The myth of the external saviour

“Addictions are always about trying to complete yourself from the outside, even temporarily. Now unfortunately every time you do that you also wound yourself. What you are really saying to yourself is “I’m not enough”. Further reinforcing your worthlessness.” ~ Gabor Mate

Which is pretty much a page out of the Christian narrative. In Christianity every human being is born in sin, incomplete, flawed, broken un-whole. Their salvation is found externally in Christ/God. This reinforces the concept the self is “not enough”.

Even many atheists buy into this kind of paradigm under Freudian psychology which posits that the base nature of man is not nice, but beastly and “evil” and needs to be constrained by the mind.

The entire western narrative needs to be changed to one where the self is worthy, great, powerful & inherently good. This is what many psychedelic drugs teach people. You are your own savior, once people realize this religion becomes unnecessary.

 

Good things ideally are not earned, they come implicitly

I was having a recent discussion with my gf on this subject.

We live in a society that values work, and that considers life hard, a battle or a challenge. From that value system arises the beliefs that a person should earn their way through life.

And by this I mean thing such as:

  • Earn money (the obvious one)
  • Earn Respect
  • Earn Love
  • Earn affection
  • Earn admiration
  • Earn safety
  • Earn relaxation

The underlying belief then is that there are things a person must “DO” in order to get said things, and that it requires “effort” of some kind. The greater the reward the more “effort” required. I challenge this notion and think it is completely ass-backwards.

What is interesting is how earning is conceptually linked to feelings of ownership. Let’s say you work really hard for a fancy car, you may feel you deserve that car that you are entitled to it. The fallacy and the house made of the deck of cards is that you don’t anything at all ever. You don’t own people, and you don’t own anything material or immaterial. Nothing is permanently attached to you. People may try to own things out of insecurity but all things can be taken away from you at a moments notice so it’s easy to see how the propriety of ownership is a complete illusion. And if ownership is an illusion, than the effort put in to acquiring ownership is also a false construct.

This leads well into something known as entitlement bias. People who get a spontaneous raise will feel they deserve it regardless if there was no actual rational  merit to it and look for confirmation bias to justify their position. The fact entitlement bias is even a phenomenon to begin with tells you something is amiss. The need to justify abundance or wealth even when it is not earned shows you how pervasive the underlying belief in scarcity is. Thus when people earn something they feel doubly justified. Scarcity is a feeling an insecurity and when “earning” things to compensate for it is used it leads to a illusionary and false solution.

Justification is nearly always bad. It means you are trying to defend something or your self. Justification in this context implies that abundance sometimes is not justified and that there must be reasons for it as such as hard earned work. People who feel the need to justify are not secure within themselves or their abundance. It signifies a lack mentality. And lack attracts more lack.

The way to change this is to move to a mental framework where abundance is implicitly a given. No justification is necessary no feelings of entitlement at the expense of anything else are necessary either. It works from the assumption that in an infinite universe there is infinite abundance and that is the natural order of things. There is no need to even contemplate lack. Feeling goodness and seeing goodness thrive and assisting and nurturing it is the way forward to actualizing that infinite abundance.

Seth states the following:

“The feeling of effortlessness is what is important.”

“In the inner world, your desires bring about their own fulfillment, effortlessly. That inner world, and the exterior one, intersect and interweave. They only appear separate.”

Ever see people who seemingly have life so easy. They just naturally somehow have wealth, health and friends. Does that make you jealous, envious, perhaps upset that someone else gets the things so easily when you seemingly have to work so hard to get a mere portion?

This is what I am getting at, and this is what I realized on my most recent entheogen trip. Reality is ultimately best created from a state of relaxation. An intense type of relaxation has the most creative and cohering power. All That Is/the universe creates easily it is it’s birthright, it is it’s implicit nature. Does the universe feel challenged and that it needs to put hard work in order to create reality!? No that’s absurd, and therefore since you are a portion of the same universe it would be absurd for you to think that way as well.

Desire fulfillment occurs quickest when there is a playful emotional ease about it. If you are stressed working hard trying to fulfill a desire you are doing something wrong. Deep emotional relaxation is paramount to effective attraction and creation.

Mastery in this physical plane comes when great things happen just because. They are not earned, they are freely given/created by you.

On my last trip I had this impression that “I took care of myself”. I had no reason to stress about anything, because it was all taken care of, and that if I would just relax, I could tap into my own abundance that is already there. No earning or hard effort/work required.

If you feel that money, respect or love is something that needs to be earned, then when you get those things it will feel anti-climactic. The concept that hard work = desrvedness, eschews the inherent abundance of the universe.  It presupposes a condition of lack which is perhaps the greatest illusion of all. It goes under the framework that there are holes inside that need to be filled.

The precondition IS abundance, When great things happen to you it’s because that is just the normal natural order of things. Feel that the next time a desire is fulfilled. When good things happen it is meant to be like that, it was meant to be easy. Nurture that feeling of effortlessness. It is your most powerful attractor, creator and the best way to fulfilling all of your desires.

Trip Report #7 – 4-AcO-DMT Fumarate

Substance: 4-AcO-DMT Fumarate 18mg diluted in water

When: March 5th, 2014

Time: 2:00pm

Participants: my gf as sitter, myself

Location: My place

The come up for this trip was super quick. I started feeling effects within 10 minutes of consumption. And it came on very strong. I started becoming worried I took too much, having such strong effects so soon, I knew the effects would only get stronger as I was still a good 2 hours away from peak. Usually I am a slow responder often drugs taking 45mins to 1.5 hours to have an effect. I thus became paranoid my weight scale malfunctioned and took too much, I hadn’t wanted such a powerful trip.

Within 45 minutes I was fully incapacitated physically and and at a level 4. By 1.5 hours I was at a full level 5 having lost all touch with physical reality. For the first 2 hours of the trip I was in a state of anxiety and was yawning uncontrollably every few seconds. My gf became rather concerned about me, My legs were also twitching uncontrollably and I was experiencing extreme nervous system activation and anxiety.

Despite this the drug felt super smooth compared to mushrooms. I find mushrooms have a more abrasive quality where I experience buzzing and as I enter the alternate reality it’s more jarring. Fractals are more square and brash where as with the 4-AcO-DMT the fractals had more of a smooth flowing like quality.

