Category Archives: Psychedelic trip reports

Trip Report #8 – Marijuana

Substance: 2.5 – 3 puffs of Marijuana smoke from a small pink bong

When: End of Sept, 2015

Time: Evening

Participants: my gf Miss. Pouncy, myself

Location: Miss. Pouncy’s Bedroom

I have never been high on weed before in my life. Which may seem strange given all the other psychotropic drugs I have tried. I have had 1-2x tokes of a joint before earlier, but to no effect. I had been curious about weed, but never really drawn to it. Having witnessed many of my friends and acquaintances using it before, they seemed to just use it to check out…..I wasn’t interested in dissociation. I had thought of taking it to relax and soothe some of the anxiety I felt but didn’t want to get hooked.

Miss. Pouncy had used the stuff liberally in the last couple of years. She however used it as a spiritual tool to go deep into her emotions and explore other dimensions of energy. Never before had I met someone who used weed like someone might use mushrooms.

I was a bit nervous to be sure, things with Miss. Pouncy were already pretty psychedelic without the use of drugs. She eventually wanted to use it as a tantric aid to increase sensuality during sex so I was sold. I had heard about this before from David Jay Brown and was curious.

Needless to say my experience with weed was unlike anything I Imagined it would be. The effects happened within one minute of inhalation. I first realized I had an almost super sense of the sensations in my body, much like mushrooms. Time also slowed downed dramatically and it felt super psychedelic…without fractals and visuals however. Miss. Pouncy got giddy watching me observing the effects taking place in my body. I however didn’t share in the amusement. I didn’t particularly enjoy the new sensations and what I would call my loneliness anxiety began to take hold.

Marijuana for me was extremely close in nature to my LSD experience. In many ways the trip was almost synonymous in its overall feel.

I sat on the bed as Miss. Pouncy asked me how I was feeling. At first I denied the anxiety, but she persisted and once I confessed she put her hand firmly on my heart and stared into my eyes for about the next hour or so, as I dived gently into the anxiety.

The thing the was causing me the most anxiety was the feeling of being merged with my entire environment. There was again as in my previous trips this overwhelming feeling that I am God and I am creating my entire reality. There was no real distinction between myself and my surroundings. I felt subsumed by it, lost and lonely in my own creation. I lost my center and my identity to a large degree. It was quite frightening to my ego.

The only thing that didn’t fit however the merging experience was Miss. Pouncy. Her hand on my chest and her eyes staring deep into my soul brought some measure of relief. I didn’t feel like I was creating her, she definitely played a part in creating herself. She also seemed quite alien, quite other than, different than me, mysterious and that helped reinforce the sense of separation and thus my identity. I felt safer. Without her direct presence the trip may have gone into extreme loneliness like virtually every one of my other trips had.

It now felt like her and I were two powerful Gods and she that had somehow found me in the abyss. In fact it felt like her feminine energy was pulling me out of the masculine abyss of chaos. It felt like she was gently pulling on my energy field, pulling on strands and strings and helping me coalesce into a higher dimension of being. I felt like I was in hell and she was in heaven pulling me out. I got a distinct imaginary visual of this, as if she were reaching across a vast multidimensional chasm.

chasm

Her face seemed so very familiar. It aroused memories and I felt like I had seen her before perhaps on all my other trips and she had pulled me out. I had merely forgotten. I feel like I had known that face for thousands if not millions of years before.

This dynamic then took on proportions of a divine nature. The attractive forces between the divine feminine and the divine masculine. Miss. Pouncy has this incredibly powerful feminine quality about her that has a really soothing and nurturing effect. I had experienced this viscerally once (not on drugs) before on her massage table as she did witchy-poo energy work on me. Watching her walk around the table her visage changed she seemed like a female druid and I was a male druid and we had done this before many thousands of years ago. It felt like she was with great reverence fine-tuning my energy field. I could feel her pulling on it like a cosmic web.

That same feeling was evoked on the trip except now it took on cosmic proportions. The depth of her being seemed to reach so far back and inwards I could not locate it’s source. This mesmerized me. It felt like infinite adventure, mystery and discovery awaited me in the depths of her being. This was comforting and again affirmed my individuality. There was such love and compassion in her eyes I could scarcely take it in or absorb it.

There is a passage in the book Kundalini – Evolution and Enlightenment edited by John White (pg.27) from the first chapter by Swami Rama that perfectly describes the greater spiritual aspects of my experience. In fact it felt like this was the purpose of our relationship and that it had been so for millenia.

“According to this ancient philosophy, the entire universe is a manifestation of pure consciousness. In manifesting the uni- verse, this pure consciousness seems to become divided into two poles or aspects, neither of which can exist without the other. One aspect retains a static quality and remains identified with unmanifest consciousness. In tantra this quality is called Shiva, and is conceptualized as masculine. Shiva is depicted as being absorbed in the deepest state of meditation, a state of formless being, consciousness, and bliss. He remains for the most part aloof from and uninterested in manifesting the universe. Shiva has the power to be, but not the power to become or change. He has no power to act or to manifest. He is the power holder, but has no energy in his own right. Nevertheless, consciousness as the power that builds the world is based on and arises out of this consciousness as being.

The other part of this polarity is a dynamic, energetic, or creative aspect that is called Shakti, the great mother of the universe, for it is from her that all form is born. Shakti is the subtlest of created things. She manifests herself as the entire universe including matter, life, and mind.

These two principles are united, but in the manifest world an illusion of separation is created between pure consciousness and its manifestations. Shakti is a projection of consciousness that veils the consciousness from which she was projected, in the innumerable illusory manifestations (maya) that she brings fond and that we call the universe. The scriptures say that when karma ripens, Shakti becomes desirous of creation, and covers herself with her own maya.

The creation of this illusion is called involution, for we find consciousness involving or folding over itself. As a result of this involvement it seems to become complex, bipolar, and formed. After aeons of time, when the universe is dissolved, it is drawn or recollected into that Shakti that produced it. This latter process is known as evolution. It is a further stage of development in which consciousness becomes uninvolved with its manifestation.”

My reality had this extreme presence to it. I felt like I had entered the eternal moment of now. Aspects of my ego resisted this quite strongly. There was a safety in being “lost” in thoughts in the past or most often in my case the future. No matter what I thought it was talking place in the eternal moment of now. Even writing this now fills me with a certain sense of anxiety about the nature of fundamental reality.

