Category Archives: Therapy Sessions

Sarcasm as a coping mechanism

I have always prided myself in my ability to spot hypocrisy in other people. Sometimes I feel like I am THE world expert on it. The difference between what people say and what they do never seemingly escapes me. I feel like I have a dogs nose for people insecurities and the devious methods they use to cover them up. It’s also kind of like crack for me.

Which leads to sarcasm. A cruel sense of humor. I can sometimes be calculating cold and cruel in this manner as I point out people’s insecurities and the discrepancies in their logic.

My intent isn’t be cruel, many times I wish I could say things in a nicer manner, but sometimes I think truth is a dish best served cold. Also I feel many times that honesty=cruelty especially when it comes to touchy subjects. I have a real difficult time imagining how certain things can be broken to people in a “nice” way.

In essence people’s insecurities frighten me. I see them as a threat to my survival, chiefly because my mother had so very many. As a kid I had to adapt to her emotionalism in order to survive and this involved reality testing her behaviors.

The catch here though is other people’s insecurities frighten me because my OWN insecurities frighten me. Because I am so aware of other people’s hypocrisy it makes me feel I am also self-aware of my own. I feel I am the least hypocritical person most self-honest person out there because of this.

However recent therapy sessions have made me become aware of a profound  disconnect between my thoughts and my emotions. A type of cognitive dissonance.

I have a bitter edge towards happiness, and getting needs met, a certain in-built bias. I feel that most peoples happiness is disingenuous, and really what they are experiencing is a type of false high to cover up their pain. In reality this is how I feel about my own happiness when i do experience it. I feel like I am being disingenuous to my inner hurt child/self.

The recent therapy I went for however changed something in me. It got me to sense into a type of contact support I had never really allowed myself to feel. This has started opening up my heart to be more open and free. Others peoples insecurities including my own cause my heart to clamp down and lock itself up out of fear. Opening it up makes me feel incredibly vulnerable, however I realize my heart does not to be alone, but that there are other bodily and emotional resources available chiefly in my back and those supporting my “back” that can support my heart.

I am now trying to move to a place, where I can still spot hypocrisy, however instead of feeling negative towards it, being compassionate and understanding. And then perhaps playfully pointing it out to others/myself in a safe supportive environment that facilitates compassionate change rather a sarcastic shaming one.

When insecurities are brought up I feel that some level of shame is unavoidable, however if you immediately offer redemption it severely lessons the pain. Bringing internal insecurities of others/self to light should really be a joyous evolutionary moment. It’s a moment of self-betterment, of increased awareness, and expansion of consciousness, a liberation…a redemption.

The insecurities really are surface matter, debris that can be cleared, that a delightful soul exists underneath that is quite separate and distinct.

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Session #8, Thursday February 23, 2012

This was my week-long wrap up session. My big question was, what are my blind spots? Those areas in my perception of self/others that I am missing. My therapist said I really only had one, and that it was big, and that was my lack of using my emotional core and being in touch with it. In other words I am dissociating too much. The big thing I have to work on is emotional awareness in the body….NOT the head.

I then asked him if there were meditation techniques to help cultivate emotional awareness, and he said there weren’t any really and the closest was probably Vipassana. Although he did warn, extensive prolonged hours of meditation tends to lead to dissociation in most people which really is the opposite of getting in touch with your inner, higher self. Watching your mind (taught in most meditations) is like watching the secondary effects of something. What you want to be watching, increasing awareness of, is your emotional core for that is the primary source of your unique individuality, creativity and essence. It is precisely that which most people in society are sorely disconnected from, and mind meditation while it may have some minor benefits….if it leads to extensive dissociation leads to an almost psychopathy. My therapist had been a therapist for people who had gone through 20 – 40 day meditations and said that these people can turn out really quite disjointed and disconnected from their own emotions, this is regression. I asked my therapist if he were to wager a guess, how many people on the planet were actively trying to increase awareness (emotional) hes aid maybe 1 in a 1000 probably a lot less.

