Substance: 4-AcO-DMT Fumarate 18mg diluted in water
When: March 5th, 2014
Participants: my gf as sitter, myself
Location: My place
The come up for this trip was super quick. I started feeling effects within 10 minutes of consumption. And it came on very strong. I started becoming worried I took too much, having such strong effects so soon, I knew the effects would only get stronger as I was still a good 2 hours away from peak. Usually I am a slow responder often drugs taking 45mins to 1.5 hours to have an effect. I thus became paranoid my weight scale malfunctioned and took too much, I hadn’t wanted such a powerful trip.
Within 45 minutes I was fully incapacitated physically and and at a level 4. By 1.5 hours I was at a full level 5 having lost all touch with physical reality. For the first 2 hours of the trip I was in a state of anxiety and was yawning uncontrollably every few seconds. My gf became rather concerned about me, My legs were also twitching uncontrollably and I was experiencing extreme nervous system activation and anxiety.
Despite this the drug felt super smooth compared to mushrooms. I find mushrooms have a more abrasive quality where I experience buzzing and as I enter the alternate reality it’s more jarring. Fractals are more square and brash where as with the 4-AcO-DMT the fractals had more of a smooth flowing like quality.
The dose was way nearly too much for me to handle and it took considerable emotional will power to keep myself together. My body was also very uncomfortable in ways I can’t really describe. I was sitting at first and after a while lay down and opened my body up helped me feel more relaxed, I felt more powerful and less closed off.
There is this very specific emotion that washes over me when I begin entering this tryptamine realm. It seems overly familiar to me like it’s the home that I came from and that I am going back to. I really, REALLY do not like this feeling and try to shut it out. It feels like I am very alone in my own world. The thing is at that point the entire world is me, everything is me. I am god, but this is extremely disconcerting to me. I get a similar creepy feeling watching claymation films. It feels like I am in a fractal claymation like world. I actually can’t watch claymation films or anything in a similar style like rotoscoping in the film Waking Life. Also Monet style painting stresses me out for the same reason.
This is reminiscent of my dreams where everything is blurry and I can’t distinguish one thing from another because they all blend together. It’s like all objectivity went out the window.
Another good analogue to my trip is the game Minecraft. That is another game that totally creeps me out and I can’t even watch my brother play. It seems like the whole universe is made of these fractal self-similar technicolor cubes. I have insane difficulty appreciating how something may be made up of these blocks because it’s JUST fucking blocks. I can’t for the life of me figure out why this bothers me so incredibly much. I feel like there is just a genuine lack of novelty and somehow this fact is super depressing. It makes me never want to take a tryptamine drug again.
As soon as those feelings came on it reminded me why I despise the psychedelic universe so much. And I ask myself why would I come back here, and then try to promise myself I will never take a tryptamine drug again. I knew I would come out of that feeling even in the trip, but the fact it existed and a part of me is there and I am composed of it really made me feel disconcerted. I really didn’t like what I was made up of. There is this overwhelming feeling that I am all that is, and everything is made up of me. Physical reality is a clever illusion. I take comfort in physical reality, in it’s seeming separations, the external reference points. To have that stripped away is an incredibly painful realization and one I don’t enjoy.
There is this creepy uniformity to everything, as in everything is made up of one thing, and we trick ourselves into thinking there is novelty. As I sit here writing about that feeling I can’t reproduce it or even accurately remember it. It seems my conscious mind blocks it out.
Everything has this uniformity to it, it feels like a circus, like the universe is a circus and it’s all a ride that just goes round and round. Circuses’ have this real creepy vibe to them, and I have always been scared of clowns. Clowns have this phony like smile that seems to cover up the depressed life of the person behind the mask. This is what my trip feels like, I become this feeling where I am god/universe trying to amuse myself with myself but it’s totally unsatisfying, but I don’t know what else to do so I just keep trying over and over again in a universe that doesn’t even have time to begin with. I as god/the universe feel trapped by myself to infinity. It’s worse than hell.