I didn’t feel ready to accept the burden of responsibility of creating my environment in such a complete and total way. Again my ego was scandalized at the it’s own power and godhood. I wanted to run away from the trip back to the comforts of illusory reality. My ego takes great comfort in the illusions, as it gives me a strong sense of self.

On the other hand I knew I must take marijuana again, except a much smaller dose. It was important that I gain mastery of this new found environment and power. I realized it would take me some time, but eventually I would exist in that timeless space all the time once I had evolved sufficiently.

I got this great feeling of conspiracy. That forces inside and perhaps outside and in the world had conspired to subversively bring marijuana into my awareness. Every pot head friend I had, every time I saw weed mentioned in the media, it was all put there deliberately to entice my curiosity for the drug. I didn’t like this realization it seemed like a paranoid conspiracy aimed at the liberation of my consciousness from illusion, like some great secret that had been in front of my nose for so long.

It didn’t make sense to my rational mind, were all these millions of people who used weed somehow these super advanced souls that had secretly accessed this godlike state of being? Did this mean that being godly would be like being high all the time, like some of my friends were? Then why were many of their lives such a mess? It didn’t make sense. I knew somehow that my experience with weed must be unique, it just didn’t feel like it for some tricky reason.

Trip Report #7 – 4-AcO-DMT Fumarate

Substance: 4-AcO-DMT Fumarate 18mg diluted in water

When: March 5th, 2014

Time: 2:00pm

Participants: my gf as sitter, myself

Location: My place

The come up for this trip was super quick. I started feeling effects within 10 minutes of consumption. And it came on very strong. I started becoming worried I took too much, having such strong effects so soon, I knew the effects would only get stronger as I was still a good 2 hours away from peak. Usually I am a slow responder often drugs taking 45mins to 1.5 hours to have an effect. I thus became paranoid my weight scale malfunctioned and took too much, I hadn’t wanted such a powerful trip.

Within 45 minutes I was fully incapacitated physically and and at a level 4. By 1.5 hours I was at a full level 5 having lost all touch with physical reality. For the first 2 hours of the trip I was in a state of anxiety and was yawning uncontrollably every few seconds. My gf became rather concerned about me, My legs were also twitching uncontrollably and I was experiencing extreme nervous system activation and anxiety.

Despite this the drug felt super smooth compared to mushrooms. I find mushrooms have a more abrasive quality where I experience buzzing and as I enter the alternate reality it’s more jarring. Fractals are more square and brash where as with the 4-AcO-DMT the fractals had more of a smooth flowing like quality.

The dose was way nearly too much for me to handle and it took considerable emotional will power to keep myself together. My body was also very uncomfortable in ways I can’t really describe. I was sitting at first and after a while lay down and opened my body up helped me feel more relaxed, I felt more powerful and less closed off.

There is this very specific emotion that washes over me when I begin entering this tryptamine realm. It seems overly familiar to me like it’s the home that I came from and that I am going back to. I really, REALLY do not like this feeling and try to shut it out. It feels like I am very alone in my own world. The thing is at that point the entire world is me, everything is me. I am god, but this is extremely disconcerting to me. I get a similar creepy feeling watching claymation films. It feels like I am in a fractal claymation like world. I actually can’t watch claymation films or anything in a similar style like rotoscoping in the film Waking Life. Also Monet style painting stresses me out for the same reason.

This is reminiscent of my dreams where everything is blurry and I can’t distinguish one thing from another because they all blend together. It’s like all objectivity went out the window.

Another good analogue to my trip is the game Minecraft. That is another game that totally creeps me out and I can’t even watch my brother play. It seems like the whole universe is made of these fractal self-similar technicolor cubes. I have insane difficulty appreciating how something may be made up of these blocks because it’s JUST fucking blocks. I can’t for the life of me figure out why this bothers me so incredibly much. I feel like there is just a genuine lack of novelty and somehow this fact is super depressing. It makes me never want to take a tryptamine drug again.

As soon as those feelings came on it reminded me why I despise the psychedelic universe so much. And I ask myself why would I come back here, and then try to promise myself I will never take a tryptamine drug again.  I knew I would come out of that feeling even in the trip, but the fact it existed and a part of me is there and I am composed of it really made me feel disconcerted. I really didn’t like what I was made up of. There is this overwhelming feeling that I am all that is, and everything is made up of me. Physical reality is a clever illusion. I take comfort in physical reality, in it’s seeming separations, the external reference points. To have that stripped away is an incredibly painful realization and one I don’t enjoy.

There is this creepy uniformity to everything, as in everything is made up of one thing, and we trick ourselves into thinking there is novelty. As I sit here writing about that feeling I can’t reproduce it or even accurately remember it. It seems my conscious mind blocks it out.

Everything has this uniformity to it, it feels like a circus, like the universe is a circus and it’s all a ride that just goes round and round. Circuses’ have this real creepy vibe to them, and I have always been scared of clowns. Clowns have this phony like smile that seems to cover up the depressed life of the person behind the mask. This is what my trip feels like, I become this feeling where I am god/universe trying to amuse myself with myself but it’s totally unsatisfying, but I don’t know what else to do so I just keep trying over and over again in a universe that doesn’t even have time to begin with. I as god/the universe feel trapped by myself to infinity. It’s worse than hell.

I fear that when I die I will end up in that reality, and this fact really, really bothers me.

Coming out of the trip was such a huge relief. I fall in love with physical reality all over again it just seems so incredibly beautiful, unique and novel compared to where it springs from. In a way I feel like this is the point of the trip. The more present and relaxed I am, the more real I can make it’s uniqueness. Physical reality is so very unlike from where it springs, and this seems to create an incredible divine relief within me. In my trip I feel like I am God trying to figure out a new perspective. I feel an incredible burden and responsibility to quell that god-anxiety about this depressing underlying totally ubiquitous/sameness. Again I feel the universe is novelty driven, it has an insatiable lust for novelty to try and separate and distinguish itself from itself. The more we buy into the illusion the better. It wants to get out of it’s mind and experience physical life viscerally and sensationally. The more it can intensify that experience the better and it seeks all possible ways to do just that.

I guess in a sense this could be considered the primordial ego drive. It’s this drive to create something new outside of yourself and within yourself. I feel like I am god trying to become something entirely new and different because the old self is so very boring and already experienced too many countless times.

