Category Archives: Dream Analysis

Mobility & will – learning to fly

This evening I lay down for a nap and had a dream with many recurring elements in it. I remember biking to a elementary school with a friend to learn something important or perhaps assist someone. When we got there my friend tried stealing someone else’s lock to lock his own bike, and the teacher and another kid got upset with him. I couldn’t understand  how you could steal a lock int he first place, considering it’s a device meant to prevent theft. Not quite sure what the meaning of that was.

In my next dream I had to drive somewhere in my old Honda civic, but the roads were super icy and I was dreading the time it would take to get somewhere being forced to drive slow and cautiously. My mom asked me if I wanted to use her new lexus SUV, and I couldn’t decide which one would be better. I figured maybe hers because the tires probably had better studs. I normally like vehicles lower to the ground and dislike SUV’s and trucks…although they are functionally a bit better when it comes to snow.

Then I decided to stash my car, lock it up, noticed I had left my snowboarding backpack inside and was torn if I should leave it, and if it would be safe. Then I was walking back to the house, it was dark outside and I looked up and saw a large white cigar shaped UFO zip by overhead. Mesmerized I yelled at my parents to look, and they couldn’t care. Proof of alien life, I was ecstatic. More ships began to appear. I took out my phone and tried videotaping them, barley believing my luck at experiencing this.

One UFO craft looped around and came back, I looked closely and was disappointed as it looked man made. It even had an american flag on it, but it was crossed off, weird. It came close and let out a landing stair/ladder. I ran over and climbed aboard, where I was met by an alien lizard like man. I followed him to central command, and the ship was teeming with alien creatures and animals. The thing was basically Noah’s ark!

All the creatures were quite happy to see me. There was wild tigers, lions brushing past my legs and large box’s of balls like those in indoor kid’s playgrounds.

—–

The backpack represents my early childhood needs. As a child and teenager my backpack contained importantly my food (need nourishment) for school. It also contained my information/knowledge in the form of homework and textbooks which signified mental dissociation as well and the attachment issues related to that. My backpack also contained my discman or walkman which was my source of allowing emotional expression through music. Often as children our honest emotions are shunned and music becomes an escape or an avenue for those emotions that were repressed as a form of pseudo expression through singing along in our heads through other peoples voices and the vibrations of musical instruments,

In essence my backpack is a survival backpack and all associated attachment issues contained therein. Interestingly then it also signifies the belief that needs and existence are contingent or validated externally. As if they are object outside of myself I need to carry rather than things I intrinsically have within.

On the healthy side, it was my snowboarding backpack which symbolizes my autonomy. As a kid I always picked mountaineering or functional extreme sports style backpacks.

The reoccurring car/mobility issues dream element I had thought symbolized issues around autonomy. I realized for me it doesn’t.

For me it has to do with will which is signified as parental resistance to the child acting with it’s own power.

As a kid age 4-12, my parents used to take me and my sibling on very long camping trips across north america. Often involving several thousand miles of driving. We used to spend days on end travelling, first in a van and then in a truck that had more a bench in the back than genuine seats. This was pure torture for me I was extremely bored, and antsy. I was furious with my parents and had to contain lots of anger at being constrained in such a manner. My sister and I would often fight and then we would get spanked. This is similar to my church experience where I would have to sit quietly for 6 hours a week minimum since I was born. Also caused a lot of armoring in myself physiologically and emotionally.

This is a persistent “trauma” that has haunted me all my life, and now haunts me in my dreams. I have never enjoyed driving. My parents got me a car at 16, and while normally most kids would be super happy, they did it so they wouldn’t have to drive me around to the places I needed to be. I would rather any day live in a city such as NYC where I could walk or take the train everywhere avoiding vehicles all together.

In my late teens and twenties I had to drive between 30-60 minutes often on ice to get to school through rush hour traffic. This was a traumatic recapitulation of church and early childhood camping trips and perpetuated the stress and time anxiety issues associated with being in a vehicle. Long days sitting in school were sometimes bad, but didn’t feel as confining. Airplanes while they may get you places faster were almost just as bad, in that you are sandwiched so close between people and have even less movement room than in a car.

I love “traveling” places as in I enjoy the destinations. The getting there part though almost makes it not worth it however. I went on 3-4 week vacations with my family from age 4-26 yearly. I managed to see half the world in that time which I am grateful for.