My therapist said meditations 3x a day 10-minutes at a time would be the maximum he would suggest. This is line with meditation guru Herbert Benson’s suggestion as well. The best time to practice internal emotional awareness is when communicating with other people. Cultivating this works best when with others NOT if you put yourself in isolation. It is other people that evoke emotions in us the most. It is through the reflection of others that we learn the most about ourselves. My therapist maintained that we have a highly individualized life experience, we really don’t know what it is like to be another. It is when we use our emotional core to intuitively attempt to understand how other people use their emotional cores different than us, and we are aware of this process, that this is where we as humans stand to grow the most! In his opinion this is pretty much your life’s purpose and I would have to agree with him.

This is why diversity and novelty are probably the most important aspects of life. This is the reason why being at Burning Man felt like it was literally rewiring my brain. My best friend & my gf had the same experience. My therapist went on to tell me the best possible way to increase intelligence was to do as MANY different things as possible. Intelligence in the pre-frontal cortex expands latterly. He said there was a window of age 20-30 where this worked best. He recommended trying everything at least once, especially those things you think you wouldn’t like. Snowboarding, Tennis, Ping-Pong, cooking, Pottery, etc. By doing things so drastically different one from the next you increase the greater use of unique neuron pathways in the brain. This creates foundations for bringing in a greater diversity of creativity to the thing you eventually do decide to solely focus on. I am going to try and make a list of things I haven’t done/tried and make an attempt to try them all at least once. (hmmm this is tough, only things i can think of is skydiving & paragliding…)

Novelty is the key to life. This is exactly the conclusion Terrance McKenna came to as well. My therapist said that I should also pay particular attention to those peoples feelings, who I thought were dumb, stupid, uninteresting, awkward, strange, disgusting, boring, etc. I tend to be judgy of such people, and this is the wrong approach. It is of utmost IMPORTANCE to appreciate differences. Every person has something unique to offer you. He said to use other people to learn about yourself, and to expand your emotional awareness.

To close off I asked my therapist with all his knowledge and experience what his greatest source of confusion was. And he said it comes to him in the form of people that sit where I was sitting. He said it is the most screwed up people the ones who look hopeless, that when they learn about their emotions and find inner emotional peace, it are those who can become immensely powerful. I must be one of his most boring clients! My therapist is one of the most sought after therapists, his clientele include Hollywood stars and billionaires. I have gained a lot from my sessions with him. It has opened a whole new area of my life for development. An area I didn’t even know existed!

Session # 7 , Wednesday February 22, 2012

I believe it was in Taoist china, every village had what was called the village idiot, who was also simultaneously the village wiseman. This person would do everything in the opposite way that people in the village did things. By doing this, he was showing them via difference what it was they were doing. If there is no variation or way to compare what you are doing to something else, you won’t really be aware of what it is you do. “Idiot” actually comes from the Latin word “idios” which means individual, which lends to difference/diversity.

In this session I asked my therapist mostly about his history. He said he really got into Philosophy of Mind, Consciousness and Awareness around his high school years due to his more “intelligent” friends getting him to read all these books they thought were really cool. My therapist subsequently moved to a commune where this Russian Master dude had a cult like following of people all trying to raise their awareness. There also was some brilliant Russian Mathematician there as well. I’ll have to get the names. Anyways my therapist was interested in awareness and how it relates to human evolvement.

Awareness is a somewhat ambiguous term. Awareness of what? Primarily awareness of self. This gets sortav into Buddhist/Taoism now. My therapist explained that most people are quite unconscious being a patterned product of their environment. People do the things their nervous system was conditioned to do since a very young age. The key is to become aware of the conditioning the neural, nervous system conditioning (he is talking body sense conditioning here not Mind conditioning all though it includes that as well) and once you are aware of it you can change it! Somatic-therapy is a technique in how to change basic programming on a very core emotional level. He said you can batter people with logic all day long and change their “mind” but if you don’t change their emotional core programming nothing really changes and said person resorts back to their neural body conditioning. In order to change, awareness is key, thus awareness of self and emotions and what they are, how they work, what they’re saying, is fundamental to evolvement. So the chief goal is to become more fully aware more present chiefly of your frontal emotional center, and to avoid dissociation which is the opposite to presence. This is how you change yourself and evolve spiritually.