The dose was way nearly too much for me to handle and it took considerable emotional will power to keep myself together. My body was also very uncomfortable in ways I can’t really describe. I was sitting at first and after a while lay down and opened my body up helped me feel more relaxed, I felt more powerful and less closed off.

There is this very specific emotion that washes over me when I begin entering this tryptamine realm. It seems overly familiar to me like it’s the home that I came from and that I am going back to. I really, REALLY do not like this feeling and try to shut it out. It feels like I am very alone in my own world. The thing is at that point the entire world is me, everything is me. I am god, but this is extremely disconcerting to me. I get a similar creepy feeling watching claymation films. It feels like I am in a fractal claymation like world. I actually can’t watch claymation films or anything in a similar style like rotoscoping in the film Waking Life. Also Monet style painting stresses me out for the same reason.

This is reminiscent of my dreams where everything is blurry and I can’t distinguish one thing from another because they all blend together. It’s like all objectivity went out the window.

Another good analogue to my trip is the game Minecraft. That is another game that totally creeps me out and I can’t even watch my brother play. It seems like the whole universe is made of these fractal self-similar technicolor cubes. I have insane difficulty appreciating how something may be made up of these blocks because it’s JUST fucking blocks. I can’t for the life of me figure out why this bothers me so incredibly much. I feel like there is just a genuine lack of novelty and somehow this fact is super depressing. It makes me never want to take a tryptamine drug again.

As soon as those feelings came on it reminded me why I despise the psychedelic universe so much. And I ask myself why would I come back here, and then try to promise myself I will never take a tryptamine drug again.  I knew I would come out of that feeling even in the trip, but the fact it existed and a part of me is there and I am composed of it really made me feel disconcerted. I really didn’t like what I was made up of. There is this overwhelming feeling that I am all that is, and everything is made up of me. Physical reality is a clever illusion. I take comfort in physical reality, in it’s seeming separations, the external reference points. To have that stripped away is an incredibly painful realization and one I don’t enjoy.

There is this creepy uniformity to everything, as in everything is made up of one thing, and we trick ourselves into thinking there is novelty. As I sit here writing about that feeling I can’t reproduce it or even accurately remember it. It seems my conscious mind blocks it out.

Everything has this uniformity to it, it feels like a circus, like the universe is a circus and it’s all a ride that just goes round and round. Circuses’ have this real creepy vibe to them, and I have always been scared of clowns. Clowns have this phony like smile that seems to cover up the depressed life of the person behind the mask. This is what my trip feels like, I become this feeling where I am god/universe trying to amuse myself with myself but it’s totally unsatisfying, but I don’t know what else to do so I just keep trying over and over again in a universe that doesn’t even have time to begin with. I as god/the universe feel trapped by myself to infinity. It’s worse than hell.

I fear that when I die I will end up in that reality, and this fact really, really bothers me.

Coming out of the trip was such a huge relief. I fall in love with physical reality all over again it just seems so incredibly beautiful, unique and novel compared to where it springs from. In a way I feel like this is the point of the trip. The more present and relaxed I am, the more real I can make it’s uniqueness. Physical reality is so very unlike from where it springs, and this seems to create an incredible divine relief within me. In my trip I feel like I am God trying to figure out a new perspective. I feel an incredible burden and responsibility to quell that god-anxiety about this depressing underlying totally ubiquitous/sameness. Again I feel the universe is novelty driven, it has an insatiable lust for novelty to try and separate and distinguish itself from itself. The more we buy into the illusion the better. It wants to get out of it’s mind and experience physical life viscerally and sensationally. The more it can intensify that experience the better and it seeks all possible ways to do just that.

I guess in a sense this could be considered the primordial ego drive. It’s this drive to create something new outside of yourself and within yourself. I feel like I am god trying to become something entirely new and different because the old self is so very boring and already experienced too many countless times.

In my trip there was a progression that would then cycle. I was these fractals which then created my physical reality and my physical body all so I could take a drug to become fractals again which then after a short while I would be born and would recreate my body and physical reality so i could take the drug. I couldn’t figure out the purpose of this and this repetitive loop I found myself in was driving me mad. It was like I was stuck living the same life over and over again doomed to repeat taking the drug taking me right back where I started and that is all I would ever do. This realization was driving me mad, I craved externality to myself from this cyclic hell I had created with/for myself. I thought of the whole world and universe which seemed somewhat absent in this cycle, but then realized I was all of that too perpetuating the same cycle. Very depressing.

The cycle would bring up many memories throughout my life long forgotten, it played itself out like an end-of-life review and I was the memories as well. It would occur with quite rapid speed and I felt like I could stop it and inject myself into any point of my life timeline from beginning to end and wake up in it. I had difficulty deciding which physical version of myself I wanted to return too. In the end though it didn’t seem to matter because it would all end the same, and then start the same again.

I kept having numerous “aha” moments as I saw the various events in my life connected in these fractal like patterns. It seemed my life was all pre-scripted  no matter what I did and I was just running the script with little willpower of my own. This also felt like a self made hell-cycle and was very disconcerting.

One curious memory that came up for me that I experienced viscerally, was as a child I had this intense desire for this G.I.Joe robot exoskeleton mech suit.

gi joe mech

As a kid I remember seeing the box it came in and the packaging made it look amazing. My dad went to great lengths to procure it for me and I remember it meant so much to me that he did that.

As the fractals and memories whizzed by there was this strange recurrent theme that was seemingly strung through all the events in my life. And this had to do with the capital letter “R”.

Francesco_Torniello_da_Novara_Letter_R_1517

One of my best friends growing up had a name that started with R and also had another R in it. My mother has two R’s in her name as well. My current best sage-friend’s name begins with an R and has another R in it as well. My gf’s last name has two R’s in it, and one R in her middle and alternate last name as well. My previous gf had an r in her first name. My last name also has an R in it. It seemed like “R” was this sacred letter, and it was composed of two vortexes with one coming out like a wave.

Another connection is with the kirtan song HaRe Rama HaRe KRishna. The emphasis on “R” in these repeating cyclic like mantras from the vedic tradition seem to be over-riding powerful archetype in my life. It seems like if it has an “R” its somehow meant/connected to me, and if it has two R’s it’s a bonus! Both my best friend and gf are brown as in from India…go figure. It seems the ancient vedic tradition was tapped into this primordial knowledge of the repeating fractal R.