Now I avoid driving at all costs, and when I do have to I try to make the most of it. Being the driver or the passenger makes little difference to me. It causes me a lot of muscular tension as it brings up those feelings of resistance and having to emotionally push through by tensing up. This happens almost subconsciously. And if there is a week where I don’t have to drive, my dreams will take care of it recreating those conditions leaving me exhausted upon waking.

As a counter-point to these issues, I used to do lots of biking, skateboarding, rollerblading, snowboarding and recently kiteboarding. I love exploring (healthy autonomy) and doing it via a way I can move move and express my body. As a teenager I used to go on midnight runs listening to angry rock music and linkin park, venting those anger emotions of feeling confined by my parents. I enjoy being on boats/ships. As a kid I loved going on a ferry. Being in transport while having plenty of freedom to move around without being confined to sit in a narrow space. Also riding first class on a train that is going 200km/hr is very enjoyable. There are no seat-belts, you are free to walk around, got o a restaurant, sit at a bar, etc.

I have some serious nervous system re-wiring I need to do around this issue. This has been a great driving force for me in terms that one of my life goals is to build a spaceship so I can get anywhere I want quick.

Last weekend I watched Maleficent and seeing her fly was nearly orgasmic. I wish i had wings. When in the film her wings were clipped, I felt so much raw empathy. The anger and resentment that ensued is something i have not allowed it’s expression so watching it on screen was rather cathartic. The film really moved me on levels I am scarcely aware of and that I just realized after this dream today.

I wish I had wings in that I feel that it would resolve my will issues. I feel that imagining this may be one of the most empowering things that I can do. In the film Maleficent uses the power of her wings to knock people down in bouts of anger. Will is a lot about repressed anger and so this is a good healthy expression of that.

It’s no coincidence that the banner image for this site is of Illidian and he is a angry gothic like fallen druid with almost broken tattered wings. In many ways this is the way my inner child feels inside, and ti want to rise out like a phoenix form the ashes.

The archetypal symbolism associated with these emotions astounds me, especially how they are manifested into reality, fantasy or real. Dragons also have had a profound impact on me.

Will is ultimately about power and being able to assert your own power. It’s about managing the flow of energy and raw power within and expressing it. This is the primary thing I incarnated on earth to learn about. I am interested in the energy source that propels movement in all its forms. Biologically, emotional and technical. I aim to master it in all it’s forms.

My dream specifically the UFO craft with all the animals in it was my inner self showing me the way how to resolve this issue. I have had countless car/helicopter/plane/flying dreams where I have had issues. Now that I know where those issues stem from I can develop a plan to move forward and build inner resources so that I can find resolution and truly fly. Who knows maybe one day I will actually have wings. I can start with lucid dreams perhaps.

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Wounded Inner goth child dream

I took an evening nap and woke up from a rather disturbing dream.

In it there was a chick that reminded me of multiple redneck white trailer trash chicks I vaguely know. Two in particular. Natalie and Heather. In any case this girl was walking i a 30 foot circle around a kind of island like structure. She was walking in water that first started really shallow only a couple cm deep, but then slowly started to get deeper. Once it reached a certain depth and she had walked enough circles ritualistically it would be game, over a bomb would go off or something kill everyone.

It was my mission to stop her by killing her, but I couldn’t touch her or go near her. She could fight back from the confines of her path. And who knew what powers she had.

What I tried doing was taking a large vibrator/massager and throwing it in turned on with the power cord connected to electrocute her through the water. This didn’t work. The water level began rising and she started bleeding out the sides of her mouth and becoming more diseased and deathly zombie like. I wanted to put her out of her misery and she wanted me to as well, so i tried an extension cord next. This still didn’t work. I became more scared and disturbed by her increasing grotesqueness and the water level rising and the impending doom by the moment.

Eventually she finished her witch like cycles and nothing happened, to both her and my surprise. She came up to me, more herself now but still gross, confused as to why I couldn’t kill her because the last time it was done she died successfully when someone else had to kill her via electrocution.

A little later on I was standing talking to my mom and my gf. The girl came over still a bloody and diseased mess. I felt bad for her. She came to me, and gently rested her head on my back. I had sympathy for her…and was simultaneously drawn to comfort her but also disgusted by her and new she was unpredictable and skitzy. Also she was ruining my nice white sweater with her blood. She left, and my mom and gf were super pissed at me for having felt sympathy for her. Which made me rather annoyed with them. So I left.

Took off the now bloody/diseased sweater but, hung onto it so i could wash it. I also felt somewhat attached to it, and the mess on it, for it still connected my sympathy to the girl.