This is how you step out of the unconscious conditioning that the masses find themselves, and grow. Plus he said all things in the mind come first from the neural intelligence of the emotional nervous/neural network, and that this is scientifically proven. Thus the human biological brain really is a secondary interpreter/ image creator from impulses and intelligence arising from the enteric/limbic primal nervous system. It’s that system he believes is key in order to unlock human potential. Which is really cool!!!

He said he really doesn’t care what people think, or what goes on in their head. He said it really doesn’t matter. What he cares about is what people feel deep in their core, and how well aware they are of that deeper mostly ignored feeling/intuitive intelligence.

There is a really strong connection between this core frontal body emotional intelligence and psychic abilities. This is where I believe the power of precognition comes from, telepathy, intuitive knowing, intuitions, etc. Somatic-therapy provides perhaps one of the best frameworks at developing this intuitive type of intelligence.

Keeping in line with awareness, curiosity is paramount. You have to be curious about yourself in order to bring awareness to those inner core feelings and intelligence. He told me a story of how this Noble prize winning chemist at Harvard insisted on teaching the Intro Chem classes. He would drop in on students in labs and ask them what they thought was going on in their experiments. He wasn’t looking to see if they were doing it right though, what the was interested in was how people thought. He could care less about their conclusions, he was using his students to learn about how they learn, how they are self aware, and how they develop intelligence. He then used this knowledge to improve himself. For this is where he saw true intelligence lay, and that is in integrating as many different ways that people learn so he himself could learn and operate better.

My therapist said he can very quickly tell how intelligent someone is. If he comes across a person who thinks they know everything and isn’t interested in how HE thinks then he knows they are not very intelligent for they have very little capability of true intelligent growth. However when he does come across a person interested in “how” HE thinks he realizes he has met an intelligent person. It is the differences among us that lead to a self reflective process which increases personal self centered awareness.

This is why diversity of thought, intelligence is so important. It gives rise to greater awareness, creativity and evolvement/ spiritual growth. This was another very profound “mind blown” session. This is really cool stuff. Oh yea my therapist went to Harvard for some 10 years, but only was enrolled for 4. He spent 6 years bumming around talking to students finding out about good instructors and then dropping in on classes for free. He was there in the early 1970’s at the time that BF skinner was there (famous behaviour psychologist), Herbert Benson (famous mediation guy who studied Tibetan Buddhist monks) as well as the guy who was making LSD, and many others. He knew a lot of these gentlemen.

Session # 6 Tuesday Feb 21st, 2012

This session dealt with all my issues related to social anxiety. Here I learned about “activation” the continuum of emotional activation or arousal. When people become overactivated they dissociate. It’s a neurological protective mechanism. People via traumatic experiences or any situation where the nervous system gets overloaded will go into high or over-activation (dissociation). People in an environment of continual high activation will see their baseline activation level rise. It becomes their new sense of normal.

Thus he said a lot of EMT’s, firemen, police, only feel alive while on the job, and then resort to drinking lots of alcohol afterwards, which causes dissociation, which is overactivation. These people actually feel uncomfortable in relaxed environments! Often people that are like this or are drama bound like my mother or sister, will create drama/emotional activation if the surroundings don’t give it to them. So I learned how to tune into my own personal activation “thermometer” so that I could become aware of it and learn to control it. Most people are oblivious to their emotional state and are reactionary, by having their activation on autopilot. And a lot of people just dissociate….they live in that state. You see the opposite of that state is a totally present relaxed state. This is a state I am trying to achieve as my baseline. Where your breathing deeply, totally in the present moment, and in control of activation keeping it from going too high or into overactivation. Extreme emotional intensity or excitement is characteristic of high level activation. And dissociation goes beyond that. People who have a deadened blank stare are often over-activated.

As the base line level moves up the continuum of activation it creates a new normal for a person. Activation leads to opiate release in the brain, so the higher states of activation can become somewhat addictive. It’s why my therapist explained to me people who are in abusive relationships will continue to go from one abuser to another. It releases opiates; it’s their brain/nervous system sense of homeostasis. It is the most natural pathway in the brain to follow. This is really the law of attraction at work on the nervous system level. Like attracts like, for it is what is comfortable to the brain and nervous system.

