Tag Archives: Emotion

The Defense mechanism that has a defense mechanism

It appears we all have insecurities we wear on our sleeves. They become a statement of our identity of our victim-hood. We rationalize their purpose as being “good” somehow in that it serves a critical purpose in moral righteousness and keeping us safe and pure.

Last night I discovered my one INFP-friend used jealousy. He actually defended his jealousy and said it was a good “natural” thing. He felt righteous in having it. The downfall is he couldn’t stay on facebook longer than 3 days, because he was overcome with jealousy to the point where it emotionally drained everything out of him. Also the uncertainty of online interaction and social conventions/expectations totally crippled him. He viewed everyone as caricatures of themselves insecurities covered up with false personas and incessant narcissism.

He defended his “right” to jealousy, in that to him it was a badge of his uniqueness. On one level he realized it was perhaps a “negative” insecurity but he didn’t care. Jealousy is a defense mechanism, and signifies that you are envious of other people leading lives and having things you desire yourself but feel powerless to create for yourself.

I told him if he was living his life in true accordance with his inner self and inner most desires that he would have everything he desired and jealousy would thus be impossible. In fact he would be happy for others. You can’t be happy for others if you are not happy for yourself.

My gf also an INFP also has an equally powerful defense mechanism. And that is negativity/hatred/anger towards other people.  When people don’t behave in accordance to her personal set of self-righteous values and standards, often when it even doesn’t directly affect her, it will incite great anger. Again seen form her perspective this is a righteous “good” pure anger that is most necessary in establishing high ideals and of course safety.

When I then critique her on her overt negativity, she defends her defense mechanism quite well and swiftly. To her it has kept her safe from her mothers dangerous boyfriends and all the dangerous things out in the world. To her it seems perfectly justified and if it’s excessive at times, well…she doesn’t really notice.

This sets up a dangerous baseline emotional blueprint. If for example my INFP-friend is not feeling jealousy in some amount throughout the day he will feel like somethings wrong, he will likely feel unsafe and maybe not even know why. Same with my gf, the negativity directed at other peoples way of being becomes this baseline emotion, that needs to be continually fed. If there isn’t something in her immediate social environment to ego-trip about then shell use a past memory or even make something up.

Everyone rationalizes their behaviors, when it’s obviously negative it should be a clear red flag something is deeply amiss.

So what is my defense mechanism I have defense mechanisms for? Probably excusing other peoples bad behavior. I learned to excuse my mothers emotional abuse of me, for my own survival. I defend other peoples insecurities all the while being terrified of them and thusly having judged them with disgust.

In many ways I am similar to my INFP-friend. My jealousy isn’t so much about the material things other people have, but the connection they have with friends. A picture of someone with their friends on instagram, will elicit a near instantaneous subconscious disgust reaction. The thing I desire most (connection) is also something I am often equally disgusted when I see it in other people. According to my therapist because my mother didn’t connect with me adequately, I resented connection outright.

It would stand to reason then I still needed her for my survival and thus I excused her bad “behavior” and rationalized it away in order to keep myself sane in the face of a clear lack of necessary empathetic connection.

That’s the thing about our defense mechanisms, at one point in our lives they kept us sane at the sheer injustice we felt being inflicted on us. The problem is that the defense mechanism becomes anticipatory and thusly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even more dangerously it becomes a beast we need to feed in order to feel like things are “normal”. If things get too good….something must be amiss we reason, so we then conjure up ghosts of the past to re-create that feeling of self-defense.

The secret to resolving these issues is partly as follows.

For my INFP-friend and his jealousy, he would need to start to learn how to feel good about the creative materializing abundance power in himself first, and then feel good and relaxed about other people when they create abundance for themselves.

For my gf and her anger-at-others-peoples-bad-behavior issue, she needs to start feeling good and relaxed about her own behaviors instead of righteous/justified in her actions/in defense of…;; and then begin looking and feeling good about other peoples good behavior.

For myself I need to learn how to feel good about doing what I want, and putting my own emotions first, and feeling relaxed about it instead of other peoples. Then I need to feel good when other people put themselves first in a relaxed manner instead of compromising themselves to other peoples emotional whims/needs.

I need to feel good about coming from my inner self and connecting emotionally from there with others. My entire way of relating to people, in terms of being overly invested in their emotional state and forgetting my own needs to change. I need to feel good and relaxed about voicing my own emotional desires and not worrying about it’s affects on others. And then feel good when I see others do the same thing.

Recently my gf and I have been watching the new TV show “From Dusk Till Dawn”. It is very much like most Quentin Tarantino movies in terms of style. An interesting thing I noticed is the main characters in the show typically have no mind filter. They are always stating out loud how they feel and what they desire in an aspergers fearless type way. The show takes what is normally very intense survival type situations and gives it this comedic overlay often injected at key intense moments. The effect is one of regulating intensity of emotion with humor. Very effective. The characters follow their hearts regardless of cataclysmic consequences and stay true to themselves.