Then I began packing my things. Again I had too many things to carry and had difficulty fitting them all into my bags. This time a plastic bag and a backpack. And maybe a few others. I was moving form this place I had stayed for a few nights, and I tried enlisting my brother to help me, who didn’t really want to and half ass helped me.

Then I woke up, with feeling very disturbed and disgusted particularly across my chest. I then began thinking about my dream characters and thought if I create my dream characters then they are a manifestation of myself.

The diseased/bloody girl represented my inner child. I was trying to distance and kill my own inner child with my energy/electric power, through the emotion of water. My inner child is so terrifying battered and bruised and diseased and bloody, and it has been walking in circles for a very long time confined to a ritualistic circle walking. I feared that my inner child might kill me.

In real life there are certain broken like girls I come across that then remind me of my inner child that elicit instant sympathy for me. I then also used to have the compulsion to try to save them …in order to save myself. My inner child is dark like witch/Gothic dark, repressed into a black dungeon. I guess this would explain my almost masochistic like desire to that world. I have a thing for goth/tattoo chicks and now I know why.

In real life my mom and gf also get pissed at me when these girls get my attention, it triggers their survival that I am attracted to people so obviously screwed up, as if they will somehow take me away from them and corrupt me. Which begs the question why is my mom and gf so terrified of the exteriorized representations of my inner child, and what the hell are their inner child’s like!?!?

I really resent their judgments of me in those moments, although I do kinda get where they are coming from. But it still pisses me off, because by resenting and being disgusted and judging these girls I feel they are doing the same to my inner child.

I am at the point now where I realize my compulsion to save them is unhealthy, I really need to save myself, but I am still somewhat mesmerized by my own reflection in them. I think thi because I have been so god damn successful at suppressing my inner child and all the emotions it uses to try to contact me.

When I woke up I allowed myself to exist with those emotions of dread for a long time perhaps 20 minutes before allowing them to slowly dissolve. It’s exhausting work physically and emotionally. But I must work through this repression, so i can move beyond it. I have to start caring about my emotional needs. This has to do with my early childhood needs. I don’t even know my own needs because I have repressed them.

The repression factor was initially instigated by mother who didn’t care about my needs, and only hers. This was perpetuated by my old gf, and my new gf now but to a much lesser degree. It’s the law of attraction that if i don’t know/care about my own emotional needs I will attract others who won’t either, and when I do begin to, they will lash out at me as happened in my dream and engage in passive aggressive like repression tactics like i do to my inner child.

The goal here is that I need to begin listening to my inner child/self what it’s asking for and to stick up for it, despite the resistance It may garner. I have to stay true to myself, and stop resisting my inner self/child so much as well. I do this by listening to my body and emotions more often. And paying attention to, and writing down my dreams. I haven’t done that enough recently.

 

 

 

Finding clothing – time anxiety dream

Recently I have been having a reoccurring dream where I am going between two closets in the house I used to live in with my parents. I am trying to find suitable clothing to wear.

The first time it was for a laser tag game and I was trying to find pants my black lulu’s that had cooling mesh behind the knees. The second time it was for school and I was trying to find a suitable shirt. I was even checking my old stash of shirts from 5-10 years ago.

It was just taking so long for me to decide. I was getting anxiety about running out of time. It felt like I was incapacitated by analysis spinning my “mind” wheels trying to figure out the ideal.

I really don’t know what this dream means….

Why is the fridge so important?

Last night I had a dream I was arriving at school first day. I had dragged in a large stainless steel fridge from my home with me that I set up right next to my locker. This way I could store all the necessary food I needed.

As I looked through the fridge I realized I had accidentally also taken all the food from home with it, including numerous large dishes that my gf had made. Instantly I became overwhelmed and stressed about trying to bring all this food I didn’t need back home to my gf. There was just no way I could carry it all. I became very flustered. Why couldn’t she have put it all into sealed containers, so I could stack them and carry them. Instead they were all open.

It dawned on me then that I didn’t have a fridge at home now, and I needed one there as well. Also I didn’t want other people using my fridge sticking their own food into it, quickly it wouldn’t even be “my” fridge. So I reneged on my decision and decided I needed to take the fridge back home. But this was going to be a lot more difficult for some reason. It’s as if it were heavier, So I decided to break the fridge into parts. However it was a long trip back to my vehicle and I wasn’t sure if I could fit all into my car, where as before I had brought it with a truck. More stress and anxiety.