This is why depressed people like being around depressed people. Misery loves company. This creates a self-reinforcing feedback loop wiring the brain and strengthening the neuron connections of the given activation state. This is why it’s positively unpleasant for unhappy people to be around happy people. Somatic-therapy works at rewiring the nervous system to create a new normal. This is what is so very cool about it! Once you become aware of activation you can learn to control it with certain techniques!

One thing my therapist told me, good friends are people that really gets you, really understands you, see you who for you are, and you don’t necessarily need to have common interests or values. I thought that was cool. In pickup you learn one of the fundamental human motivations or needs , is just plainly to be understood.

Then my therapist started telling me how LSD/psychedelics can be useful. It has to do with chaos. Out of chaos comes higher order, which begets more chaos which begets even higher order. The nervous system operates in a similar way. It is how traumatic like experiences can become grounds for personal growth. You learn from them, and then develop greater capabilities. (Unless you get stuck in a negative feedback loop…then its a downward spiral<-that’s my opinion)

He talked about how when he has undergraduate students come into his Somatic-therapy classes. He has to confuse them, (poke holes in their models) so that they are willing to try and learn something new. Those students that think they know everything are particularly tough to crack. Once they’ve gone onto do masters/PhD, then they begin to learn about all the holes, which creates confusion which is good. These people become easier to teach something new.

Having your entire belief system up-rooted once in a while can be a valuable thing. Order and Chaos are like the yin and yang, going around in a circle. Each time you go around you evolve and learn a bit more. Psychedelics he said can be a great start to create some initial confusion, it does overload the nervous system however, and it has an interesting effect on peoples need to control, in that your are forced not to control unless you want a bad trip, lol.
However after a while he said psychedelics as tool outgrow their usefulness and then it’s time to move onto something else. Repeating a certain kind of experience only nets you so much confusion/knowledge and then you reach a limit to growth. What to move on after that, I’m not sure, he didn’t say, but I am incredibly curious to find out!

This for me was a “mind blown” session. The last little philosophical part really helped me create perspective on what I have been learning in terms of emotional awareness, control and ability. I also realized that how Ed teaches his new students, I try do the same to others. I try to poke holes in their models….confusion… so that they can step out of their limitations and adopt more expansive ones and create a new order.

My therapist talking to my gf explained to her that everyone has blind spots, areas of personal perception that they subconsciously and woefully neglect. A certain inner like hypocrisy that they can’t see. I am curious now, what blind spots do I have?? I’ll have to ask him tomorrow if there are any he can detect. If any of you dear readers think I have some, please point them out, by all means!!!

When it comes to dreams it’s not so much the content that is important, but what the emotional states are.

Shame without redemption is humiliation. This is why Napolean Dynamite was such a popular movie. The main character was constantly being shamed throughout the movie, along with pedro, they lived lives of shame at school. However at the end of the movie they were able to redeem themselves and thus people watching the film also felt a certain sense of redemption by watching the film. In this way films can be somewhat healing and cathartic. And they teach valuable emotional lessons in a very subtle way. Good comedians know how to make use of this knowledge so that by inducing laughter from the audience, they are also inducing a certain amount of emotional release as well. If you think about it, the Christ story really is an archetypal story of shame and redemption. Jesus was shamed into death, and then was resurrected to redeem humanity. The archetype of redemption/resurrection is very old and universal. It is the process by which confusion leads to order! A universal primordial archetype present in all natural systems.

As said before my therapist was one of the interviewers for the Med school application process. What he would do when applicants came to him is tell them he was tired of interviewing applicants and that they should just have some fun and play ping pong. He said you really can get a sense about a person by how they PLAY, much more than if they are sitting them down and asking them questions which they are answering often only the way you want to hear it, rather than revealing their true self. During play the true self comes out more. It’s closer to flow state.