In my trip there was a progression that would then cycle. I was these fractals which then created my physical reality and my physical body all so I could take a drug to become fractals again which then after a short while I would be born and would recreate my body and physical reality so i could take the drug. I couldn’t figure out the purpose of this and this repetitive loop I found myself in was driving me mad. It was like I was stuck living the same life over and over again doomed to repeat taking the drug taking me right back where I started and that is all I would ever do. This realization was driving me mad, I craved externality to myself from this cyclic hell I had created with/for myself. I thought of the whole world and universe which seemed somewhat absent in this cycle, but then realized I was all of that too perpetuating the same cycle. Very depressing.

The cycle would bring up many memories throughout my life long forgotten, it played itself out like an end-of-life review and I was the memories as well. It would occur with quite rapid speed and I felt like I could stop it and inject myself into any point of my life timeline from beginning to end and wake up in it. I had difficulty deciding which physical version of myself I wanted to return too. In the end though it didn’t seem to matter because it would all end the same, and then start the same again.

I kept having numerous “aha” moments as I saw the various events in my life connected in these fractal like patterns. It seemed my life was all pre-scripted  no matter what I did and I was just running the script with little willpower of my own. This also felt like a self made hell-cycle and was very disconcerting.

One curious memory that came up for me that I experienced viscerally, was as a child I had this intense desire for this G.I.Joe robot exoskeleton mech suit.

gi joe mech

As a kid I remember seeing the box it came in and the packaging made it look amazing. My dad went to great lengths to procure it for me and I remember it meant so much to me that he did that.

As the fractals and memories whizzed by there was this strange recurrent theme that was seemingly strung through all the events in my life. And this had to do with the capital letter “R”.

Francesco_Torniello_da_Novara_Letter_R_1517

One of my best friends growing up had a name that started with R and also had another R in it. My mother has two R’s in her name as well. My current best sage-friend’s name begins with an R and has another R in it as well. My gf’s last name has two R’s in it, and one R in her middle and alternate last name as well. My previous gf had an r in her first name. My last name also has an R in it. It seemed like “R” was this sacred letter, and it was composed of two vortexes with one coming out like a wave.

Another connection is with the kirtan song HaRe Rama HaRe KRishna. The emphasis on “R” in these repeating cyclic like mantras from the vedic tradition seem to be over-riding powerful archetype in my life. It seems like if it has an “R” its somehow meant/connected to me, and if it has two R’s it’s a bonus! Both my best friend and gf are brown as in from India…go figure. It seems the ancient vedic tradition was tapped into this primordial knowledge of the repeating fractal R.

There was also this strange connection to PiRates and MusketeeRs. The R was a wave but also the archetype taking the shape of a mustache on a smirking face like so:

v-for-vendetta-mask

The face is like two R’s back to back and the eyes are vortexes and the nose is the hard back of the character with the curl stroke being a mustache/lip curled up in a smile.

This made me chuckle several times on the trip. I feel like I have a strong reincarnational connection with pirates and this particular scheming slightly devious personality.  This brought about more “aha” moments for me as I realized so many things in my life and my interests are all connected thematically. I kept wanting to tell my gf every new insight I gained, but at the same time I had this voice telling me I would forget and it didn’t matter. It’s like these connections were hidden on purpose so that I wouldn’t remember and be pleasantly surprised every-time it occurred. It’s like I created the entire map for my life ahead of time, and put these things there for the sheer purpose of creating the emotion of surprise and “aha” hilarity.

In that moment though it all felt somewhat futile, this truly wasn’t novelty or surprise merely the clever illusion of it. This bothered me immensely because again it all felt so meaningless and I was just going to “R”epeat the same god-damn life over and over again.  It seemed the whole universe was like a gigantic wind-up jack-in-the-box that just mechanically did the same thing over and over again. This was a very depressing realization and somehow I felt perhaps my understanding was perhaps wrong or in error. I felt I had the ultimate perspective on what reality really is because I literally was all of it and there was seemingly no escaping this fact.

The only thing that countered this depression was my inner emotional planes, they seemed to defy the vast nature of what I was perceiving. I was this emotional presence, that seemed somewhat apart from the fractals. I was fully identified with them, but as I went deeper in myself there was mystery.  This proved difficult though because I kept getting caught up in my thoughts and exterior environment they manifested themselves in.

One thing I learned is that I have a lot of resistance to relaxation. Perhaps this is one of the most important messages of my trip. I have a compulsion to get carried away by high energy anxiety like feelings. There is a certain thrill to it that’s addictive that sparks my survival system. It paradoxically energizes me but also drains me of my energy physically speaking now.

There was this inner voice telling me to “Relax and go with what feels good”. This was Repeated to me over and over again. Every time I would catch myself on an anxious tangent of a personal anxiety or a universal god self-similar anxiety, I would take myself back to my emotional core and to relax and focus on how good it feels to be Relaxed. This feeling would grow stronger throughout the trip until it finally ended.

I almost always feel like there is no time to relax, that I must do things now, and that relaxation is a form of escapism. This is probably my most serious negative belief that relaxation=escapism. I believe that people who are real are plugged into the fears and anxieties of the world and are trying to do something about it. People going to spas or on relaxing trips, are using physical sensations to run away from inner turmoil.

I actually have anxiety about relaxation, as if in my brain the two mean the same thing. In some sense I feel it is better to be anxious and embody that than it is to be relaxed and suppressing anxiety. I am not a 100% sure what exactly a person should do with anxious energy, should I dump it? I feel that it is perhaps impossible, on my trip it sure was because I was everything anyways there was nothing external to dump too. I have been anxious my whole life, I don’t even know what it’s like not to have some underlying anxiety. It has erroneously defined my being for sooooo long.

My trip seemed to be teaching me that it’s ok to have anxiety, but not to get wrapped up in it. Rather to take a step back and in and wrap the anxiety up for the time being and focus on the greater gestalt of my being and building relaxation. It is almost like I could take anxiety wrap it up and build relaxation out of it.

This is a major perspective change/shift for me. Wrapping it up instead of being wrapped up in it. This is a very critical distinction.

On my trip the anxiety memories formed these long fractal like tubes. I could go into the tube like going into a portal, or I could take the tube lay it down beside other tubes inside myself lengthwise inside my chest and build a flat structure that seemed like a chest board.

It felt like I was doing this energetically in myself and it felt REALLY good.

pipes layers

It is only when I am securely grounded in that relaxation that I can perhaps unwrap a tiny portion of that anxiety in one of the tubes and release it/ or even soothe it.