There was also this strange connection to PiRates and MusketeeRs. The R was a wave but also the archetype taking the shape of a mustache on a smirking face like so:

v-for-vendetta-mask

The face is like two R’s back to back and the eyes are vortexes and the nose is the hard back of the character with the curl stroke being a mustache/lip curled up in a smile.

This made me chuckle several times on the trip. I feel like I have a strong reincarnational connection with pirates and this particular scheming slightly devious personality.  This brought about more “aha” moments for me as I realized so many things in my life and my interests are all connected thematically. I kept wanting to tell my gf every new insight I gained, but at the same time I had this voice telling me I would forget and it didn’t matter. It’s like these connections were hidden on purpose so that I wouldn’t remember and be pleasantly surprised every-time it occurred. It’s like I created the entire map for my life ahead of time, and put these things there for the sheer purpose of creating the emotion of surprise and “aha” hilarity.

In that moment though it all felt somewhat futile, this truly wasn’t novelty or surprise merely the clever illusion of it. This bothered me immensely because again it all felt so meaningless and I was just going to “R”epeat the same god-damn life over and over again.  It seemed the whole universe was like a gigantic wind-up jack-in-the-box that just mechanically did the same thing over and over again. This was a very depressing realization and somehow I felt perhaps my understanding was perhaps wrong or in error. I felt I had the ultimate perspective on what reality really is because I literally was all of it and there was seemingly no escaping this fact.

The only thing that countered this depression was my inner emotional planes, they seemed to defy the vast nature of what I was perceiving. I was this emotional presence, that seemed somewhat apart from the fractals. I was fully identified with them, but as I went deeper in myself there was mystery.  This proved difficult though because I kept getting caught up in my thoughts and exterior environment they manifested themselves in.

One thing I learned is that I have a lot of resistance to relaxation. Perhaps this is one of the most important messages of my trip. I have a compulsion to get carried away by high energy anxiety like feelings. There is a certain thrill to it that’s addictive that sparks my survival system. It paradoxically energizes me but also drains me of my energy physically speaking now.

There was this inner voice telling me to “Relax and go with what feels good”. This was Repeated to me over and over again. Every time I would catch myself on an anxious tangent of a personal anxiety or a universal god self-similar anxiety, I would take myself back to my emotional core and to relax and focus on how good it feels to be Relaxed. This feeling would grow stronger throughout the trip until it finally ended.

I almost always feel like there is no time to relax, that I must do things now, and that relaxation is a form of escapism. This is probably my most serious negative belief that relaxation=escapism. I believe that people who are real are plugged into the fears and anxieties of the world and are trying to do something about it. People going to spas or on relaxing trips, are using physical sensations to run away from inner turmoil.

I actually have anxiety about relaxation, as if in my brain the two mean the same thing. In some sense I feel it is better to be anxious and embody that than it is to be relaxed and suppressing anxiety. I am not a 100% sure what exactly a person should do with anxious energy, should I dump it? I feel that it is perhaps impossible, on my trip it sure was because I was everything anyways there was nothing external to dump too. I have been anxious my whole life, I don’t even know what it’s like not to have some underlying anxiety. It has erroneously defined my being for sooooo long.

My trip seemed to be teaching me that it’s ok to have anxiety, but not to get wrapped up in it. Rather to take a step back and in and wrap the anxiety up for the time being and focus on the greater gestalt of my being and building relaxation. It is almost like I could take anxiety wrap it up and build relaxation out of it.

This is a major perspective change/shift for me. Wrapping it up instead of being wrapped up in it. This is a very critical distinction.

On my trip the anxiety memories formed these long fractal like tubes. I could go into the tube like going into a portal, or I could take the tube lay it down beside other tubes inside myself lengthwise inside my chest and build a flat structure that seemed like a chest board.

It felt like I was doing this energetically in myself and it felt REALLY good.

pipes layers

It is only when I am securely grounded in that relaxation that I can perhaps unwrap a tiny portion of that anxiety in one of the tubes and release it/ or even soothe it.

This feeling of soothing anxiety of calming it i think is important. It’s a way to control it, acknowledge it but not give it all the power. This way it’s not like your repressing it or stuffing it/ which is a great fear of mine.

My gf has recommended that I smoke weed in order to learn how to relax. The thought of smoking weed brings up an inner revulsion and makes me cringe. In my mind I have associated weed with stoners and that like alcoholics they abuse substances to escape their inner emotional reality.  This is the last thing I want to do.

What I want to learn is emotional relaxation, not physical relaxation. I somehow have those two concepts divorced in my mind because of the aforementioned stoners/alcoholics.

However I need to unite those two and learn that I can somatically affect my emotions, and that is not necessarily a one way street. I mean it’s actually difficult to really become in tune with your deeper inner self and emotions if you are NOT relaxed.

Thus I will smoke some weed and use it as an opportunity to learn to relax my emotions and my body simultaneously.

I need to rewire myself and learn that I have the most abundant energy physically when I am relaxed physically and emotionally and not wound up like a spring. This has a lot to do with dampening my smothering like excitement as well.

I can run excited emotions through a vortex, and constrain it into tubes so I have more relaxed control over the energy. I can then stack and lay them out and zoom out so the anxieties seem like merely small portions of my greater emotional being.

In greater metaphysical terms I learned perhaps the most important lesson. Caroly Myss says we come here to learn how to manage power. And I think I know how this works now.

We all come into this world activated. We all have triggers that elicit emotional activation of one kind or another fears, insecurities, anger, disgust, etc.

What we are here to learn how to do is to learn how to soothe that emotional activation to a state of relaxation. Doing it with tubes appears to be how nature does it. There is infinite pscyho-emotional energy in the universe and thus in ourselves and therefore the trick is to learn how to constrain that powerful torrent of energy so it’s not exploding out in all directions dragging you along kicking and screaming like a torrential river.

I realized that tangible creation with any degree of consistency is only possible from a relaxed state. Being god on my trip I was terrified I would not make it back to the physical reality I enjoyed so much. I realized that it was only through relaxation that I could make the reality into something that had coherence. Creation is more an act of coherence of bringing together than anything else. And this is best done in a soothing relaxing manner.