The school then turned into this new age-hipster LA party scene. My sage-friend wanted to give me his pet lizard and his large aquarium cage, I really didn’t have room now and became even more stressed. Then I also realized the kitchen at the party took my fridge. I went to go get it back. But now the trip back to my car was even longer creating more anxiety. Me and my gf were carting parts, and then I couldn’t remember where I had left the car….my mobility. Now I was really stressed and anxious, desperately searching for my car and dragging these cumbersome and heavy fridge parts.

——–Analysis———

The fridge is a symbol of my body and the food inside the fridge is a symbol of individual emotions.

The unwrapped food dishes are symbolic of my emotional over-openness. Putting the fridge in a public place, is symbolic of how I am too open and take/consume other peoples emotions and it becomes too much for me to handle.

The fridge containing more stuff than I carry is also symbolic of how I carry and hold on to too many open-ended emotions often also other peoples.

The heavy fridge perhaps symbolizes how I feel my body is too heavy for my spirit to carry, symbolizing the chronic fatigue I have felt for most of my life.

The fact the fridge is something that preserves and keeps things cool is also symbolic of my tendency to hold onto feminine energy/emotions.

I am not quite sure what message/lesson I am supposed to take from all of this. I am aware of most of these issues. What I want to know is how to heal from the underlying causes…

In the dream I had very little conscious free will/control, it was more like I was obeying my individual impulse fears and desires and I was on a ride I couldn’t stop, reflect or change my trajectory.

What am I most defensive about?

destructive defensive

This is a tough one for me. And I am not really quite sure I know the answer. But the thing I am perhaps innerly most defensive about is my desire/method to connect with people via excitement or activation. I call it mind enthusiasm.

I feel like my root desires are wrong and the way I go about trying to get connection is wrong yet even knowing that both are wrong I defend them. I don’t know another way. This is a bit abstract for me, and rather cleverly hidden from myself by aspects of myself so it’s difficult to articulate.

I desire group connection above all else. And there is something wrong with this, or at least the motivation behind it. I am operating from an insecurity a state of fundamental fear of loss of connection and fear of being lonely.

Then the way I try to make up for that insecurity/fear is use excitement emotion, to dissociate into my head and use the excitement emotion of the prospect of intimacy to try to get connection.

Last night I had a dream I was trying to get a part on the show “Gossip Girl”. ( a show my gf watches)  I was trying to get in by enthusiasm alone, but that was not good enough. I needed emotional control in order to act, and knew I didn’t have it and thus didn’t deserve the part or the subsequent connection of working with a team to construct a show.

The dude interviewing me for the part was nice at first then turned into a real ass. . He was informing me my intention for wanting be on the show was wrong in the first place. Then I became defensive about my method. This opened up a lot of repressed hurt inside me as my instant compulsion was to defend that very motivation.

The thing is after I didn’t really know what my motivation should be….what was wrong with the desire to connect with people and work together in a meaningful way? I was very frustrated.

This left me feeling bereft and confused, with no clear way forward. Afterwords, I tried finding my car but couldn’t remember where i had left it and spent hours searching for it, my “mobility”. I had maps that wouldn’t work and was trying to use the sound of the horn from pressing my key dongle but could not echo locate for the life of me. Hearing is something I have difficultly with or perhaps listening. And this is why I am fucking lost and anxious without my mobility/energy. I also couldn’t see or read the map either.

There are 3 primary modes of learning or being according to the VAK system.

  • Visual
  • Auditory
  • Kinesthetic

My first two were failing me in terms of navigation. I had completely ignored the third which is by sense of feeling. And this is the problem of  how I navigate relationships with other people and myself. I try to connect with people via my visual/auditory mind rather than my heart/feelings/body. This is part of the reason I crave physical intimacy so much is because I deny it to myself, and feel that someone needs to give it to me instead. As if it is something that is externally sourced and I do not posses in the first place.

I am an amazing navigator when it comes to physical reality, and literally have visual/intuitive maps inside my head. However I am a terrible navigator when it comes to the dream world of emotions. And the flip side of this physically is that I would make a terrible actor. Modern society has an obsession with actors/actresses, and it has been a secret desire of mine to be one for a long time. So much success with so little “logic” work.

The thing is even those who are good at acting, and have seeming emotional “control” are they better for it? With recent suicide death of Philip Seymour Hoffman the obvious answer is no. Actors are not necessarily more developed humans. This confuses me because I feel that if I had those skills I would be amazing.

The thing is I am really good at what they are not, so what we each want is what the other person has. Ultimately it’s a synthesis of emotional and intellectual power.