Session # 5 Monday Feb 20, 2012

This was a run of the mill Somatic-therapy style session, where I worked through a past trauma where some older kid tried choking me to death when I was in grade 2. This is why I got so interested in martial arts, took assassination martial arts, learned how to kill people and then wanted to do it as a career by becoming a navy seal. That was my early teenage year aspirations.

It’s interesting, my therapist used to read applicants wanting to go into med school, said that when asked the question of “What their motivation was to become a doctor?”, 90% said their motivation was because they had some time in their past experienced a situation where they were trying to medically help someone but couldn’t, or didn’t have the knowledge. It’s Ironic because then these Doctors end up in a profession where they work themselves to death trying to not make any mistakes and they still can’t save everyone.

Session #4 – Sun Feb 9th, 2012

Session started off by talking about consciousnesses, hitchens, Sam Harris, Dean Radin, Physics and then eventually lead into Taoism. This is where things got interesting in that we talked about the Enteric Nervous System and how it relates to Nei Kung and Somatic-therapy. My therapist is really interested in monks who appear to have perfect state control over reptilian parts of the nervous system. Aka the brain OUTSIDE of the brain. Fascinating stuff. (on a side note my therapist told me Descartes was not a dualist, he just did that in the face of the church….he had a book about this)

My therapist also told me about this Russian guy affiliated with Harvard who has an incredible energy field, that can cure people of their addictions to smoking and eating disorder by blowing in their ear. Apparently his mother went and visited this guy. I theorized it was his yin chi energy field that gave him his healing power. I have to research this guy more…. must get his name.

The first 3 sessions so far have had a significant impact on my dream state. I have less anxiety, the Somatic-therapy sessions are working so far! Lol, my gf said she saw my dad after session and he looked stunned, when she asked my therapist about it, eh said he was there to shake things up for people, lol!!

I shared with him my insights into the synthesis of emotional body/nervous system and the intellect/brain and how amazing it feels when the two are working in sync in harmony. This is what FLOW state is. My therapist explained its where the intellect and the emotional aspects the self come together it is at that juncture where creativity comes! True creativity comes from flow state. A state I’m willing to bet most people don’t live in. It’s the aspects natural inclinations of Thinking and Feeling form the myerbriggs that throw them off kilter. This plus early lifetime emotional trauma patterning that wires their nervous systems incorrectly.

The cool thing about Somatic-therapy is your nervous system can learn new pathways very, VERY quickly. In one session you can show your body a better way of functioning! It’s amazing how fast it happens, it doesn’t really require much effort.

Now Flow State is only really accessed through a joyful play state. So the trick to flow is to be in a playful frame of mind. This is where your creativity will begin to really shine through. One thing my gf and I noticed about our therapist, is that he has a certain kind of glow about him. When he is “working” he is in total play mode! Aka, Flow State.

Most people in society do their 9-5 “work” and don’t really play. This is drone society. May as well be a robot. If you can find something that you LOVE to do, as if its like playing, then you will be hooked into the flow state, emotions and intellect combine synergistic-ally for unbridled amounts of creative power!!! For me learning often brings me into flow state, or kiteboarding. As well as discussion.

My therapist is really big into Paul Eckman’s work. It’s through understanding your own emotions that flow state can be unlocked. Emotions are universal they allow us to communicate and establish a common reference point with all peoples of the planet. There are about 12 primal emotions, and if you are cognizant of them nearly all the time and which one you are having you can synergize it with your brain/intellect. This will be one of my next tasks, becoming more aware of the nuances of all my emotions and how to work with them! Truly profound stuff. Most of the time i have no clue how my limbic, reptilian, enteric nervous system are feeling. It’s time for full body intelligence integration!

Session#3 – Saturday Feb 18th, 2012

Yea Conscious Loving was one of my therapists top recommended books. That goes a long ways considering his caliber.

I told my therapist how my sister and Mom are so drama bound, and he asked me to think what was the goal of their drama? I have just always ascribed it to the ego, however he told me that there is some fundamental need of theirs that isn’t being met and that if it were they wouldn’t be like that…..Hmm I’m totally stumped! What could it be? For my mother I think it might have something to do with her dad..but for my sister!?