This feeling of soothing anxiety of calming it i think is important. It’s a way to control it, acknowledge it but not give it all the power. This way it’s not like your repressing it or stuffing it/ which is a great fear of mine.

My gf has recommended that I smoke weed in order to learn how to relax. The thought of smoking weed brings up an inner revulsion and makes me cringe. In my mind I have associated weed with stoners and that like alcoholics they abuse substances to escape their inner emotional reality.  This is the last thing I want to do.

What I want to learn is emotional relaxation, not physical relaxation. I somehow have those two concepts divorced in my mind because of the aforementioned stoners/alcoholics.

However I need to unite those two and learn that I can somatically affect my emotions, and that is not necessarily a one way street. I mean it’s actually difficult to really become in tune with your deeper inner self and emotions if you are NOT relaxed.

Thus I will smoke some weed and use it as an opportunity to learn to relax my emotions and my body simultaneously.

I need to rewire myself and learn that I have the most abundant energy physically when I am relaxed physically and emotionally and not wound up like a spring. This has a lot to do with dampening my smothering like excitement as well.

I can run excited emotions through a vortex, and constrain it into tubes so I have more relaxed control over the energy. I can then stack and lay them out and zoom out so the anxieties seem like merely small portions of my greater emotional being.

In greater metaphysical terms I learned perhaps the most important lesson. Caroly Myss says we come here to learn how to manage power. And I think I know how this works now.

We all come into this world activated. We all have triggers that elicit emotional activation of one kind or another fears, insecurities, anger, disgust, etc.

What we are here to learn how to do is to learn how to soothe that emotional activation to a state of relaxation. Doing it with tubes appears to be how nature does it. There is infinite pscyho-emotional energy in the universe and thus in ourselves and therefore the trick is to learn how to constrain that powerful torrent of energy so it’s not exploding out in all directions dragging you along kicking and screaming like a torrential river.

I realized that tangible creation with any degree of consistency is only possible from a relaxed state. Being god on my trip I was terrified I would not make it back to the physical reality I enjoyed so much. I realized that it was only through relaxation that I could make the reality into something that had coherence. Creation is more an act of coherence of bringing together than anything else. And this is best done in a soothing relaxing manner.

Many dreams I have had I feel like I am driving to fast and out of control, much like white water rafting where I am willy-nilly swept along by repressed and un-soothed emotions.

We “graduate” once we learn how to relax the emotional energy inside of ourselves and feel relaxed in the very core of our being. Our success is gauged by things that normally would trigger you, all of the sudden have no effect on you. You feel peaceful inside no mater what is happening in your surroundings and then when you want to feel an intense emotion you do it consciously and with full control with the ability to change back to a relaxed state at a near moment’s notice.

It’s impossible to truly feel relaxed without being completely present. This is another good gauge as to the degree of your relaxation. Once you tap into that feeling of how relaxed you are you can ask how present you are and how much of physical reality are you taking in at that moment in a serene kind of way. How deep is your breathing, how far does it go down your abdomen? This is another good measure. How happy and joyful do you feel with your own vital relaxed energy? Another good emotional check.

The trickiest thing for me is being like this around other people. I have a nasty habit of projecting into other peoples worlds and being swept in their emotions. What I try to do now, is when I see other people that illicit a strong automatic emotional response from me, to use that as a cue to center in my own relaxed soothed self.

The next advanced step is to then be able to fully observe and appreciate the other person while maintaining your own center.  To see them for who they truly are. The reason this is advanced is that it’s really hard to do this because we are so used to automatically analyzing people and their behaviors in our head. So this is about stopping the analytic mind and engaging our connection with our own relaxed powerful self.

Often I feel like other people are more powerful than me, like I can’t manage their energy so i dissociate and am forced to connect with people through mental abstractions. This also comes from a feeling of inability to control my own power. So thus I need to learn how to feel good about being powerful, to soothe that inner power so it’s managed and mostly serene like the ocean.

Once this is mastered you will be able to connect to other people in a more deep and meaningful way. The only way you can connect deeply with others, is by being deeply connected to your inner relaxed super powerful self, and from there look and observe/connect with another.

This is incredibly rewarding, because it’s one master creator meeting another master creator. A god meeting a god. It’s about reconnecting through creation from a new greater/novel perspective. The universe seeks separation but also connection and this is somewhat of a divine paradox.

Trip report #6 – 5-MeO-MiPT (moxy)

Substance: 5-MeO-MiPT (moxy) 6mg diluted in water

When: December 20th, 2013

Time: 8:45pm

Participants: my gf as sitter, myself

Location: My place

Well it’s been over a year since I have gone on a trip. I had tried this substance at a lower dose of about 2-3mg two weeks prior to no effect. I was really anxious trying to weigh out such a tiny portion of powder, but this time I was excited and doubled/tripled the dose ensuring I should get an effect.

Sensations for the trip started out slow. That feeling when you have butterflies in your stomach occurred to me except the tingling was much smaller and nuanced and was occurring across my chest and arms rather than my stomach. Then I got the sensation in my teeth and in my neck muscles. In many ways it felt like I had energy trapped along lines inside my body that was vibrating and wanting for release and flow. I started getting anxious energetic emotional energy coming up as well and was hoping it would move through and out soon, and it did.

The first 20 minutes or so were a bit unpleasant with a minor amount of nausea. But after that the sensations started to become more euphoric. I had the compulsion to move, stretch and dance.

Lying on the floor felt pretty amazing. I could feel impulses of energy moving through my body. It felt like the ethereal substrate of my energy body was undergoing a process of fine-tuning via a process of fractal enfoldment. For a moment my body and especially my spine felt like it was a very large snake. It felt like I was a large energy tube that could curl, and the end of the tube of energy fractal-ed out to create my head and face in a bi-symmetrical pattern the “I” teeth being a focal end point. Snakes with their fractal scale skin pattern and their tubular structure appear to be an archetypal form in the universe. It is no wonder that snakes are often experienced on ayahuasca trips.