For me then the path forward is practicing feeling, practicing connecting at a deep emotional level to myself and others. Psychedelic entactogens are a great tool in this regard. So is dreams, and meeting lots of people and observing my emotions in the engagement process.

So I believe my dream taught me an important lesson and gave me the answer to the original question. The answer still feels fuzzy, but I feel at the least I am aware of the areas I need to look….or rather feel. However resolving that inner fear/insecurity though Is probably another matter that I haven’t yet got too appropriately,

The stress feeling of not enough time

Last night I had a dream that had multiple re-occurring elements in it. When an anxious/negative dream repeats itself in such a manner it means there is something I am just not getting and my subconscious/inner/dream self is trying to send me a message in it’s own archetypal way.

In my dream I was at an airport, that reminded me more of a train station. There was two primary levels. I was there waiting for my ex-gf who was coming in on another flight. I had several hours before she arrived, and I had to go to my car in the parkade re-arrange some of my luggage to get ready for the next flight out. I was on the 2nd floor in the waiting lounge, where there were lots of comfy beds placed all over. It was quite nice, I wanted to claim a spot, and decided one next to an elementary school friend of mine (who’s dad was a pastor) would be nice. I asked him if it was reserved and he said yes for his dad and bro, and I didn’t believe him but when I looked up they were there.

Then I found another bed, (there was tons) but no space seemed ideal. I spread my backpacks out on the bed, to try and reserve it, so I could go to my car and exchange the things I needed. I felt very drowsy and had difficult remembering where I was going what time the plane was landing and then felt anxious about not having enough time even though I knew I had several hours.

Time is something I have always had anxiety around. When I was a kid my mom being a stereotypical INFP was always running late, especially for church. My dad being the perfect ISTJ was always ready to leave 20minutes before we had to step out the door. This caused considerable stress on his part and I knew to stay the fuck away from my mom on those morning as she ran around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to look “pretty”.

Later on in life as I got my own car, and had to attend post-secondary school, I always felt like I could never get to the places I wanted fast enough. The need to travel seemed like the biggest inconvenience and waste of time ever. I also had issue of getting to class on time, because I was exhausted from the CFS and my anxious nights, It was always early like 7:30 am icy roads, and rush hour traffic. It would often take me between 45-60 minutes to get to class.

Being at church was another thing I hated because the sermons were boring and negative being of the fire and brimstone kind. I despised sitting there, and watched the clock which makes things go even slower. Another big “waste” of time that caused me a lot of emotional distress.

Being ill with CFS for the last 15 years, I feel like I am running out of time to live the life I want. I also have been unable to support myself financially and feel that I am running out of time before I hit a wall on that front as well. And this time my parents may actually enforce it by cutting me off even though they are rich beyond measure themselves.

So there is a lot of different reasons for my anxiety around time. My gf however informed me that it is also an issue of global nervous system activation. Really it’s a survival type response because when our fight/flight/freeze response is triggered it means imminent danger and if you don’t respond in the proper amount of “time” accordingly you could die!

On thing my therapist had me try to do was imagine I had all the time in the world. He asked me what that would feel like. I had the most difficult time responding because I could scarcely even begin to imagine what that might feel like. That fact should be the biggest red flag ever that I have an epic issue here that needs to be resolved. If there is a positive emotion that I can barely feel in myself or even create temporarily it means there is something drastically wrong.

This is something I have a lot of denial and lack of awareness around. The time -pressure feeling is something that has been so ubiquitous in my life it’s almost a part of my identity and it’s fucking exhausting me.

So every time I feel under pressure or have travel/packing time anxiety I need to become aware and realize that my survival is not under threat. And if it’s not under threat then I should feel relaxed as if in I had all the time in the world.

My gf has a similar issue in that she suffers from impatience with people…mostly herself. So we are matched emotionally vibrationally  in a similar manner.

I think we both may have a false belief that it is STRESS that we need in order to get our ass in gear. I think perhaps most people adhere to that kind of philosophy. This could be one of the worst beliefs affect humanity, because creativity and real problem solving is stifled by the stress/anxiety response.

Many people feel rushed at school, at work, to make money, to meet friends and even through sex. It’s become part of the collective psyche that in order to feel important we need some impending task that needs to be done. Most people don’t feel alive, or rather they feel more alive under pressure of the gun of some kind. Being “under the gun” even implies life or death survival anxiety.

So how do we undue this most damaging belief? I have to start by feeling like I have infinite time and really relaxing into that, It will be a challenge, but the more and different ways and circumstances I can do this the better.

