we parked at the very top of a massive hill to walk down to the pier, and had to walk all the way up. It was strenuous but I didn’t mind, haha. After we grabbed some good pizza and went to her cute humble abode. I loved the decor and look inside, it was just the kind of place I would get/make.
The accuracy of this was rather mind-blowing, it described on so many levels what was happening and what was yet to come.
She asked some further questions of the tarot, about me and was getting a fox symbolizing trickery. That was interesting, as I felt strongly we were both embarking on a journey to breakdown and see behind illusions.
That reading left me with a massive amount of emotions I could barely process going in all different directions.
I decided to act on my compulsions from the night before. I had been drawn to stroking her arm and touching her face much like children like to touch the faces of their parents. The DMT like terror seemingly had invoked a desire to affirm her physicality apart from me. I wanted to make sure she was real…..that all of this was real. Things had become more surreal than I ever imagined possible.
She noticed that as I was doing it there was great sadness bound up with feelings of playfulness for me. She then also began to question if she carried those same mixed-entwined emotions and it seems as if she did.
I kept stroking her, when she spontaneously kissed me on the lips, quite proud and satisfied with herself for having made the first bold move. Shortly after she cuddled into my chest and I held her. It felt soooo very good to hold her close. My mind may have been confused but the feelings in my heart held steadfast for her.
We gazed into each others eyes, seeking to understand each other better. At one point she was looking at me with such profound compassion and appreciation while I was talking . It was difficult to take in, even now in retrospect it is difficult. Her love was so deep, so powerful and so life affirming. It seemed to good to be true, like I didn’t deserve that kind of love, that no one could love or affirm me in that way. And yet here she was even after I revealed aspects of myself that I thought cast me in negative light. My shadowy struggles for depth and intimacy in relationship.
This relationship between her and I seemed to work in the reverse of most relationships. The more we saw each others darkness the more we appreciated each other. Especially the courage it takes town own the darkness within, feel it fully and show it. Normally that sends people running off in different directions, but here with us it forges an even stronger more intimate bond.
Between her 30+ ayahusca journeys’ and all my psychotherapy we are both on an unrelenting path to own and bring to light all the pain and hurts within ourselves down to the deepest possible levels. The intimacy this opens up is awe inspiring and breathtaking.
Miss.Pouncy kept using the word trust. Trusting in our selves and each other and trusting our deepest emotions no matter how “negative” they might seem.
Another interesting thing happened was with time. Normally when having a good time with someone time moves by very quickly. Well between Miss. Pouncy and I the reverse was true. Every day felt like 2.5 years. The amount that was going on an emotional and spiritual levels between us was difficult to even wrap my mind around. Things internally moved faster than I could perceive and comprehend giving the effect of slow moving time.
The more time I spend with her, looking into her eyes, I can see layers and walls come down. I can see past some even though they are still there and keep me out. I can sense the desire behind them. Likewise with me as well. I know this process will take time and perhaps one day we will emotionally reach the deepest parts of our souls in full trust , love and appreciation.
——–some time later——
As I lay next to her in bed spooning her, my heart chakra expanded to the full size of my chest. I felt its raw red power spinning slowly and strongly. My sacral chakra was also activated with an orange vortex of medium size. As I pressed my chest into her back, I could feel her heart chakra open from behind, and draw in the raw primal energy emanating from my chest. I could feel it being quenched and cooled. A trans-formative process was taking place. A powerful conduit had formed. I felt so much compassion and love within my body for her.
I had to consciously work on containing the energy and allowing her lithe body to absorb it. It was a powerful mixing of her yin with my yang. It felt rejuvenating, the tremendous pressure of the compassion and desire building in me was soothed. This process lasted maybe 5-10 mins but felt like hours. I felt more powerful after, as if my capacity for primal heart compassion had just increased. In a way her yin extended back into my heart contracting the ferocious sun like torrent of energy that had been continuously created by my desire since I had first met her.
I felt I was achieving a certain level of mastery over powerful heart energies. Normally my heart wants to explode outwards with compassion when the desire gets this strong, but I worked hard to not allow that to happen. The result was a more powerful and contained heart. I can feel my capacity for intimacy, self and other….. evolving in leaps and bounds, just by containing and consciously structuring the flow of the powerful forces of desire contained within me.
Never had I been so well matched. Her yin and my yang energies are of equal power, complementing and balancing each other out through a continuous dynamic tension. Driving us powerfully towards ever deeper levels of intimacy and creative energetic capacity.
When you don’t “give your heart away” but keep it and allow room for desire to build and the associated energies, your capacity to love authentically increases.