Many dreams I have had I feel like I am driving to fast and out of control, much like white water rafting where I am willy-nilly swept along by repressed and un-soothed emotions.

We “graduate” once we learn how to relax the emotional energy inside of ourselves and feel relaxed in the very core of our being. Our success is gauged by things that normally would trigger you, all of the sudden have no effect on you. You feel peaceful inside no mater what is happening in your surroundings and then when you want to feel an intense emotion you do it consciously and with full control with the ability to change back to a relaxed state at a near moment’s notice.

It’s impossible to truly feel relaxed without being completely present. This is another good gauge as to the degree of your relaxation. Once you tap into that feeling of how relaxed you are you can ask how present you are and how much of physical reality are you taking in at that moment in a serene kind of way. How deep is your breathing, how far does it go down your abdomen? This is another good measure. How happy and joyful do you feel with your own vital relaxed energy? Another good emotional check.

The trickiest thing for me is being like this around other people. I have a nasty habit of projecting into other peoples worlds and being swept in their emotions. What I try to do now, is when I see other people that illicit a strong automatic emotional response from me, to use that as a cue to center in my own relaxed soothed self.

The next advanced step is to then be able to fully observe and appreciate the other person while maintaining your own center.  To see them for who they truly are. The reason this is advanced is that it’s really hard to do this because we are so used to automatically analyzing people and their behaviors in our head. So this is about stopping the analytic mind and engaging our connection with our own relaxed powerful self.

Often I feel like other people are more powerful than me, like I can’t manage their energy so i dissociate and am forced to connect with people through mental abstractions. This also comes from a feeling of inability to control my own power. So thus I need to learn how to feel good about being powerful, to soothe that inner power so it’s managed and mostly serene like the ocean.

Once this is mastered you will be able to connect to other people in a more deep and meaningful way. The only way you can connect deeply with others, is by being deeply connected to your inner relaxed super powerful self, and from there look and observe/connect with another.

This is incredibly rewarding, because it’s one master creator meeting another master creator. A god meeting a god. It’s about reconnecting through creation from a new greater/novel perspective. The universe seeks separation but also connection and this is somewhat of a divine paradox.

Why is the fridge so important?

Last night I had a dream I was arriving at school first day. I had dragged in a large stainless steel fridge from my home with me that I set up right next to my locker. This way I could store all the necessary food I needed.

As I looked through the fridge I realized I had accidentally also taken all the food from home with it, including numerous large dishes that my gf had made. Instantly I became overwhelmed and stressed about trying to bring all this food I didn’t need back home to my gf. There was just no way I could carry it all. I became very flustered. Why couldn’t she have put it all into sealed containers, so I could stack them and carry them. Instead they were all open.

It dawned on me then that I didn’t have a fridge at home now, and I needed one there as well. Also I didn’t want other people using my fridge sticking their own food into it, quickly it wouldn’t even be “my” fridge. So I reneged on my decision and decided I needed to take the fridge back home. But this was going to be a lot more difficult for some reason. It’s as if it were heavier, So I decided to break the fridge into parts. However it was a long trip back to my vehicle and I wasn’t sure if I could fit all into my car, where as before I had brought it with a truck. More stress and anxiety.

The school then turned into this new age-hipster LA party scene. My sage-friend wanted to give me his pet lizard and his large aquarium cage, I really didn’t have room now and became even more stressed. Then I also realized the kitchen at the party took my fridge. I went to go get it back. But now the trip back to my car was even longer creating more anxiety. Me and my gf were carting parts, and then I couldn’t remember where I had left the car….my mobility. Now I was really stressed and anxious, desperately searching for my car and dragging these cumbersome and heavy fridge parts.

——–Analysis———

The fridge is a symbol of my body and the food inside the fridge is a symbol of individual emotions.

The unwrapped food dishes are symbolic of my emotional over-openness. Putting the fridge in a public place, is symbolic of how I am too open and take/consume other peoples emotions and it becomes too much for me to handle.

The fridge containing more stuff than I carry is also symbolic of how I carry and hold on to too many open-ended emotions often also other peoples.

The heavy fridge perhaps symbolizes how I feel my body is too heavy for my spirit to carry, symbolizing the chronic fatigue I have felt for most of my life.

The fact the fridge is something that preserves and keeps things cool is also symbolic of my tendency to hold onto feminine energy/emotions.

I am not quite sure what message/lesson I am supposed to take from all of this. I am aware of most of these issues. What I want to know is how to heal from the underlying causes…

In the dream I had very little conscious free will/control, it was more like I was obeying my individual impulse fears and desires and I was on a ride I couldn’t stop, reflect or change my trajectory.

What am I most defensive about?

destructive defensive

This is a tough one for me. And I am not really quite sure I know the answer. But the thing I am perhaps innerly most defensive about is my desire/method to connect with people via excitement or activation. I call it mind enthusiasm.

I feel like my root desires are wrong and the way I go about trying to get connection is wrong yet even knowing that both are wrong I defend them. I don’t know another way. This is a bit abstract for me, and rather cleverly hidden from myself by aspects of myself so it’s difficult to articulate.

I desire group connection above all else. And there is something wrong with this, or at least the motivation behind it. I am operating from an insecurity a state of fundamental fear of loss of connection and fear of being lonely.

Then the way I try to make up for that insecurity/fear is use excitement emotion, to dissociate into my head and use the excitement emotion of the prospect of intimacy to try to get connection.

Last night I had a dream I was trying to get a part on the show “Gossip Girl”. ( a show my gf watches)  I was trying to get in by enthusiasm alone, but that was not good enough. I needed emotional control in order to act, and knew I didn’t have it and thus didn’t deserve the part or the subsequent connection of working with a team to construct a show.

The dude interviewing me for the part was nice at first then turned into a real ass. . He was informing me my intention for wanting be on the show was wrong in the first place. Then I became defensive about my method. This opened up a lot of repressed hurt inside me as my instant compulsion was to defend that very motivation.

The thing is after I didn’t really know what my motivation should be….what was wrong with the desire to connect with people and work together in a meaningful way? I was very frustrated.