I fear that when I die I will end up in that reality, and this fact really, really bothers me.
Coming out of the trip was such a huge relief. I fall in love with physical reality all over again it just seems so incredibly beautiful, unique and novel compared to where it springs from. In a way I feel like this is the point of the trip. The more present and relaxed I am, the more real I can make it’s uniqueness. Physical reality is so very unlike from where it springs, and this seems to create an incredible divine relief within me. In my trip I feel like I am God trying to figure out a new perspective. I feel an incredible burden and responsibility to quell that god-anxiety about this depressing underlying totally ubiquitous/sameness. Again I feel the universe is novelty driven, it has an insatiable lust for novelty to try and separate and distinguish itself from itself. The more we buy into the illusion the better. It wants to get out of it’s mind and experience physical life viscerally and sensationally. The more it can intensify that experience the better and it seeks all possible ways to do just that.
I guess in a sense this could be considered the primordial ego drive. It’s this drive to create something new outside of yourself and within yourself. I feel like I am god trying to become something entirely new and different because the old self is so very boring and already experienced too many countless times.
In my trip there was a progression that would then cycle. I was these fractals which then created my physical reality and my physical body all so I could take a drug to become fractals again which then after a short while I would be born and would recreate my body and physical reality so i could take the drug. I couldn’t figure out the purpose of this and this repetitive loop I found myself in was driving me mad. It was like I was stuck living the same life over and over again doomed to repeat taking the drug taking me right back where I started and that is all I would ever do. This realization was driving me mad, I craved externality to myself from this cyclic hell I had created with/for myself. I thought of the whole world and universe which seemed somewhat absent in this cycle, but then realized I was all of that too perpetuating the same cycle. Very depressing.
The cycle would bring up many memories throughout my life long forgotten, it played itself out like an end-of-life review and I was the memories as well. It would occur with quite rapid speed and I felt like I could stop it and inject myself into any point of my life timeline from beginning to end and wake up in it. I had difficulty deciding which physical version of myself I wanted to return too. In the end though it didn’t seem to matter because it would all end the same, and then start the same again.
I kept having numerous “aha” moments as I saw the various events in my life connected in these fractal like patterns. It seemed my life was all pre-scripted no matter what I did and I was just running the script with little willpower of my own. This also felt like a self made hell-cycle and was very disconcerting.
One curious memory that came up for me that I experienced viscerally, was as a child I had this intense desire for this G.I.Joe robot exoskeleton mech suit.
As a kid I remember seeing the box it came in and the packaging made it look amazing. My dad went to great lengths to procure it for me and I remember it meant so much to me that he did that.
As the fractals and memories whizzed by there was this strange recurrent theme that was seemingly strung through all the events in my life. And this had to do with the capital letter “R”.
One of my best friends growing up had a name that started with R and also had another R in it. My mother has two R’s in her name as well. My current best sage-friend’s name begins with an R and has another R in it as well. My gf’s last name has two R’s in it, and one R in her middle and alternate last name as well. My previous gf had an r in her first name. My last name also has an R in it. It seemed like “R” was this sacred letter, and it was composed of two vortexes with one coming out like a wave.
Another connection is with the kirtan song HaRe Rama HaRe KRishna. The emphasis on “R” in these repeating cyclic like mantras from the vedic tradition seem to be over-riding powerful archetype in my life. It seems like if it has an “R” its somehow meant/connected to me, and if it has two R’s it’s a bonus! Both my best friend and gf are brown as in from India…go figure. It seems the ancient vedic tradition was tapped into this primordial knowledge of the repeating fractal R.
There was also this strange connection to PiRates and MusketeeRs. The R was a wave but also the archetype taking the shape of a mustache on a smirking face like so:
The face is like two R’s back to back and the eyes are vortexes and the nose is the hard back of the character with the curl stroke being a mustache/lip curled up in a smile.