We ask ourselves is there a limit, to depth with which this can go. Or is it infinite? What a wonderful mystery that we can explore together. We had spent merely four days together having gone deeper than ever before in that short period of time. We both came to the conclusion that this is merely the beginning, the very tip of the iceberg. A whole new way of being is possible, and now and then I get small glimpses in her eyes of what may be possible if we continue this journey together. This ocean is much deeper than I had ever imagined. The inner beauty being of such vividness and vastness. Journeying “into” her is also a simultaneous journey “into” myself. This is not a solitary journey, although I believe for some it can be done to a certain level. I do believe though that to gain access to the deepest portions the powerful forces of yin and yang must be harnessed. The reciprocal mirroring that occurs in relationship, is what creates the internal and emotional reference frames. It is a relational process!
I know this journey wont be all easy. There still are numerous defenses that her and I have that need to come down, and some of that may be painful. But it is my hope that we can support each other in that process and be compassionate mirrors. Also there are new emotional & psychological skills we need to learn to help better contain these powerful torrents of energy, new as of yet unknown ways of managing and structuring energy within ourselves.
——Some time later———-
I was lying in bed with her, she took my hand and pressed it on top of her yoni. She’s wearing underwear and shorts yet I can still feel the contour of her yoni lips underneath. She is deeply aroused and presses her yoni firmly into my hand, as I press gently down on her mons, and gripping the lower part of her vagina firmly with my fingers. She presses her hips and yoni into my hands in a very slow moving wave like motion. She is breathing slowly as well. My breathing goes deeper and slower too.
Watching her in deep pleasure, affirming it helps me create greater capacity for my own pleasure. In that moment I was so present and keenly aware of our separation, and the utter beauty of her enjoying and going deep into the pleasure of her own body. Normally I would have the compulsion to try and merge my energy with hers, and project into her pleasure. This I would not allow myself to do. In fact I did the opposite, going deep within myself and feeling my sensual arousal in tandem with hers.
Normally this extremely high level of arousal would cause me to “loose control” or dissociate. It feels to good to be true. The fact that she was writhing so slowly though, helped slow everything down for me too. I enjoyed the slowness of it all, I could feel my capacity for pleasure building. It was I like I was a large container; a vast reservoir of water that was being firmly stirred. The energy would circulate throughout my torso.
The more I could appreciate/affirm her sensuality the more I could appreciate/affirm my own. The more I could appreciate/affirm my own the more I could appreciate/affirm hers. This was a powerful cycle that kept building, greater and greater capacity for sensuality. It was creating a profoundly deep level of visceral and powerful intimacy.
I wanted the moment to last forever, to hold on to it, realizing it would end. I made a startling realization though, that the moment would last forever, in it’s own dimensionalized time slice. I could have access to that moment in the future, and know that it still existed and a part of me was still experiencing that loving slow sensual bliss. It felt like new avenues to extend and enhance pleasure through the manipulation of time were possible. A multidimensionality was now accessible through the powerful intensity of the emotions in that moment. I felt it with every cell in my being soaking it up.
When we make out the same thing happens for me. I start to tune inwards into my solar plexus and sacral chakra. I nurture the desire and ferocious arousal that is building. I then work to contain these feelings as I kiss her and embrace her. I feel the raw power of my own sensuality coursing through my body and meeting hers at the boundary of our skin, lips and our tongues. My breathing becomes powerfully deep. I feel like am becoming a great beast….a Jaguar of immense raw energetic muscular power. The feeling is incredibly life affirming, physical reality affirming, physical body affirming.
When I open my eyes I can see the power inside her, her top eyelids relaxed, here eyes cast down feeling her own sensual desire, giving into it, and expressing it. Sometimes her razer nails come out, seeking to express that feral desire. (she promises to cut them shorter, ouch.)
In those moments we are connected in ecstatic bliss, that feels supernatural. This is not some kind of mental abstracted dream world of fairy-tale love, this is primal, ethereal, elemental. The energies so powerful they extend beyond physical reality into ethereal primal spiritual dimensions of raw emotional power.
We both have inner Jaguars seeking to meet. Our sensual explorations are helping us build capacity so that we can handle the tremendous power so that one day they can and will meet. I can feel myself evolving with every encounter with her. Going deeper becoming more me, individuating, strengthening my visceral physical and spiritual ego.
The desire is also so strong it is forging connections with various aspects of my multidimensional self. I, my body then becomes the conduit of focal point for channeling other aspects of my self and entity in communion with the multidimensional aspects of her and her aspects. Now and then she see’s different faces flash across my face…an asian man, a black man…an old man.
When we engage in sensual passion her face changes as well, I can see that I am not just making love to one person but many beings expressed through her own unique individuality. One of those even appears to be a desert Mesopotamian princess.
To be continued…..in future posts.