5-MeO-MiPT (moxy) snake skull

Later on I sat up and held my gf really close. Running my hands across her skin felt pretty incredible. There was a greater depth to my touch sensation and feedback that makes touch incredibly sensual. As I massaged her back it felt like I was a giant cosmic being running my hands across the mountains and hills of planet earth. Beneath her skin her arms seemed like the long rivers of the amazon forest, and it felt like was holding and nurturing the divine feminine earth and was taking great joy in it’s miraculous manifestation. She was the embodiment of the fertile feminine lands of earth and I was a cosmic energy infusing and mingling with it.

divine feminine earth

It felt like we were two powerful entities having fast flows of powerful torrential river energy flowing in each of us running close together, twisted in helical fashion, not touching but complementing each other like yin and yang.

The sensual love feeling felt like it was something I had forgotten in day-to-day ego life. I had a hard time accepting these powerful love/sensual feelings. There was a part of me that didn’t believe this was possible. That part of me felt incredibly lonely despite being so close with my gf. Later on as I lay back on the floor, it felt like a large current or “tube” of loneliness and sorrow was unraveling inside of me that had been carefully hidden and squeezed/repressed by other energetic tubes.  I embraced this process of moving with and through the sorrow allowing it to unravel. The inner child in me still held a lot of hurt as a result of emotional neglect from my mother in early childhood.

This experience was very powerful in terms of becoming aware and healing some of that inner-child hurt on a deep emotional energetic level.

5-MeO-MiPT opens you up energetically and emotionally allowing you to become aware of things your ego normally keeps hidden from your conscious awareness. I think it’s important to encourage and engage the sensual part of the body in order to derive the full benefits of the experience. I quite like this substance in that you are completely lucid while tripping which seems like an oxymoron. Your mind isn’t altered in an way unlike my other psychedelic experiences using mushrooms, lsd and DMT. The experience is almost purely sensual, although psychedelic insight does occur. It feels very psychedelic but your mind is completely coherent. This allows me to better cognitively work through my experience and derive emotional healing from it.

At one point I was eating thin dried organic apple slices, and it was an explosion of taste sensation in my mouth. It was pretty incredible. Listening to trance music also felt pretty incredible in that the energy in my body wants to align and dance with the music. Trance is particularly cool in that with the long progression build ups in the music it seems that it helps build up and fine-tune the energy in your body.

Later on in the trip this image of a cosmic sized skull appeared to me in my mind. My mind zoomed in on one eye socket and I saw that the bone structure was composed of millions of small fractals. The eye socket of the skull was dark and I realized that it also was a fractal tube but one that stretched back and down to infinity. I began to wonder if everything in the universe is composed of fractals what is it that shapes and forms the gestalt structure of things? Then I realized it was emotion. Emotion is the shaper, and their is a core there that is identity but it goes back to infinity like an infinite mystery. The sheer scale of even the creation of something as simple as a skull has an incredible complexity behind it on an energetic fractal level.

The resolution at which drugs afford me to see reality at such a fine level fills me with utter awe at how amazing physical reality is and what it took to create it. From a fundamental point of view the scale of the complexity is mesmerizing. So often we take our reality for granted not realizing how much work the universe did into creating it.

I kept getting this nagging feeling like I was the universe trying to understand itself, trying to understand its own process of creation and how it could create meaningful form in the first place.

Snakes, Skulls, Tubes, Vortexs, Helixes, Fractals, Cubes, elemental tikis or machine elves appear to be the universal archetypal forms from which everything else is created. Rhythm, vibration, emotion and dance is what brings coherence to those forms.

Some people seem to think circles or the flower of life are at the basis of archetypal reality, and I would adamantly disagree. Circles while archetypal are merely a secondary phenomenon a clever creative illusion, formed from fractal squares twisting in tubular helical fashion.

The curiosity I hold is insatiable and will drive me to the deepest depths to try understand myself and reality. I also got the sense that virtually no one would understand this type of wander-lust that few are willing to try to go that far. But somehow it feels important, but at the same time perhaps unanswerable, and that is an incredibly exciting prospect. Endless mystery for enjoyment.

Psychedelic trip report #5 – Mushrooms

Substance: Mushrooms 0.75 grams in Tea

When: October 28th, 2012

Time: 9:00pm

Participants: my gf, myself

Location: My place

  • Very light trip lasted maybe 2-3hrs, but enough to allow me to experience other dimensions.
  • I am a cosmic size oak tree, that has grown into this world and i am its projection
  • the tree me is millions of years old
  • same old anxiety, mechanical feel, backbone of body front of body wants to grow but cant very much, it’s parched, needs blue feminine water to fertilize it, the water is feminine dense that supports male growth up and out, its why my creative manifestation power feels stuck
  • As above so below, it’s amazing how the body is a mirror image male/feminine energy
  • this is why the features of the front of the body are comparatively more defined then the back of the body
  • this is why the spine/masculine backbone is on the back of the body, and the feminine sensitive parts are on the front
  • the masculine part is unfolding out and dispersing to much
  • old man in mirror, wolverine, other masculine figures, i am all these, they but not them they are probable versions of myself
  • Connect into feminine eye, allow it to replenish through the mouth front of the body, liquid blue/indigo, appeared alex grey style to me
  • this gives me incredible strength and resolve….turned my trip from anxiety to strength and joy!
  • this will then balance out the masculine backbone of the body
  • my social anxiety; talking in front of lots of people; opens me up to real front body raw vulnerability; need to fill this with liquid blue feminine; this gives me emotional strength resolve provides FUEL for dense AGGRESSION energy/emotion
  • the ideal shirt is blue on front, red on back, red for earth, blue for water on the earth
  • this is why i am drawn to the colour blue(feminine) its why i like blue shirts
  • I am a large cosmic tree with magical blue-genie smurfs living inside me that want me to dance!
  • I also realized I like me more than the tree me, and that it’s SUPPOSED to be that way. Creations need to like themselves more than whence they came from, otherwise they’ll run back.
  • Trees swaying in the wind are dancing! The whole universe wants to dance!

After-thoughts:

The divine feminine face that confronted me when I closed my eyes had an incredibly powerful effect on me. It looked much like this:Gaia_by_jlof - Psychedelic art divine feminine

 

Out of her eyes were tears coming out that had mini-eyes inside of them (symbolic of consciousness) and the liquid blue light tears/consciousness was forcing it’s way into my mouth and down my throat nourishing all the primary energy centers on the front of my body.  It is the most rejuvenating experience I have had in my entire life!

At first I was in great resistance to her doing this to me. And recently it dawned on me that the resistance is due to my difficult in accepting feminine/love energy even when I desire and need it.