This left me feeling bereft and confused, with no clear way forward. Afterwords, I tried finding my car but couldn’t remember where i had left it and spent hours searching for it, my “mobility”. I had maps that wouldn’t work and was trying to use the sound of the horn from pressing my key dongle but could not echo locate for the life of me. Hearing is something I have difficultly with or perhaps listening. And this is why I am fucking lost and anxious without my mobility/energy. I also couldn’t see or read the map either.

There are 3 primary modes of learning or being according to the VAK system.

  • Visual
  • Auditory
  • Kinesthetic

My first two were failing me in terms of navigation. I had completely ignored the third which is by sense of feeling. And this is the problem of  how I navigate relationships with other people and myself. I try to connect with people via my visual/auditory mind rather than my heart/feelings/body. This is part of the reason I crave physical intimacy so much is because I deny it to myself, and feel that someone needs to give it to me instead. As if it is something that is externally sourced and I do not posses in the first place.

I am an amazing navigator when it comes to physical reality, and literally have visual/intuitive maps inside my head. However I am a terrible navigator when it comes to the dream world of emotions. And the flip side of this physically is that I would make a terrible actor. Modern society has an obsession with actors/actresses, and it has been a secret desire of mine to be one for a long time. So much success with so little “logic” work.

The thing is even those who are good at acting, and have seeming emotional “control” are they better for it? With recent suicide death of Philip Seymour Hoffman the obvious answer is no. Actors are not necessarily more developed humans. This confuses me because I feel that if I had those skills I would be amazing.

The thing is I am really good at what they are not, so what we each want is what the other person has. Ultimately it’s a synthesis of emotional and intellectual power.

For me then the path forward is practicing feeling, practicing connecting at a deep emotional level to myself and others. Psychedelic entactogens are a great tool in this regard. So is dreams, and meeting lots of people and observing my emotions in the engagement process.

So I believe my dream taught me an important lesson and gave me the answer to the original question. The answer still feels fuzzy, but I feel at the least I am aware of the areas I need to look….or rather feel. However resolving that inner fear/insecurity though Is probably another matter that I haven’t yet got too appropriately,

The stress feeling of not enough time

Last night I had a dream that had multiple re-occurring elements in it. When an anxious/negative dream repeats itself in such a manner it means there is something I am just not getting and my subconscious/inner/dream self is trying to send me a message in it’s own archetypal way.

In my dream I was at an airport, that reminded me more of a train station. There was two primary levels. I was there waiting for my ex-gf who was coming in on another flight. I had several hours before she arrived, and I had to go to my car in the parkade re-arrange some of my luggage to get ready for the next flight out. I was on the 2nd floor in the waiting lounge, where there were lots of comfy beds placed all over. It was quite nice, I wanted to claim a spot, and decided one next to an elementary school friend of mine (who’s dad was a pastor) would be nice. I asked him if it was reserved and he said yes for his dad and bro, and I didn’t believe him but when I looked up they were there.

Then I found another bed, (there was tons) but no space seemed ideal. I spread my backpacks out on the bed, to try and reserve it, so I could go to my car and exchange the things I needed. I felt very drowsy and had difficult remembering where I was going what time the plane was landing and then felt anxious about not having enough time even though I knew I had several hours.

Time is something I have always had anxiety around. When I was a kid my mom being a stereotypical INFP was always running late, especially for church. My dad being the perfect ISTJ was always ready to leave 20minutes before we had to step out the door. This caused considerable stress on his part and I knew to stay the fuck away from my mom on those morning as she ran around like a chicken with her head cut off trying to look “pretty”.

Later on in life as I got my own car, and had to attend post-secondary school, I always felt like I could never get to the places I wanted fast enough. The need to travel seemed like the biggest inconvenience and waste of time ever. I also had issue of getting to class on time, because I was exhausted from the CFS and my anxious nights, It was always early like 7:30 am icy roads, and rush hour traffic. It would often take me between 45-60 minutes to get to class.

Being at church was another thing I hated because the sermons were boring and negative being of the fire and brimstone kind. I despised sitting there, and watched the clock which makes things go even slower. Another big “waste” of time that caused me a lot of emotional distress.

Being ill with CFS for the last 15 years, I feel like I am running out of time to live the life I want. I also have been unable to support myself financially and feel that I am running out of time before I hit a wall on that front as well. And this time my parents may actually enforce it by cutting me off even though they are rich beyond measure themselves.

So there is a lot of different reasons for my anxiety around time. My gf however informed me that it is also an issue of global nervous system activation. Really it’s a survival type response because when our fight/flight/freeze response is triggered it means imminent danger and if you don’t respond in the proper amount of “time” accordingly you could die!

On thing my therapist had me try to do was imagine I had all the time in the world. He asked me what that would feel like. I had the most difficult time responding because I could scarcely even begin to imagine what that might feel like. That fact should be the biggest red flag ever that I have an epic issue here that needs to be resolved. If there is a positive emotion that I can barely feel in myself or even create temporarily it means there is something drastically wrong.

This is something I have a lot of denial and lack of awareness around. The time -pressure feeling is something that has been so ubiquitous in my life it’s almost a part of my identity and it’s fucking exhausting me.

So every time I feel under pressure or have travel/packing time anxiety I need to become aware and realize that my survival is not under threat. And if it’s not under threat then I should feel relaxed as if in I had all the time in the world.

My gf has a similar issue in that she suffers from impatience with people…mostly herself. So we are matched emotionally vibrationally  in a similar manner.

I think we both may have a false belief that it is STRESS that we need in order to get our ass in gear. I think perhaps most people adhere to that kind of philosophy. This could be one of the worst beliefs affect humanity, because creativity and real problem solving is stifled by the stress/anxiety response.

Many people feel rushed at school, at work, to make money, to meet friends and even through sex. It’s become part of the collective psyche that in order to feel important we need some impending task that needs to be done. Most people don’t feel alive, or rather they feel more alive under pressure of the gun of some kind. Being “under the gun” even implies life or death survival anxiety.

So how do we undue this most damaging belief? I have to start by feeling like I have infinite time and really relaxing into that, It will be a challenge, but the more and different ways and circumstances I can do this the better.

Oh yes, and also energetically/emotionally purging myself of the anxious-time-pressure energy.