This made me chuckle several times on the trip. I feel like I have a strong reincarnational connection with pirates and this particular scheming slightly devious personality. This brought about more “aha” moments for me as I realized so many things in my life and my interests are all connected thematically. I kept wanting to tell my gf every new insight I gained, but at the same time I had this voice telling me I would forget and it didn’t matter. It’s like these connections were hidden on purpose so that I wouldn’t remember and be pleasantly surprised every-time it occurred. It’s like I created the entire map for my life ahead of time, and put these things there for the sheer purpose of creating the emotion of surprise and “aha” hilarity.
In that moment though it all felt somewhat futile, this truly wasn’t novelty or surprise merely the clever illusion of it. This bothered me immensely because again it all felt so meaningless and I was just going to “R”epeat the same god-damn life over and over again. It seemed the whole universe was like a gigantic wind-up jack-in-the-box that just mechanically did the same thing over and over again. This was a very depressing realization and somehow I felt perhaps my understanding was perhaps wrong or in error. I felt I had the ultimate perspective on what reality really is because I literally was all of it and there was seemingly no escaping this fact.
The only thing that countered this depression was my inner emotional planes, they seemed to defy the vast nature of what I was perceiving. I was this emotional presence, that seemed somewhat apart from the fractals. I was fully identified with them, but as I went deeper in myself there was mystery. This proved difficult though because I kept getting caught up in my thoughts and exterior environment they manifested themselves in.
One thing I learned is that I have a lot of resistance to relaxation. Perhaps this is one of the most important messages of my trip. I have a compulsion to get carried away by high energy anxiety like feelings. There is a certain thrill to it that’s addictive that sparks my survival system. It paradoxically energizes me but also drains me of my energy physically speaking now.
There was this inner voice telling me to “Relax and go with what feels good”. This was Repeated to me over and over again. Every time I would catch myself on an anxious tangent of a personal anxiety or a universal god self-similar anxiety, I would take myself back to my emotional core and to relax and focus on how good it feels to be Relaxed. This feeling would grow stronger throughout the trip until it finally ended.
I almost always feel like there is no time to relax, that I must do things now, and that relaxation is a form of escapism. This is probably my most serious negative belief that relaxation=escapism. I believe that people who are real are plugged into the fears and anxieties of the world and are trying to do something about it. People going to spas or on relaxing trips, are using physical sensations to run away from inner turmoil.
I actually have anxiety about relaxation, as if in my brain the two mean the same thing. In some sense I feel it is better to be anxious and embody that than it is to be relaxed and suppressing anxiety. I am not a 100% sure what exactly a person should do with anxious energy, should I dump it? I feel that it is perhaps impossible, on my trip it sure was because I was everything anyways there was nothing external to dump too. I have been anxious my whole life, I don’t even know what it’s like not to have some underlying anxiety. It has erroneously defined my being for sooooo long.
My trip seemed to be teaching me that it’s ok to have anxiety, but not to get wrapped up in it. Rather to take a step back and in and wrap the anxiety up for the time being and focus on the greater gestalt of my being and building relaxation. It is almost like I could take anxiety wrap it up and build relaxation out of it.
This is a major perspective change/shift for me. Wrapping it up instead of being wrapped up in it. This is a very critical distinction.
On my trip the anxiety memories formed these long fractal like tubes. I could go into the tube like going into a portal, or I could take the tube lay it down beside other tubes inside myself lengthwise inside my chest and build a flat structure that seemed like a chest board.
It felt like I was doing this energetically in myself and it felt REALLY good.
It is only when I am securely grounded in that relaxation that I can perhaps unwrap a tiny portion of that anxiety in one of the tubes and release it/ or even soothe it.
This feeling of soothing anxiety of calming it i think is important. It’s a way to control it, acknowledge it but not give it all the power. This way it’s not like your repressing it or stuffing it/ which is a great fear of mine.
My gf has recommended that I smoke weed in order to learn how to relax. The thought of smoking weed brings up an inner revulsion and makes me cringe. In my mind I have associated weed with stoners and that like alcoholics they abuse substances to escape their inner emotional reality. This is the last thing I want to do.