The characters may do horrible things but at least they are doing horrible things with integrity and respect to themselves. In a strange way I find the characters forthrightness very therapeutic. It provides a good emotional template in that even in extreme survival situations the characters remain unusually calm, relaxed and true to themselves. Often even when they know they are going to die, or are in the process of dying.

I believe Quentin Tarantino is trying to teach himself through his characters a new way of being. I doubt he realizes he is even doing this. When we dream for example we feel that we merely one player among many, not realizing that dream character we are scared of or fighting we actually created to teach us a lesson about ourselves.

It is thus important that when we see traits in others we admire, we emotionally begin to embody that new emotional way of being for our personal benefit. Many people don’t take this simple little step. For example many people admire animals for their cuteness, but what they are really admiring is how present they are. Few take that opportunity to become and be like that animal and to embody the same qualities that make it “cute” in the first place.

Advertisements

Synthesis of ENTJ and INFP relationships

Last night I had a very profound dream. I was at a fancy dinner birthday party for Leonardo Dicaprio. Something happened with him and he went on a FarCry3 style shooting rampage killing many of the guests at the party. His girlfriend was injured and dying but somehow had no bullet wounds, and came over to me lying down and putting her head on my chest. She was amazed and in awe at how peaceful the energy was at my heart/chest chakra. She was so happy that she could be near my inner essence and connect with it before and as she was passing from this life.

I had this tremendous feeling of expansion and love as a stabilizing force emanating from  my chest that I became aware of as she did this. Several times in the last few months I have been babysitting my best friends puppy. I would take a nap in the afternoon and she would jump up on the couch and curl up between my heart and solar plexus chakra and go to sleep. She would go to the same place every time feeling safe and secure, much like the girl in my dream.

Often I don’t realize my own power, and it takes others to recognize it in me me before I became aware of it. I felt like my dream was trying to teach me a lesson to tune into this more as my central source of power and connection with myself and others.

Later in the evening myself and Leo started becoming good friends. I was a bit baffled as to why he would want to be friends with me but he had this vibe similar to an INFP friend of mine where there is the unspoken mutual admiration of who each other are at a deep level. This always surprises me and many times I’m not exactly aware of it. Growing up I never really had anyone that admired or appreciated me for who I am in this way.

Enter INFPs. My best friend and girlfriend are INFPs and many of my other friends are INFPs as well. Just being around INFPs it feels like there is this mutual understanding that occurs at an emotional level. INFPs appreciate me for my practical intellectual iNtuitive self. And I appreciate them for their robust emotional idealism.

In the Seth Material, Seth often makes the recommendation that humans should strive to be like the “Practical-Idealist”. I feel that the ENTJ-INFP relationship dynamic is something that fosters that in the ultimate kind of way.

For me the most important lesson and learning from INFPs is being emotionally centered in myself. There is a safety/security a type of stability and practical emotional framework in myself that INFPs desire. I have to recognize and nurture my own strength and use that as my healthy attractor for meaningful relationships.

As a kid my mother appreciated me for my cognitive intellect and this is something I learned to take pride in and build up my self-esteem and self-worth around. Then for most of my life I have used that as a template to form connections and relationships with people on this superficial ego-type level.

The most important aspect in connection and relationships is not so much what you say/think, but rather how you feel and where those emotions are coming from. With some people in some friendships, silence is awkward. But when both people tune in to their emotions, there is a level of appreciation and communication that transcends the mind/ego. A deeper more meaningful connection is forged.

Self betterment is a process of uncovering rather than gaining

Having been interested in personal development for a long time I keep coming upon a concept that I believe desperately needs a re-frame.

It appears that most peoples perspective on self-development is that it is a process of gaining something you didn’t have before. If you were fearful and insecure you gained confidence through self work. Or perhaps if you were sad/depressed you gained joy/happiness or is you had shame you gained honor. Perhaps someone who was amoral acquired integrity.

The fundamental underlying theme is that we are creatures of lack that need to gain or add something to ourselves in order to become better that didn’t exist before. Much like learning a new trait or gaining a new ability or acquiring new knowledge as this is how we generally conceive of the process of betterment and self-improvement.

I feel that this perspective is wholly misleading and fundamentally deceitful. It puts the emphasis on the external and creates the frame that the self is inherently unworthy and needs to gain worth through gaining new attributes.

A more accurate perspective or frame is one that makes the exact opposite assumption.

Souls are inherently confident the problem is that fear and insecurity was added and layered on top of that confidence. Souls are inherently happiness and sadness depression is something that is gained or added. You inherently are honor shame is something that is acquired after the fact. Souls inherently have integrity it is when mal-adapted insecurities occur it can create amorality. Souls are inherent relaxed, it is merely that stress and tension were added.