Time pressure Now trains tation

The thrill of being chased

Last night I had a dream where I was watching someone being chased, and then got emotionally sucked in, so that I was being chased. It was more for the fun of it in that usually dreams where I am being chased I am in terror and there is a feeling of dread and impending doom.

When I woke up I realized that a part of me enjoys the anxious excitement of being chased. Similar to children playing tag on the playground. The fear of being caught is something that really pumps my adrenals and get’s me into this state of hyper-vigilance. Hyper-vigilance anxiety is a state I naturally tend too. In fact I think I get a bit of a dopamine rush on the over-excitement that leads to feelings of being emotionally overwhelmed and then exhaustion. I feel that this is the emotional root cause of the Chronic Fatigue I have bee suffering for most of my life.

The struggle for me is that this programming is so deeply ingrained I scarcely know how to turn it off. In many cases I don’t even know HOW to relax. It’s something I never really learned as both my parents are anxious-hyper-vigilance as well. Bulgy eyes and raised eye-brows are a sign of this.

I realize now as much as it “excites” me that this is NOT a good baseline state. I feel stuck in a paradoxical conflict between desiring two opposite things. It also feels like if I were to change myself I would be losing part of my identity. So on some levels my ego is really attached to hyper-vigilant over-excitement and my body is neurochemically addicted as well.

I need to explore this further and pay attention somatically to these compulsions and the emotional energy that come with it so that I can become aware and then have the ability to reprogram myself to a new norm of empowered relaxation.

It’s kinda funny I have been struggling with chronic fatigue, and it seems the only way out is to put myself into anxiety provoking states. It seems as if my nervous system has learned that anxiety is a good way to get energy. Anxiety= power & energy

So on one level emotionally I believe this to be innately true. It’s like an addiction where I feel the more I get something the less the problem will be, when in fact the problem gets worse. It’s a type of insanity.

I am not quite sure what the solution is. Becoming aware of and then dumping the anxious-excitement-thrill feelings, and relaxing seems to me the best way forward. Also learning to contain excitement, concentrating and focusing that energy, instead of letting it wash all over me. Learning that relaxation is rejuvenating re-vitalizing and energy creating.

 

 

Synthesis of ENTJ and INFP relationships

Last night I had a very profound dream. I was at a fancy dinner birthday party for Leonardo Dicaprio. Something happened with him and he went on a FarCry3 style shooting rampage killing many of the guests at the party. His girlfriend was injured and dying but somehow had no bullet wounds, and came over to me lying down and putting her head on my chest. She was amazed and in awe at how peaceful the energy was at my heart/chest chakra. She was so happy that she could be near my inner essence and connect with it before and as she was passing from this life.

I had this tremendous feeling of expansion and love as a stabilizing force emanating from  my chest that I became aware of as she did this. Several times in the last few months I have been babysitting my best friends puppy. I would take a nap in the afternoon and she would jump up on the couch and curl up between my heart and solar plexus chakra and go to sleep. She would go to the same place every time feeling safe and secure, much like the girl in my dream.

Often I don’t realize my own power, and it takes others to recognize it in me me before I became aware of it. I felt like my dream was trying to teach me a lesson to tune into this more as my central source of power and connection with myself and others.

Later in the evening myself and Leo started becoming good friends. I was a bit baffled as to why he would want to be friends with me but he had this vibe similar to an INFP friend of mine where there is the unspoken mutual admiration of who each other are at a deep level. This always surprises me and many times I’m not exactly aware of it. Growing up I never really had anyone that admired or appreciated me for who I am in this way.

Enter INFPs. My best friend and girlfriend are INFPs and many of my other friends are INFPs as well. Just being around INFPs it feels like there is this mutual understanding that occurs at an emotional level. INFPs appreciate me for my practical intellectual iNtuitive self. And I appreciate them for their robust emotional idealism.

In the Seth Material, Seth often makes the recommendation that humans should strive to be like the “Practical-Idealist”. I feel that the ENTJ-INFP relationship dynamic is something that fosters that in the ultimate kind of way.

For me the most important lesson and learning from INFPs is being emotionally centered in myself. There is a safety/security a type of stability and practical emotional framework in myself that INFPs desire. I have to recognize and nurture my own strength and use that as my healthy attractor for meaningful relationships.

As a kid my mother appreciated me for my cognitive intellect and this is something I learned to take pride in and build up my self-esteem and self-worth around. Then for most of my life I have used that as a template to form connections and relationships with people on this superficial ego-type level.

The most important aspect in connection and relationships is not so much what you say/think, but rather how you feel and where those emotions are coming from. With some people in some friendships, silence is awkward. But when both people tune in to their emotions, there is a level of appreciation and communication that transcends the mind/ego. A deeper more meaningful connection is forged.

The Samurai Game – review from a Daimyo

I recently had the opportunity to participate in The Samurai Game developed by George Leonard. The following are some of my thoughts as the respective leader (Daimyo in Japanese) of my team.

*Spoiler alert.* Minor details of the game will be discussed. Every game will operate in likely vastly different ways depending on the facilitator. Thus reading this is unlikely to give you any advanced competitive knowledge.

Being picked as a leader was a rather surreal moment for me. It is done non-verbally and is done through an eventual consensus like process where everyone must look and face the person they would wish to lead. Only one person can be chosen. Having nearly 20 people all silently starting at me felt somewhat like this perhaps:

picked as leader game of thronesMy greatest lesson learned as the Daimyo is that I need to articulate precisely how it is that I wish to lead and what the expectations of my team is. Due to the way the samurai system was framed beforehand, many people thought I should rule single-handedly with no input from them. Some people thought of themselves as pawns, and that I was the master chess player. This is NOT how I like to lead. Ultimately I do like to make all the final decisions however I want feedback and opinions and ideas all the way there. I see my role as a leader more as an ultimate decision maker, not all knowing micro-managing god.

On the other hand some of the very outspoken women on my team, just begin throwing suggestions and ideas in, and I very much appreciate when people take a participatory role in helping things out. I very much dislike micromanaging so the auto self-delegation was nice.

The responsibility of leading I find stressful in some regards, and I got to explore what that is like. I am scared of being wrong, and most of all terrified of hurting peoples feelings. This is a big one for me and one I am going to have to get over.