Wow, this was one of my best sessions yet! I explained to my therapist my family dynamics as to how I see them. And then we talked about my feelings. Specifically ANGER. Now anger is not something i am typically prone to, so it was a bit of a laughing matter for me. It seems that I have anger issues, in that I don’t display enough ANGER. I actually felt like that session was like the movie Anger Management with Adam Sandler. My therapist tried making me angry so I could study the emotion. Hilarious!! ROFLMAO!

Anyways, so my mother violated a lot of my boundaries projecting her emotional reality onto mine and shaming/guillting me into conforming with hers. This normally would make a person very angry, but it’s tough to be angry at someone who is your source of survival. It’s like people who titoe around their boss for fear of upsetting their boss making him/her angry and then losing their job. Except when your a kid and its not your job, but your life that appears to be at stake its much more dire.

So I repressed my anger, in addition to this my parents themselves don’t really get angry when someone violates them, so I never learned it from them. My aunt will get angry over small things and publicly throw a temper tantrum, so I had that in juxtaposition. My therapist seems to think I repressed my anger, as well as my parents, in order not to appear “crazy”. It’s like in Japan, public displays of anger, are considered losing face.

So I tried getting in touch with my anger emotion. Seems to work best on my knifing thieving manipulating sister. (I do love her deep down)

The cool thing about anger is that it brings an emotional contentedness to myself, it’s very similar to an emotional contentedness found in meditation. There is great power in stern controlled expressed anger. Temper tantrum rage anger is out-of control, and i guess I never have really differentiated the two types of anger in my mind. Robert deniro when he is pissed is a good example of controlled anger. Or sometimes Samuel l Jackson. In the words of my therapist its a “DON”T FUCK WITH ME” anger. 🙂

This experience allowed me to build a path of emotional confidence. I’m used to ignoring my emotions and rationalizing them away, especially negative emotions.

There is great power to be found in emotional centerdness, this is one of the attributes that attracted me to my gf. She is very good at it. This is what confidence is!!! I always thought confidence was an intellectual state of mind, but really its an emotional state!!! It’s a body sense/feeling state distinct from the mind in my opinion. This is the beauty of somatic-therapy it connects the emotions of the body with the mind. Most people have their emotions locked in their mind and don’t express them through their body! When the emotional body heart/chakra centered state gets combined with the intellect a true synthesis develops and it gives you an almost invincible feeling!! Wow so cool!! This is why integrating/synergizing emotions and intellect is so VERY important!! This is true spiritual evolution type stuff!

I think I just figured out what the big thing is that my sister, mom & dad to some degree need in their life. The thing they are lacking that they become miserable over in order to try and get. And that is friends. All 3 are very strong introverted and isolate themselves from the world. They have no friends that share their values, interests and inclinations. No friends that constructively challenge them. They have closed themselves off in a bubble world where they try to make ME into their friend. The thing is my interests, values are radically different than theirs I cant be their “friend”. I will be their son, and brother, but I cant also wear the friend hat, not with such core differences. Thus the most important thing for them IMO is the Vortex and the law of attraction!!

Session #2 – Friday Feb 17th, 2012

I learned more today about myself. My mother has been the single greatest source of anxiety in my entire life, next to the church i grew up in. Since a very young age my mother tried to mold me in to her perfect little church drone, and making me take music lessons via the Yamaha program that totally went against my learning style and was a source of great misery for me, to forcing me to go to church, and trying to force who i would associate with…people from church. She came down on my hard and when i didnt conform,……it upset her greatly. I hated upsetting my mother, I thought she might abandon me. Once I threatened suicide, and she said fine and gave me a knife. When my brother was born (me and my sister witnessed it, my mother screaming..while she gave birth to him….traumatizing) my sister and I asked her for a long time if she loved him? We reasoned that since he caused her so much pain that she may reject him and we were very concerned for our new little brother.

As a child this was particularly difficult, in that my mother/parents were my source of security and my life depended on them. Thus I couldn’t be myself, I was often not allowed to do what I wanted. It was quite oppressive. When you can’t fight back, or flee when being oppressed for fear of abandonment or your boundaries/choices are violated you go into freeze response. This response got locked into my nervous system through my formative growing up years. It’s like being caught between a rock and a hard place. You just stay put and try to survive, and not compromise to much of yourself.