The process of self-development is fundamentally then a process of uncovering/removing/letting go of “negative” things that were added and tainted the soul so to speak. The soul is inherently worthy on the inside although often we may not feel that way on the outside.

The distinction between what the core is on the inside, versus the ideas beliefs/thoughts/feelings we have of ourselves on the outside is critically important.

Judeo-christianity has really had a profound effect in this regard with the belief that man is inherent evil and flawed. It purports that grace is gained rather than something that is an inherent part of the self. It is not wonder that Darwinism and Freudianism philosophically take the same stance that nature is inherently flawed/selfish/brutish since the latter came out of the former.

To undo the damage of this style of thinking will require a paradigm shift in terms of how we understand and perceive the process of self development.

Emotionally speaking it would be analogous to wiping the mud off or energetically letting go of attachments to “negative” emotions. A process of uncovering the diamond and realizing your own inherent self worth.

The struggle is that the inherent goodness is buried quite deep in most people. In fact few are even consciously aware that it it exists deep within themselves because there is so much nasty stuff in the way that scares most people off. It is like we have to go through Dante’s hell followed by going up purgatory (from purging) mountain to get to heaven.

Purging is a good word and often those taking ayahuasca feel the vomiting helps facilitate emotional purging. Personally I find purging/dumping from the center of my being or the lower Dantien very effective.

Three-Dantiens

This is why the process of moving through negative/painful/unpleasant emotions is so important. It is only by going through them and getting to the roots that we can let them go.

The idea of “dumping” just like our body removes waste is incredibly important. Move through and than release so the inner light can come out.

Connecting and then nurturing those deeper feelings of self-worth and love are the next critically important step.

In summary the transformational process goes like this:

  1. Become aware of negative emotions as sensation in the body
  2. Move away from thoughts about “negative” emotion the reasons for it, blah, blah, regard it as pure energy instead
  3. Move into and through negative emotion to the root most acute part
  4. Then let it melt away, dissolve, dump it or purge
  5. Connect with the inner peace and then nurture and grow it

Nothing new is gained, merely what is, is brought forth from the depths of the inner self.

Addicted to the reasoning mind

Last night my gf and I were talking about this and I think it something we both fall prey too. In some ways it’s a greater human issue as well.

My gf being a natural INFP and having a natural curiosity ABOUT emotions and relationships can get herself caught wondering WHY is that she is feeling a given emotion, and the why for the why to infinity. There is a detriment to this kind of reasoning/intellectual curiosity for quickly it can become about the reasons for the reasons, and then the reasons for the reasons for the reasons, to the point where you are lost in the reasoning mind and have effectively forgot about the emotion in the first place.

The reasoning mind is important but often it’s power is abused and not properly balanced with just plainly moving from one emotion to another. There is a very important distinction here between intellectual curiosity about emotions and emotional curiosity about emotion. The first when dealing with negative emotions will land you in an endless realm of rationalization and ultimately a victim/blame dynamic. The second examines emotions purely on the sensational level, in fact it may be good to put the reasoning mind on hold, and just go into a state of sensation examination. Coming to your senses as it were.

It really is about sensational curiosity and inquiry in the body more than anything. This is an incredibly important skill to learn for it is what makes you present. Too many people are lost in their heads and thoughts contemplating intellectually about how they feel rather than examining emotions themselves purely on an energetic level. This is where people low on the IQ scale have an advantage, their intellectual mind is not as much of a crutch to being lost in rationalizations.

The key to emotional mastery is the ability to transition from one emotion using sensations to another. Finding out the reason for why you have a given negative emotion is good. However 90%+ of the time on a day to day basis it’s not necessary. Understanding the why’s and the reasons is important but not all-important. Ideally a balance or synthesis is struck between the reasoning mind and the emotional felt sensations in the body. In order to break the vicious hold the ego/reasoning mind has on a person, you may need to swing far to the other side to compensate initially.

 

Trip report #6 – 5-MeO-MiPT (moxy)

Substance: 5-MeO-MiPT (moxy) 6mg diluted in water

When: December 20th, 2013

Time: 8:45pm

Participants: my gf as sitter, myself

Location: My place

Well it’s been over a year since I have gone on a trip. I had tried this substance at a lower dose of about 2-3mg two weeks prior to no effect. I was really anxious trying to weigh out such a tiny portion of powder, but this time I was excited and doubled/tripled the dose ensuring I should get an effect.

Sensations for the trip started out slow. That feeling when you have butterflies in your stomach occurred to me except the tingling was much smaller and nuanced and was occurring across my chest and arms rather than my stomach. Then I got the sensation in my teeth and in my neck muscles. In many ways it felt like I had energy trapped along lines inside my body that was vibrating and wanting for release and flow. I started getting anxious energetic emotional energy coming up as well and was hoping it would move through and out soon, and it did.