Also I realized I feel most comfortable leading when I understand all the variables very well, and have time to think and make decisions. In the Samurai game very little information is given about what to expect in terms of battles so it’s impossible to create a strategy. Much of the battle is up to the individual team members so as a leader I spend most of my time watching.

I realized some people make better leaders in situations where there is a lot of unpredictability and spontaneity. I feel that ESFJs or ESTJs are better suited to those roles. Those kind of leadership roles are more fitting of the “captain/Lieutenant/commander” title. ENTJs really are Field Marshals the ones who have the highest rank and captains report too. In essence I as ENTJ am a better leader of leaders rather than a leader of the bottom ranks in the field on the ground.

Figuring out that distinction was a nice lesson for me. I still need to practice my “captain” leadership more though. When I am in that role I like to lead from the front, but the structure of the game had me leading from behind. I realized I quickly get activated as I try to account for all the variables. This quickly can overwhelm a person and dissociate them. Being relaxed and being ok with making mistakes is a necessity.

The Fates/facilitators tested me hard by being downright rude and challenging me on every little thing, demanding perfection. They were trying to overwhelm me on purpose to see if they could crack me! Not cool, but I saw through their game and didn’t care.

Two rules of the game I found particularly annoying was one you are not allowed to smile and two you are not allowed to look the facilitators (the fates) in the eyes or catch their gaze. Doing either of these things would result in severe consequences of some kind. These rules are in keeping with the overall style of the game adhering loosely to traditional Japanese Samurai honor code. However they also reflect Japanese society at large.

I have always had a love-hate relationship with Japanese culture. I took Japanese in high school and learned to read and write in their two basic alphabets. I have also traveled to Japan to experience their culture first hand visiting the largest feudal castle on the planet and seeing all the major sites. Japan is an incredibly xenophobic and homogeneous society and can be quite racist. Startlingly so. Seeing non-Japanese people walking the streets of Tokyo is a rarity considering many of the other major cities international I have been to in the world.

I have always admired their technical expertise, attention to detail and travelling there is a bit like travelling to the future. Their society on the surface seems Utopian and perfectly run. Everyone is overly polite and courteous. Japanese culture also has strong similarities to my ethnic German heritage in terms of emphasis on reason/intellect and order. As myers-briggs archetypes both cultures are overtly archetypal INTJ and ISTJ. Those archetypes are the cultural standard which everything in therms of value, integrity and honor is measured against.

Which brings me to the things I dislike about Japanese culture. Japanese people as a generalization have a bit of a superiority complex. With honor comes great pride, however a pride based primarily on negating emotions and adherence to order and logic to an extreme. Japanese people publicly display very little emotion, although you can tell behind those faces the repressed emotions are taking their toll on their collective souls. It is unquestionably the most emotionally repressive society on earth. Becoming angry in public is like losing face. It is simply something you just do not do. Unlike in north america public displays of emotion are seen very frequently.

Japanese culture is incredibly hierarchical. The flip side of honor is shame, and those two always go hand in hand. Shame is feared very strongly. A friend of mine who lives in Japan told me how kids in one grade simply do not make friends with kids in the next grade. It is unacceptable to make friends across even simple differences such as age by a couple of years. Paradoxically in a country jam packed with people, isolation and loneliness are rampant. Talking to strangers is very, very rarely done. Thus people suffer greatly, to the point where Japan has one of the highest suicide rates in the world. Their honor system is killing them….

Back to the game. Leaders are expected to rule their teams with an iron fist. In fact the Fates frame it this way, by giving in the instructions often somewhat ambiguous terms and allowing no room for questions or clarification. This often giving rise to confusion later in the game. There are too many rules for any person to remember 100% which breeds frustration. I believe this is done on purpose.

Being as this game was developed by an american, the Fates acted more like angry temperamental american military commanders than Japanese anything I have ever seen. I even trained in Japanese swordsmanship briefly many years ago and the way the Fates behaved themselves was characteristicly NOT-Japanese in any way. Which royally pissed me off. I have zero respect for that kind of taunting disrespectful behavior.

For a game billed on as principled on honor the Fates acted altogether dis-honorably and on purpose. This hypocrisy among others annoyed me deeply. The examples being set were conflicting.

The honor-shame system does still exist in Japanese society and while it has certain romantic elements to it, it also has serious disadvantages. The recent Fukushima nuclear disaster is a case in point. Japanese society and its organizations are structured in the same way the game is in that you do NOT question authority and do NOT give advice to authority. Leaders rule dictatorially and fear of shame keeps everyone in their place. Needless to say this bodes very poorly for bottom to top lines of communication and feedback, because the flow of information typically only goes one way. From top to bottom.

This can cause fatal mistakes to occur, as is VERY evident in the game. Ideas of honor get wrapped up in this philosophy and all kinds of conflicting viewpoints come to the forefront. Do you act according to personal ideas of honor to self? Do you act of honor to your leader? Or some other imagined abstract ideal? Do you die for the greater good or not? Is family honor greater than society at large?

gattling gun last samurai

The film The Last Samurai was referenced many times throughout the program, and the final battle is one scene that always stuck out in my mind. In it the “last” samurai are mercilessly decimated by machine guns having come with mere swords and horses to do battle. The big question for me always has been; is running fearlessly and suicidally straight into machine gun fire and subsequently dying honorable or just plain stupid?

The biggest dilemma that typically comes up for people in the game was the question of is it honorable to exploit an opponents weakness? Most people would likely say no, they want things to be fair. But when in human history has WAR been about fairness? What about life?

The mixed martial arts systems I personally have trained in took the opposite stance in that they trained me to exploit weakness rather than to fight “fairly”. In my quest to discover the most effective combat systems in the world the Japanese due to their very rigid thought systems which made them predictable in battle was one of the worst out there.

Japanese Karate has got to be one of the least effective combat systems in the world and also the most rigid. Combat is inherently unpredictable so adaptability and creativity may be more important than anything else. Most military systems involve extreme forms of self-discipline which is a double edged sword in that if that kind of linear thinking is carried forward in life/combat/war in general it’s going to fail pretty quickly. There are some great concepts in Aikido, however you don’t see it being used to win MMA tournaments. It is the type of system that only works in highly controlled predictable environments where your opponent only comes at you in one specific way.