Oh yes, and also energetically/emotionally purging myself of the anxious-time-pressure energy.

Time pressure Now trains tation

The thrill of being chased

Last night I had a dream where I was watching someone being chased, and then got emotionally sucked in, so that I was being chased. It was more for the fun of it in that usually dreams where I am being chased I am in terror and there is a feeling of dread and impending doom.

When I woke up I realized that a part of me enjoys the anxious excitement of being chased. Similar to children playing tag on the playground. The fear of being caught is something that really pumps my adrenals and get’s me into this state of hyper-vigilance. Hyper-vigilance anxiety is a state I naturally tend too. In fact I think I get a bit of a dopamine rush on the over-excitement that leads to feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed and then exhaustion. I feel that this is the emotional root cause of the Chronic Fatigue I have bee suffering for most of my life.

The struggle for me is that this programming is so deeply ingrained I scarcely know how to turn it off. In many cases I don’t even know HOW to relax. It’s something I never really learned as both my parents are anxious-hyper-vigilance as well. Bulgy eyes and raised eye-brows are a sign of this.

I realize now as much as it “excites” me that this is NOT a good baseline state. I feel stuck in a paradoxical conflict between desiring two opposite things. It also feels like if I were to change myself I would be losing part of my identity. So on some levels my ego is really attached to hyper-vigilant over-excitement and my body is neurochemically addicted as well.

I need to explore this further and pay attention somatically to these compulsions and the emotional energy that come with it so that I can become aware and then have the ability to reprogram myself to a new norm of empowered relaxation.

It’s kinda funny I have been struggling with chronic fatigue, and it seems the only way out is to put myself into anxiety provoking states. It seems as if my nervous system has learned that anxiety is a good way to get energy. Anxiety= power & energy

So on one level emotionally I believe this to be innately true. It’s like an addiction where I feel the more I get something the less the problem will be, when in fact the problem gets worse. It’s a type of insanity.

I am not quite sure what the solution is. Becoming aware of and then dumping the anxious-excitement-thrill feelings, and relaxing seems to me the best way forward. Also learning to contain excitement, concentrating and focusing that energy, instead of letting it wash all over me. Learning that relaxation is rejuvenating re-vitalizing and energy creating.

 

 

Synthesis of ENTJ and INFP relationships

Last night I had a very profound dream. I was at a fancy dinner birthday party for Leonardo Dicaprio. Something happened with him and he went on a FarCry3 style shooting rampage killing many of the guests at the party. His girlfriend was injured and dying but somehow had no bullet wounds, and came over to me lying down and putting her head on my chest. She was amazed and in awe at how peaceful the energy was at my heart/chest chakra. She was so happy that she could be near my inner essence and connect with it before and as she was passing from this life.

I had this tremendous feeling of expansion and love as a stabilizing force emanating from  my chest that I became aware of as she did this. Several times in the last few months I have been babysitting my best friends puppy. I would take a nap in the afternoon and she would jump up on the couch and curl up between my heart and solar plexus chakra and go to sleep. She would go to the same place every time feeling safe and secure, much like the girl in my dream.

Often I don’t realize my own power, and it takes others to recognize it in me me before I became aware of it. I felt like my dream was trying to teach me a lesson to tune into this more as my central source of power and connection with myself and others.

Later in the evening myself and Leo started becoming good friends. I was a bit baffled as to why he would want to be friends with me but he had this vibe similar to an INFP friend of mine where there is the unspoken mutual admiration of who each other are at a deep level. This always surprises me and many times I’m not exactly aware of it. Growing up I never really had anyone that admired or appreciated me for who I am in this way.

Enter INFPs. My best friend and girlfriend are INFPs and many of my other friends are INFPs as well. Just being around INFPs it feels like there is this mutual understanding that occurs at an emotional level. INFPs appreciate me for my practical intellectual iNtuitive self. And I appreciate them for their robust emotional idealism.

In the Seth Material, Seth often makes the recommendation that humans should strive to be like the “Practical-Idealist”. I feel that the ENTJ-INFP relationship dynamic is something that fosters that in the ultimate kind of way.

For me the most important lesson and learning from INFPs is being emotionally centered in myself. There is a safety/security a type of stability and practical emotional framework in myself that INFPs desire. I have to recognize and nurture my own strength and use that as my healthy attractor for meaningful relationships.

As a kid my mother appreciated me for my cognitive intellect and this is something I learned to take pride in and build up my self-esteem and self-worth around. Then for most of my life I have used that as a template to form connections and relationships with people on this superficial ego-type level.