Bi-annually I would have to memorize bible verses and quote them in front of the entire church which would be about 400 people. If you fucked up everyone would see, and most would giggle. Kids screwing up is cute right? Not for the kid its not! Anyways that was a pretty big source of anxiety, church people are so judgmental. There is a great fear that if you screw up enough you might get removed from the “clan”. In tribal cultures this is almost certain death. People are shamed if they step out of line, and don’t conform to the church status quote. I came to resent the entire church. My mother embodied every element of the church, it was and still is incredibly precious to her. I’m sure Mennonite-friend can relate.

Eventually I left the church, my mother cried….a lot, and eventually my family kicked me out of the house. I just wasn’t cut out to be a church drone….plus I had changed my beliefs. However the damage had been done to my “animal” nervous system.

What this also does, is when you freeze, cuz you cant fight or run, you go up into your head and disconnect from your body. The therapy works with body sense to restore your awareness to your body.

Anyways in order to rewire my animalistic nervous system, my therapist had me imagine i was a tiger, pushing away my mother who oppressed me. It’s a way of rewiring to a fight response in order to release energy locked in from the freeze response. It was incredibly cathartic. The therapy model my therapist works with i think is loosely associated with the Triune brain model.

My dad had a session with my therapist as well. Something my therapist told him which i thought was cool is that when a lot of people go to physio, or chiropractor, they often inflict a short term pain close to where you have a long term chronic pain. This releases opiates to the area, temporarily masking the long term pain. This lasts for a day or 2, and then you go back to said practitioner. Obviously the root problem doesn’t get addressed and health practioners are making cha ching, cha ching, mula doh $.

Reminds me of people that engage in cutting. They are cutting themselves creating physical pain in order to distract themselves from psychological pain. I began to wonder…..I wonder how many people create psychological pain to try and distract themselves for other deeper psychological pain??? People that are drama bound seem to have this dilemma, it’s like a coping run away mechanism that is self destructive and never addresses the root cause. Crazy!

P.S. Wrote memorization and auditory based music learning was the bane of my existence growing up. Both were highly valued by mother and the church. 😛

Therapy Session #1 – Nov 24, 2011

My mother had been going for therapy ever since I was a child. I had occasionally seen some of her therapists (4 different ones my life, each 1x) because she insisted and since it helped her soooo much she thought it should help me as well. Needles to say most of the therapists thought I was perfectly normal, and really couldn’t offer me any help. I didn’t really have any problems either though. I had lived to me a very normal uneventful, non-traumatic life.

Recently my mother had gotten interested in a specific modality of Somatic based therapy and she thought it was the shit and began training in it. Based on my 4x previous experiences with “therapy” I was very, VERY skeptical. I had declined a couple of times already. But this guy was her therapist was also a trainer who trains therapists and went to Harvard so I decided to give it a shot. My mom thought it could help me with the Chronic Fatigue syndrome I had been suffering from for over 10 years. I had also been having nightmares, and anxious dreams that I would have loved to remedy.

So fast forward, to the session. I tell the therapist the thing about CFS, and my anxious dreams. His question is how is my relationship with my parents? I say “fine” we go out for dinner weekly and get along relatively well. All true. Guess this was not the answer he was looking for.

Then my therapist tells me something shocking: “I think your main problem is that your parent’s don’t love for who you are.” Excuse me!?? What the fuck does have to do with any of my issues?

Now he had me hooked, not only was he knocking my parents which delighted me a bit, because they had recommend him and told me they would pay his $175 charge out rate to eternity for me, he thought they were somehow magically at the root of my issues.

He then had me doing exercises imagining I was a tiger and mauling my mother. He told me I had problems feeling anger, and this was a serious issue and a repressed emotion I had to bring out.

God, if only my Mom knew what this guy was telling me and having me do. she would not approve. LOL!

I still didn’t understand how this related to my issues I wanted resolved, however he had brought up other perhaps more important issues I just wasn’t aware of. The rest is history.