So the game enforces linear style samurai thought, and then throws a punch of spontaneous elements at you. It’s a contradiction in terms and the biggest flaw of the game.

Japanese people have proven themselves not to be a very adaptable culture. They progressed really well technologically when it was largely linear logical straight forward progress, but recently have suffered greatly in terms of creative innovation. Samsung now makes the best electronics instead of Sony, and Hyundai makes the best quality cars instead of toyota. Japan is falling behind quickly, they are losing in terms of creative adaptability.

Sometimes I wonder if they even invented many profound things to begin with. It seems they merely improved on outside ideas because nearly all their technology from the combustion engine to the integrated circuit came from the western world. Even their exceptional quality they have a reputation for, was largely fostered and due to a white dude (Demming) going over there after the war and helping them out.

The structure of the samurai game did NOTHING to foster creative adaptability in terms of its philosophical framework. The samurai/Japanese philosophy works against the very process of the game as it still does in their society. It’s a society that at the cultural level is exceptionally resistant to change.

This was my experience in the Samurai game and actual independent samurai combat training. The general samurai philosophy is one that is counter-productive to nurturing creativity.

It is why the Fukushima nuclear disaster has no end in sight, and why the countries total debt to gdp ratio is in excess of 500% with complete denial of the public and government at large. Fiscally Japan is about to hit a massive brick wall and almost no one sees it coming. (watch Kyle Bass lecture on it)

One thing I noticed was the Samurai “code of honor” put at the front of the room with its rules had at least two rules that took the form of negations. I don’t remember what they were but an example it would be something like “Do no evil”. Which is a terrible rule, in that in order to not do evil one has to think about what it is to do evil, and then to not do that which one is thinking of. The mind works best when given rules in the positive such as “Do Good”.

In the end my team had the most people standing. The opposing Daimyo was given an opportunity (after having declined seppuku several times) for one last chance to face myself in battle. I had the option of accepting or declining. Accepting meant he could still win, declining I would give up the “highest samurai” honor of the ability to commit seppuku (ritual suicide). I gladly gave up that honor as a gigantic fuck you to the samurai honor system and declined.

After all was said and done many people came up to me and complimented my leadership. However, two ESFJ tank grrrls came up to me to tell me they thought what I did was a dick move. My worst fear of offending someone came true, and in the end I actually felt good about having offended at least some people. As a leader it’s impossible to make everyone happy and the sooner you can learn to realize that and own it the more effective you will be.

Personally I feel the Samurai Game along with Japanese/samurai ideas on honor is a terrible way to foster personal development. The overarching philosophy runs into direct conflict with what the game tries to get people to learn. It will leave people more confused than anything with no clear path forward steeped in old archaic ideas from a culture that has lost context in the fast paced changing modern world.

Thus “winning” in the end felt bittersweet and reminded me of this scene from Indiana Jones – Raiders of the Lost Ark

knife sword gunfight samurai game

Moral of the story…. Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight.

Self betterment is a process of uncovering rather than gaining

Having been interested in personal development for a long time I keep coming upon a concept that I believe desperately needs a re-frame.

It appears that most peoples perspective on self-development is that it is a process of gaining something you didn’t have before. If you were fearful and insecure you gained confidence through self work. Or perhaps if you were sad/depressed you gained joy/happiness or is you had shame you gained honor. Perhaps someone who was amoral acquired integrity.

The fundamental underlying theme is that we are creatures of lack that need to gain or add something to ourselves in order to become better that didn’t exist before. Much like learning a new trait or gaining a new ability or acquiring new knowledge as this is how we generally conceive of the process of betterment and self-improvement.

I feel that this perspective is wholly misleading and fundamentally deceitful. It puts the emphasis on the external and creates the frame that the self is inherently unworthy and needs to gain worth through gaining new attributes.

A more accurate perspective or frame is one that makes the exact opposite assumption.

Souls are inherently confident the problem is that fear and insecurity was added and layered on top of that confidence. Souls are inherently happiness and sadness depression is something that is gained or added. You inherently are honor shame is something that is acquired after the fact. Souls inherently have integrity it is when mal-adapted insecurities occur it can create amorality. Souls are inherent relaxed, it is merely that stress and tension were added.

The process of self-development is fundamentally then a process of uncovering/removing/letting go of “negative” things that were added and tainted the soul so to speak. The soul is inherently worthy on the inside although often we may not feel that way on the outside.

The distinction between what the core is on the inside, versus the ideas beliefs/thoughts/feelings we have of ourselves on the outside is critically important.

Judeo-christianity has really had a profound effect in this regard with the belief that man is inherent evil and flawed. It purports that grace is gained rather than something that is an inherent part of the self. It is not wonder that Darwinism and Freudianism philosophically take the same stance that nature is inherently flawed/selfish/brutish since the latter came out of the former.

To undo the damage of this style of thinking will require a paradigm shift in terms of how we understand and perceive the process of self development.

Emotionally speaking it would be analogous to wiping the mud off or energetically letting go of attachments to “negative” emotions. A process of uncovering the diamond and realizing your own inherent self worth.

The struggle is that the inherent goodness is buried quite deep in most people. In fact few are even consciously aware that it it exists deep within themselves because there is so much nasty stuff in the way that scares most people off. It is like we have to go through Dante’s hell followed by going up purgatory (from purging) mountain to get to heaven.

Purging is a good word and often those taking ayahuasca feel the vomiting helps facilitate emotional purging. Personally I find purging/dumping from the center of my being or the lower Dantien very effective.

Three-Dantiens

This is why the process of moving through negative/painful/unpleasant emotions is so important. It is only by going through them and getting to the roots that we can let them go.

The idea of “dumping” just like our body removes waste is incredibly important. Move through and than release so the inner light can come out.

Connecting and then nurturing those deeper feelings of self-worth and love are the next critically important step.

In summary the transformational process goes like this:

  1. Become aware of negative emotions as sensation in the body
  2. Move away from thoughts about “negative” emotion the reasons for it, blah, blah, regard it as pure energy instead
  3. Move into and through negative emotion to the root most acute part
  4. Then let it melt away, dissolve, dump it or purge
  5. Connect with the inner peace and then nurture and grow it

Nothing new is gained, merely what is, is brought forth from the depths of the inner self.