There are many reasons for this and it is one of the most important lessons I have ever learned. The primary reason is that my mother, did not nourish me in an emotional feminine way instead she sucked my emotional energy out of me. This formed a template for me in that I thought that way was “normal” and proceeded to attract and be attracted to females that would do more of the same abusive sucking, leaving my dry and spent emotionally speaking.

In essence I have to flip the dynamic of how I relate to the feminine and this divine feminine face did that for me. It taught me a new way by gently coercing me to accept that kind of love. I still struggle with this, however Imagining females respecting me and giving me divine feminine energy and focusing on how good that feels is helping me reprogram my nervous system so I can attract more supportive female relationships in my life.

For as long as I can remember I have always operated under the assumption that I have to be on guard and that people will take from me, and it is my role to give. This has been severely dis-empowering.

Later in the trip I experience myself as an enormous cosmic tree. (trees need divine feminine blue water to grow) As the cosmic tree I was incredibly powerful, incredibly rooted in my being. The tree was hundreds of times larger than earth and was composed of a multitude of personalities and consciousness. This is my greater entity from whence I came. I am an offshoot a single leaf on this enormous cosmic tree growing outwards in all directions into the universe.

 

Psychedelic trip report #4 – LSD

Substance: LSD 2-hits of a weak batch, plus 1-2g of Extacy/MDMA – 2 hours in known as a “Candy Flip”

When: January 21st, 2012,

Time: started around 2:00pm – lasted until about 8pm

Participants: my gf, myself

Location: My place

My trip started off with lots of fun. The fractals were very small. All cuboid. The MDMA seemed to have no effect at all, didn’t make me happier, in fact it made me feel slightly more depressed if anything. I am now doubting that what my drug dealer sold me was anything but MDMA, probably was soap.

LSD had a more mechanical feel to it, most of the time it felt like I wasn’t really experiencing much of anything. I had to focus, on music, and focus in my mind in weird ways in order to conjure up stuff. And even then it was very fleeting. If I centered my emotions it started feeling very blank, empty, zen peaceful like….but that was kind of boring.

Towards the end of the trip I had tons of inspiration and felt like I was understanding how the universe operated and was constructed on a fundamental level. I saw how fractals formed strings, the strings then formed objects. The fractals also formed grid like tapestries that then produced form and curvature. The music brought all this into resonance, emotion brought it together, thought created and segmented it apart.

I wrote the following in Inspiration after the trip:

We are masters of the Universe
We are masters of the universe that have created form, from a change in perspective.
We are the universe trying to figure itself out.
We are the universe creating itself through a process of unfoldment.

Everything is unfolding, the directions of unflodment are creative, they meander in curves trying to break their linearity. The world of form gives us that.

The universe is wonderful for we created ourselves into existence. The purpose of fractal unfoldment on a large scale is to slow the whole thing down, to establish vibration, resonance, centeredness. Actual flexible linearity.

The universe created us so we could figure it out. It wants to understand what it is, it has a natural curiosity.

It needs to relax, center, be with itself, love itself.
Sex is the way that the universe makes love with another part of itself.
The world of form is the true wonder of the process of unfoldment.

The world of humans in some ways, the realm of thought tries to break free of its fractal nature. To create a whole new kind of wonderment.

The geometry of the universe, the golden ratio, the fractal reality, we owe it our homage.

500px-Fibonacci_spiral_34.svg_

Dielectricity is the contraction of folding in the squeezing, to create form. The densificaiton which gives rise to curves. This gives rise to changes in perspective.

Dielectricity and magnetism balance each other out to form the yin and the yang. This establishes and maintains equilibrium. One way is eternal expansion, the other way is eternal contraction. The two forces balance each other out. Contraction is required to construct the world of form, this causes densification. Magnetism the expansionary component gives rise to new lands where further contraction, can take place to create new forms.

The universe yearns to be densified as much as it yearns to expand, both process are occurring simultaneously.

When energy is folded back in on itself continuously this creates more and more energy. The more folding-in occurs and at a faster rate the more energy begins to build. It fractaly vortexes in on itself.

I am here on a mission to teach the fractal universe how to create form, so that it can chill out a bit…lol There is a sense of humor with all this creativity it gives the universe a certain sense of spontaneity.

The beauty of the vortex is its dialectical propensity to densify and thereby energy.
Dielectricity seeks to unify, to cohere, it does thus via a vortex. The beautiful thing about the folding process is it works exponentially, and this is embodied in the vortex. A logarithmic progression of energy. When these streams meet an explosion of energy erupts.

We don’t seek to explode however, we seek to contain, to “squeeze” it to hold its escalating frequencies. If the fractal strings can vibrate they can maintain a sense of cohesion, Vibrations will bring into rhythm the whole process. Rhythm gives rise to form, . Forms are created out of a desnification of rhythm, this is how energy is created.

We are taping the very wheelwork of nature. The fractal spiral case of Mc Esher. We are the hands writing themselves.

Mc.Esher understood the process of how the fractal universe is playing with itself. Playing games with itself, a creative Endeavour, one with humor and GREAT surprises!!

300px-Escher

The process of unfoldment going out in all directions creates unknown wonders that come back to us to surprise us so that we can learn more. The universe is creatively expanding but coming back in on itself simultaneously so it can learn from its great wonders abroad.

This is where out yearning for new lands, comes, to EXPLORE. hoping that we will find something new and novel! Curiosity is the hallmark of the universe. It loves playing this game! Watch what i can create! It plays this game with itself unfolding at a rapid rate.

There are fractals, which occur the dimension of space. Which then occur THROUGH the dimension of time. Space and time are perspectives. They allow the universe to create. By scaling back and forth space & time in different proportions to each other the universe can create all kinds of wondrous things.

Emotion is a dimension as well. Think about emotional magnetism and emotional dielectricity. Magnetism splays out to infinity, dielcricity seeks to hold center maintain, densify, solidify, calm the hyperactive creative streams.

Emotion calms cognitive mental hyperactivity. This is why it’s so important to balance cognitive reason with emotions. Otherwise they can go way of course and distract themselves to infinity!!! Eventually it will come back to itself though.

We are learning to balance the expansive and the contractive, controlling the rate of change on both in relation to each other is the key to mastery. Emotions brings things into resonance. this calms the hypercogntive that keeps seeking to run away with itself.
Playing with the parametric dimensions of time and space is what gives rise to duality and polarity. This is how form arises.