What I want to learn is emotional relaxation, not physical relaxation. I somehow have those two concepts divorced in my mind because of the aforementioned stoners/alcoholics.
However I need to unite those two and learn that I can somatically affect my emotions, and that is not necessarily a one way street. I mean it’s actually difficult to really become in tune with your deeper inner self and emotions if you are NOT relaxed.
Thus I will smoke some weed and use it as an opportunity to learn to relax my emotions and my body simultaneously.
I need to rewire myself and learn that I have the most abundant energy physically when I am relaxed physically and emotionally and not wound up like a spring. This has a lot to do with dampening my smothering like excitement as well.
I can run excited emotions through a vortex, and constrain it into tubes so I have more relaxed control over the energy. I can then stack and lay them out and zoom out so the anxieties seem like merely small portions of my greater emotional being.
In greater metaphysical terms I learned perhaps the most important lesson. Caroly Myss says we come here to learn how to manage power. And I think I know how this works now.
We all come into this world activated. We all have triggers that elicit emotional activation of one kind or another fears, insecurities, anger, disgust, etc.
What we are here to learn how to do is to learn how to soothe that emotional activation to a state of relaxation. Doing it with tubes appears to be how nature does it. There is infinite pscyho-emotional energy in the universe and thus in ourselves and therefore the trick is to learn how to constrain that powerful torrent of energy so it’s not exploding out in all directions dragging you along kicking and screaming like a torrential river.
I realized that tangible creation with any degree of consistency is only possible from a relaxed state. Being god on my trip I was terrified I would not make it back to the physical reality I enjoyed so much. I realized that it was only through relaxation that I could make the reality into something that had coherence. Creation is more an act of coherence of bringing together than anything else. And this is best done in a soothing relaxing manner.
Many dreams I have had I feel like I am driving to fast and out of control, much like white water rafting where I am willy-nilly swept along by repressed and un-soothed emotions.
We “graduate” once we learn how to relax the emotional energy inside of ourselves and feel relaxed in the very core of our being. Our success is gauged by things that normally would trigger you, all of the sudden have no effect on you. You feel peaceful inside no mater what is happening in your surroundings and then when you want to feel an intense emotion you do it consciously and with full control with the ability to change back to a relaxed state at a near moment’s notice.
It’s impossible to truly feel relaxed without being completely present. This is another good gauge as to the degree of your relaxation. Once you tap into that feeling of how relaxed you are you can ask how present you are and how much of physical reality are you taking in at that moment in a serene kind of way. How deep is your breathing, how far does it go down your abdomen? This is another good measure. How happy and joyful do you feel with your own vital relaxed energy? Another good emotional check.
The trickiest thing for me is being like this around other people. I have a nasty habit of projecting into other peoples worlds and being swept in their emotions. What I try to do now, is when I see other people that illicit a strong automatic emotional response from me, to use that as a cue to center in my own relaxed soothed self.
The next advanced step is to then be able to fully observe and appreciate the other person while maintaining your own center. To see them for who they truly are. The reason this is advanced is that it’s really hard to do this because we are so used to automatically analyzing people and their behaviors in our head. So this is about stopping the analytic mind and engaging our connection with our own relaxed powerful self.
Often I feel like other people are more powerful than me, like I can’t manage their energy so i dissociate and am forced to connect with people through mental abstractions. This also comes from a feeling of inability to control my own power. So thus I need to learn how to feel good about being powerful, to soothe that inner power so it’s managed and mostly serene like the ocean.
Once this is mastered you will be able to connect to other people in a more deep and meaningful way. The only way you can connect deeply with others, is by being deeply connected to your inner relaxed super powerful self, and from there look and observe/connect with another.
This is incredibly rewarding, because it’s one master creator meeting another master creator. A god meeting a god. It’s about reconnecting through creation from a new greater/novel perspective. The universe seeks separation but also connection and this is somewhat of a divine paradox.