The most important aspect in connection and relationships is not so much what you say/think, but rather how you feel and where those emotions are coming from. With some people in some friendships, silence is awkward. But when both people tune in to their emotions, there is a level of appreciation and communication that transcends the mind/ego. A deeper more meaningful connection is forged.

My Deepest wound

A reoccurring dream I keep having is that someone is chasing me and trying to kill. It always is a middle-aged/older man who is balding who is on the heavy set side. The most recent it was a bodybuilder then man/dragon and then a snake-man.

A dream I had the other night I was standing in a food-court and couldn’t make up my mind what to eat. Eventually I decided to get some Indian food, and I thought I could pick what I wanted instead the brown lady behind the counter just started putting stuff on many gross things as if it was a set plan. I knew I didn’t want to eat it, but couldn’t bring myself to tell her to stop.

Also recently I had another dream where a middle-aged/older man with graying hair who reminded me of a previous ISFJ boss who fired me, was getting me to redo some electrical wiring. I knew I really didn’t want to be doing these things or be there, but I felt compelled to follow his dictates.

Social anxiety has been the major force in many of my negative dreams. I have this outright fear to stand up for myself. I am terrified of being attacked. I feel small and weak inside at the very deepest core of my being. There is a hurt/fear there that I have spent a large part of my life in denial of. People have always found it surprisingly easy to be mean to me despite my stature/looks/ obvious intellectual intelligence. My ego reasoning mind can be fierce, but the inner infant in me is extremely vulnerable especially socially.

I realize now that my parents have the same issue, and probably their parents as well, if not almost everyone to some degree.

People have different ways of compensating for this kind of fear. The ego often becomes abusive/manipulative in order to cope. When a mother does that to her infant/child however it can be very damaging, and this is the kind of damage that is my deepest wound.

My therapist tried getting me to be angry, but somehow I feel it’s like a superficial response much like bullying or violence. I want the inner infant in me to be strong and powerful not my outer-self ego being superficially angry-strong and artificially papering over that inner child’s hurt.

I feel like anger does have it’s place but most humans make a terrible template for it because most people use anger to cover insecurities and fear. Perhaps the anger an animal exhibits is more raw and pure.

However I still feel like there is something I am missing….that there is something on an extremely deep level that has been covered up by a mountain/lifetime of denial that I need to repair. Denial is contagious and almost everyone engages it in some form or another.

I feel gratitude to have a gf that actively seeks and questions her very own denial, in similar vain and degree as myself.

I feel like I’m very close…I have Identified the primary issue and now how to learn to resolve it emotionally. How is it that I can strengthen and empower my inner child, and then up to all levels of my being/self?

 

 

 

 

 

The feeling of being violated and the benefits of anger

Last night I had a dream where some movers had come into my house to take my dresser away, and I stopped them before they were to leave to take all my stuff out of the drawers. I didn’t mind them taking the dresser, then it turned into a suitcase and I started taking out all this old clothing (read emotions) I forgot I even had. That was just the top compartment, the bottom was empty to my surprise. I guess maybe this symbolizes the work I had already done.

Then these people were going to take my suitcase away but I got upset because I needed in 2 weeks time to go travelling. Then my dad and his dad (my grandpa) started arguing in their super stubborn ISTJ manner. I got furious and stormed off. Over the last few days I had been arguing with a stubborn woman on the internet who is also an ISTJ about spirituality stuff and the ego specifically.

The second part of the dream dredged up memories I had largely forgotten and repressed. I had gone to my room to find my computer missing and realized my mom had hired a guy to move it to a central location so she could watch my every move online. The guy had also gone through all my personal files and moved things around. This actually happened to me in real-life as a teenager on a few occasions. People helping themselves to things I consider my property/ and or myself.

In the dream i became so rage-full I threw that fat hired guy down on the ground and wimping in the corner as he defiantly defended himself and I gave him the finger. Then I turned on my mother grabbing her by the neck, and thinking I need to take out one of her organs so she can know what it feels like to be totally violated.  The rage I was experiencing was so over-powering it almost immobilized me. I am very inexperienced with anger so when it does come it becomes difficult to contain it. I rarely, very rarely get angry but when I do watch the fuck out. Being an enTj i usually deal with things very rationally and logically.

So I have a problem with people especially chicks taking advantage of me, and this is because I was violated by my parents. (not sexually, but emotional violation all the same) You see my parents are hard-core fundamentalist Christians. They believe things like TV’s are devils boxes and all musical drums are evil because they were used for demon worship in Africa. This is the shit I used to believe when I was a kid.