Ether is contraction and expansion in an equilibrium. We seek to perturb the equilibrium to make use of its energetic creative power.

Ether exists as a collection of multitudinous points in space. The ether points exist in absolutely perfect equilbrium. Brought out in its expansive state it would just replicate itself into oblivion again, so by using it contractive power we can constrain the expansive energy and meld it into form. The universe keeps seeking to blow itself apart, we bring it back together.

Matter is the dynamic stasis ….an exquisite balance of the magnetic expansive and the dielectric contractive forces.

A jellyfish is pure curvature, not a straight line anywhere to be seen. Truly miraculous.
The curve itself is miraculous from the fractal consciousness point of view. The fractal part is supremely logical, straight lined, framework providing, scaffolding. The divine feminine is the creation of that the crowning glory. Curves & emotional centeredness, rhythm, and calmness. It densifies, solidifies, relaxes, via strong centered emotion a completely new dimension, that always existed in a state of anxiety, the rush of it has been calmed down in the divine feminine.

The divine feminine is the creation of form. It’s a wonderful surprise!!

The ocean is a scalar of plancks.

The ocean represents a densified medium not so dense as a solid, and not so light as air. Solid matter is TOO dielectric.. it’s to condensed, it can’t create, air is TO expansive, can’t do much with it because it’s so spread out. Liquid is the perfect point the equilibrium between solid and gas. This is where the creative power in the universe lies within this harmonious balance state. Out of this arises flow, out of the ocean arises the daughter of the ocean the divine feminine!

The ocean is playful, because curves and fluids, and vortexes. The creation point is liquid. Hence why the universe arose out of a liquid state. It loves having a medium to play with it gives rise to sensation and emotion.

The cognitive part of me meets up with my gf, and goes whoa! haven’t seen anything like this before, it’s so different, it’s the piece I’m missing. Thus the yin and yang are born. Or always were.

Further After-thoughts:

Yes, the divine masculine is what causes the universe to expand. It’s a logarithmic growth like process that goes at incredible speed. It replicates so fast, that “livable” and experiential realities can’t be created unless a feminine, contracting/slowing force is applied.

The base reality in some ways is “more” masculine….the cuboid reality with its harsh square lines. The masculine and the feminine are NOT “things” rather they are active “processes”. A person is not tangibly female substance or male substance, rather a female person has a greater proportion of feminine force as opposed to masculine force. The ideal ratio is probably the golden ratio…. Some people like to think of energy as something tangible you can touch…but really energy is merely lines of moving force. The feminine causes contraction & cohesion with emotional force. Without the feminine the universe would ONLY be cubes. It’s the contraction of cuboid “strings” (just a long chain of cubes stacked end on end, twisting helical-ly like DNA and the constraints put on their replication like slowing down, or bending at angles, which causes the illusion of curves from a perception at a distance.

The creation of curves from cubes IS the universe attempt to create something new. Once you got curves, and densification you can create our physical reality and many other realities. It’s the universal drive towards novelty as Terrance McKenna figured out, which is how the universe tries to out-do-itself. The mischievousness playful attitude is very beneficial in terms of creating NEW novel things and realities. Also it creates new species of consciousness or perception when you can trick people into believing certain things. The universe likes to trick itself!

One sensation I had on all my trips, was that My body was un-curling/un-folding and it felt like I could grow plants or realities from the entire front side of my body as the energy fractal cubes un-curled according to the golden ratio.
I also heard this sound on all my trips: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-lEWnZ6KSAg (sound that starts at 2:02 on this song,)

sounds like a mechanical version of Mongolian throat singing

Also PLAY this —–> http://lights.elliegoulding.com/ <——– that is very similar to what I experienced on my Mushroom & LSD trip. On mushrooms things were more organic, and pulsating, on LSD things were more square and vibrating.

Psychedelic trip report #3 – Mushrooms

Substance: Mushrooms; species unknown

Quantity: unknown  (probably 2g-4g)

Date: November 12, 2011,

Timing: 10:00pm took about 1hr to set in, last for about 6

Participants: my gf, Miss.gypsy, myself

Location: Local Burning Man Decomp party

My gf and I were all to eager to go on our next trip. Miss.gypsy was very hesitant. I thought I would do flow staff, but once the effects started, I became overwhelmed with a fractal universe and found it difficult to move. Also sense of time become lost. My gf and Miss.gypsy were supposed to be greeters, and I started getting anxiety about them not doing their jobs.

Then my mind decided to bring up all kinds of negative stuff, and do draining pyscho-therapy on itself. There was too many people around, it was too hot, and social anxiety went into overdrive. I was on the verge of what felt like a anxious meltdown for several hours. I could barley keep myself together psychologically.

Eventually my gf and I left, Miss.gypsy stayed…. and walking to the car, the nighttime sky was most mesmerizing. The universe, and galaxy felt so much closer!! That was an awe inspiring feeling I will never forget. It made the trip entirely worth it, however brief the euphoria was. I got into the car, and thought it was wearing off, but it wasn’t. The nature of my trip changed as the fractals got smaller though. Got home worried obsessively about Miss.gypsy that we had left her. Towards the end though I began letting go, And had that cheering sensation Miss.gypsy had described from her DMT trip.

A lot of what I experienced was the fractals were very large, such that they formed portals into past experiences/memories…mostly anxious ones, as if my pysche was bringing them up to cognitive light to work through them, and then purge them.

Take away’s….set and setting are so VERY important. I got way in over my head, people setting was not good, i tuned to much into other peoples (strangers) insecurities amplifying my own. I also learned anxiety again was still a very serious issue for me that required tons more work. Lesson learned …don’t do shrooms around total strangers at a large party, EVER again.

Some pictures that gives you an idea of what the trip looked like to me:

Psychdelic portals universe mushrroms

 

Everything in my field of vision looked like the ceiling in the above picture. This is hands down one of the best pictures I have found the represents the visuals I ge ton high-dose mushrooms.
9428-59 stock-photo-colorful-psychedelic-fractal-background-2548691 Technicolor-e1349724823497 tumblr_lubmeeSqho1qe2fico1_500

Psychedelic trip report #2 – DMT

Substance: DMT (N,N-Dimethyltryptamine)

Quantity: one hit…40mcg?,

When: October 7, 2011

Timing: start time about 10:30pm – trip lasted for 10mins, felt like 70 years

Participants: my gf, Miss.gypsy, Wizard-friend, myself
Location: Wizard-friends apartment overlooking a river valley (about 20th floor). His room feels like a jungle with all the plants, and dozens of thick beeswax candals.
I could feel the darkness coming over me. I took one last long toke, and then lay back and was transported into a fractal universe that appeared to be bounded on the sides by a cube. I lost all sense of memory and how I had gotten there. I lost all memory of my life, and it felt like i had been there before on a nightly basis during my dreams. I had extreme anxiety, a whimpering fear, as the very large fractal Tiki’s with rounded eyes, kept fractaling down on me …in the corner..they were made up of fractal square sheets that had a slight thickness to them, and sometimes it was cubes.

Lego land cube world DMT

 

DMT-Drawing

I remember the cubes fractaled out to infinity..but i still had the feeling of confinement, as if my current place was locked. It was terrifying, i curled up in the fetal position wishing it would all stop, that the fractals would stop compounding in on me and away from me and in on me, like a square fractal slinky that went back…and forth. The speed was incredible felt like i had been there an eternity.

I did not like this place. Everything was made of squares, i thought it so peculiar that i saw no curves, only the illusions of curves brought about by the distant perspective of the squares. It was a harsh square sheet reality, the fractal entities were menacingly honing in on me….maybe they were trying to show me all my fears and anxieties, but there were so many it occurred all so very rapidly, i was meant to confront them, but the presence of the entities that were bringing them to me frightened me. The colours were all pastel pink, orange pink, bland colours. The following image gives a good idea of the depth and expanse I experienced, as well a bit about the square fractacality, and the coulours are very close.

alex_grey-net_of_being-2007-001

When i opened my eyes the whole room was cascading into a pixilated landscape of cubes…the plants turned into lego blocks, everything was moving and continuously fractaling itself out away and back, the plant beside me turned into a palm tree, and i was very aware of the confines of the room i was in, and it seemed to confine my trip in a clausterphopic like way. The plants actually had colour and the cubes/lego blocks fractal, were green. Then when i closed my eyes i was back in that terrifying reality, i couldn’t decide what reality i would prefer yet they appeared to be one in the same, switching between them was very confusing because they kept merging. As I came to, the room seemed larger than life, and the people that were with me were part of an alien landscape, the painting on the wall was layered itself and moving, i closed my eyes to a blackness with green lightning it was cool, i tried bringing back the fractal tikis, and only got a glimpse of a more loving tiki setting. Then i came too. It felt like I was gone for decades, perhaps centuries, i was apologizing for having left for so long, It took a bit to remember my life and who I was. I had experienced ego-death, and really felt like I gained nothing from it.

My initial interpretation:
It appears most of my anxiety is related to time. MY EGO APPEARS TO BE SEVERELY ATTACHED TO TIME AND OUTCOMES IN LINEAR TIME…EXPECTATIONS. In terms of my dreams and sleep in my early teens i started having severe insomnia, severe anxiety about not getting enough sleep so i wouldn’t have enough energy the next day. I’m emotionally attached to time. The DMT trip caused me to confront this. Time is a pencil spinning on edge. The theme among all my dreams is attachment to time and anxiety around that. My relationships with my ex-gf perpetuated this anxiety made it worse and was basically a sign showing me how terrible it is to get caught up in time. She is a hyper strong J (from ESFJ). I thought the fractals in DMT were reflections of my attachment to time. Emotional attachment to time events, outcomes. Get a watch without a time face. Do the tikis represent time, are they time wardens, guardians, time shapers?

hei-tiki_designSUP_logo-296x300

The primal form of the Hei-tiki from the Maori tribe in New Zealand appears to be what I encountered on my DMT trip. What it means….I don’t know. There is probably some connection to ancient Polynesian civilization from the islands that made up the Lost Continent of Mu the famed counterpart to Atlantis. Seth mentions it briefly….

After-thoughts:

Why I am so hesitant to return to that place? The worst that could happen is another Ego death. Firstly Ego death is painful and NOT pleasurable, secondly Seth says Ego death is DETRIMENTAL to your pysche. Ego death’s cause new ego’s to rise (some people I guess call this rebirth) however it is a great insult to your already constructed ego. Seth goes at length in one of his books explaining these detrimental effects. Destroying your ego, and then having it haphazardly reform is not spiritual growth in fact it impedes it.

Thus I will NOT do DMT again, or a high dose of any drug. One ego death for this lifetime is good enough, the experience is positively terrifying. Being thrust into a reality full force, without any external reference points, put’s me into the position of being a passive observer with no control. Cam’t really do any exploring.

That being said I CAN explore these realities on low-to-medium dose LSD and mushrooms while maintaining an intact ego. This allows me the freedom to play, to actively explore, because my emotional and cognitive faculties are largely still intact and can provide me with much more direction. I have more interactive power. Working on my emotions is also key. Manipulating and controlling emotional focus with stable flux, is what those realities respond to.

Psychedelic trip report #1 – Mushrooms

Substance: Mushrooms

Quantitiy: 2.5g

When: August 11, 2011,

Time: start time about 3:00pm, took about an hour to begin feeling effects, and at 2 hour mark, full potential was realized.

Participants: my gf, miss.gypsy, aspergers-friend, depressed-friend, buddha-friend, myself
Location: My house
If I had to have an image to describe the overall feeling/sensation/experience of what the entire trip felt like I would choose this. It felt like I had entered another realm and was surrounded by magic and curious energy.

830px-Jake_stays_on_Pandora_forever

This is what it felt like sitting on the couch relaxing. There was a really care-free like comical attitude about everything.

beatles-couch_l

In the beginning when I first started tripping, when I closed my eyes I saw green, and orange pulsating rooms similar to this:

green-room

At one point my gf appeared to morph into Neytiri from Avatar (with the big eyes and narrow jawline!!!):

neytiri-and-jake_800

And she also look a bit like this girl from Mass Effect 2:

4466865131_91625e9d1c

The psychedelic experience was much different than I had anticipated. I thought you just “saw” trippy stuff but, no the quality of your mind itself actually changes and seems to have this flexible like quality. My mind felt a bit like play-doh. It’s almost impossible to describe, but an experience I think everyone should have at least once.

You quickly understand why so many creative people and so much inspiration in movies, music, art, writing and games comes from. It’s truly a magical realm that offers endless opportunity for novelty.