I have always been a curious person, and questioned my beliefs a lot. I read books like Eckhart Tolle the Power of Now which my parents promptly took away on me under the guise it was “not christian”. Needles to say many of my books would go missing, things would get moved around if a game I played had “magic” in it like World of Warcraft i was not allowed to play. I lived in a very constrained environment where rock music was evil, and my parents violated me in many ways.

My therapist realized this and said one of my primary issues is not being able to feel anger. I thought this was a good thing anger=bad, I’m a better person. But no it’s actually quite unhealthy. Then he had me imagine being a Tiger and mauling my mother. This is the basis of Somatic Psycho-Therapy hence the title of the book that kickstarted this new paradigm shift in psychotherapy named “Waking the Tiger”.

So what to do now about this feeling of violation….My mom had been raped when she was a teenager, but this in itself was probably brought about because she had been violated emotionally by her parents her mother who was an ISFJ. Insecure ISFJ parents are notoriously controlling and emotionally manipulative. So this is a generational issue.

My mom feared/paranoid for my safety when I was a kid, so I picked up internalized much of her anxiety thus attracting situations where people would violate me in small ways. Being a dude and a calculating one at that usually it was nothing every major. Just small emotional things which are much more devious, and can be more effective. Women are particularly adept at these arts because they don’t have force/might on their side. It’s often socially acceptable for women to emotionally manipulate, but unacceptable for boys/men to fight. I mean what are you gonna do punch a woman/mom in the face every time she uses an emotion to get her way??

Hence the creation of a new breed of “beta” supplicating men. Men biologically and now socially are at a disadvantage. This is the cue to adapt and evolve and this means being able to build boundaries using anger if necessary as a momma tiger does to protect her cubs. Except instead of protecting cubs you are protecting yourself. This means becoming  aware of all the subtle little emotional tactics people use to get their way and violate you in almost insignificant ways. Death by a thousand cuts.

My therapist had me try to summon anger, and hold it, stare at people with a glare that says “how dare you intrude on my boundaries”. This is something I REALLY NOT A FUCK TON of practice in. Otherwise these dreams will keep coming back to haunt me.

In essence this all about having respect for your self, your inner-self and your emotions. This is difficult but highly necessary. This is new territory for me, and would be an issue for anyone that had over-bearing fearful insecure parents like mine. They feel powerless so they look for ways to take power away from others for themselves. This however never works. It’s a maladapted way of trying to become secure.

Evil dictators, war mongers suffer from the same kinds of childhood traumas. If children were taught to properly experience and use anger, we wouldn’t have school shootings as all those repressed emotions spill out dangerously. It’s our overly pious insecure christian society that is at fault in my opinion.

So back to resolving this issue for myself. The first thing for me is to become aware of my emotions when I am feeling manipulated/violated. Next is to build and construct anger with integrity in a deep powerful and controlled way. Next is to use it if necessary.

I have to practice feeling anger in my emotional core. Becoming comfortable with it and not disgusted by it. I need to convince myself and my emotions that his is a good method of preserving the sanctity and worth of my own being. So that I can move into anger and out with ease. That i can feel anger and compassion simultaneously. That ideal anger is about protection not about hurting. It’s about creating proper boundaries.

Usually when we see anger in society it’s not the good kind, its the kind that people experience when it’s too late and they already feel powerless and its a fight survival response. the GOAL here is to be able to feel anger even when your survival is not at stake and you are not having a high level of activation. Paradoxically when many people experience anger they are very dissociated form their emotional body. You can see this when someone looks like they have smoke coming out of their ears and their face turns red with rage.

The anger is all in their head! The goal is to have anger coming from the heart like a cold anger that is very present. IN some ways this is more frighting but its a type of anger that you haven’t lost your cool. My therapist showed me how he does and holy shit it looks fucking scary. He old me this is how to do anger in the good way. It’s a don’t mess with me I’m serious look. Mastering the kind of anger and being able to communicate that would do wonders for society in terms of all the repression people engage in and then their top my blow or they develop some crippling disease that’s a drain to themselves and society.

People who I could possibly template good anger from are Samuel Jackson, Denzel Washington or Robert Deniro. INFJ’s are master’s at this. I have to pretend feeling the same way. Practice, practice, practice. This is one for my cheat sheet.

Robert-De-Niro-bringing-his-angry-eyes-to-Cannes-2011