The first 20 minutes or so were a bit unpleasant with a minor amount of nausea. But after that the sensations started to become more euphoric. I had the compulsion to move, stretch and dance.

Lying on the floor felt pretty amazing. I could feel impulses of energy moving through my body. It felt like the ethereal substrate of my energy body was undergoing a process of fine-tuning via a process of fractal enfoldment. For a moment my body and especially my spine felt like it was a very large snake. It felt like I was a large energy tube that could curl, and the end of the tube of energy fractal-ed out to create my head and face in a bi-symmetrical pattern the “I” teeth being a focal end point. Snakes with their fractal scale skin pattern and their tubular structure appear to be an archetypal form in the universe. It is no wonder that snakes are often experienced on ayahuasca trips.

5-MeO-MiPT (moxy) snake skull

Later on I sat up and held my gf really close. Running my hands across her skin felt pretty incredible. There was a greater depth to my touch sensation and feedback that makes touch incredibly sensual. As I massaged her back it felt like I was a giant cosmic being running my hands across the mountains and hills of planet earth. Beneath her skin her arms seemed like the long rivers of the amazon forest, and it felt like was holding and nurturing the divine feminine earth and was taking great joy in it’s miraculous manifestation. She was the embodiment of the fertile feminine lands of earth and I was a cosmic energy infusing and mingling with it.

divine feminine earth

It felt like we were two powerful entities having fast flows of powerful torrential river energy flowing in each of us running close together, twisted in helical fashion, not touching but complementing each other like yin and yang.

The sensual love feeling felt like it was something I had forgotten in day-to-day ego life. I had a hard time accepting these powerful love/sensual feelings. There was a part of me that didn’t believe this was possible. That part of me felt incredibly lonely despite being so close with my gf. Later on as I lay back on the floor, it felt like a large current or “tube” of loneliness and sorrow was unraveling inside of me that had been carefully hidden and squeezed/repressed by other energetic tubes.  I embraced this process of moving with and through the sorrow allowing it to unravel. The inner child in me still held a lot of hurt as a result of emotional neglect from my mother in early childhood.

This experience was very powerful in terms of becoming aware and healing some of that inner-child hurt on a deep emotional energetic level.

5-MeO-MiPT opens you up energetically and emotionally allowing you to become aware of things your ego normally keeps hidden from your conscious awareness. I think it’s important to encourage and engage the sensual part of the body in order to derive the full benefits of the experience. I quite like this substance in that you are completely lucid while tripping which seems like an oxymoron. Your mind isn’t altered in an way unlike my other psychedelic experiences using mushrooms, lsd and DMT. The experience is almost purely sensual, although psychedelic insight does occur. It feels very psychedelic but your mind is completely coherent. This allows me to better cognitively work through my experience and derive emotional healing from it.

At one point I was eating thin dried organic apple slices, and it was an explosion of taste sensation in my mouth. It was pretty incredible. Listening to trance music also felt pretty incredible in that the energy in my body wants to align and dance with the music. Trance is particularly cool in that with the long progression build ups in the music it seems that it helps build up and fine-tune the energy in your body.

Later on in the trip this image of a cosmic sized skull appeared to me in my mind. My mind zoomed in on one eye socket and I saw that the bone structure was composed of millions of small fractals. The eye socket of the skull was dark and I realized that it also was a fractal tube but one that stretched back and down to infinity. I began to wonder if everything in the universe is composed of fractals what is it that shapes and forms the gestalt structure of things? Then I realized it was emotion. Emotion is the shaper, and their is a core there that is identity but it goes back to infinity like an infinite mystery. The sheer scale of even the creation of something as simple as a skull has an incredible complexity behind it on an energetic fractal level.

The resolution at which drugs afford me to see reality at such a fine level fills me with utter awe at how amazing physical reality is and what it took to create it. From a fundamental point of view the scale of the complexity is mesmerizing. So often we take our reality for granted not realizing how much work the universe did into creating it.

I kept getting this nagging feeling like I was the universe trying to understand itself, trying to understand its own process of creation and how it could create meaningful form in the first place.

Snakes, Skulls, Tubes, Vortexs, Helixes, Fractals, Cubes, elemental tikis or machine elves appear to be the universal archetypal forms from which everything else is created. Rhythm, vibration, emotion and dance is what brings coherence to those forms.

Some people seem to think circles or the flower of life are at the basis of archetypal reality, and I would adamantly disagree. Circles while archetypal are merely a secondary phenomenon a clever creative illusion, formed from fractal squares twisting in tubular helical fashion.

The curiosity I hold is insatiable and will drive me to the deepest depths to try understand myself and reality. I also got the sense that virtually no one would understand this type of wander-lust that few are willing to try to go that far. But somehow it feels important, but at the same time perhaps unanswerable, and that is an incredibly exciting prospect. Endless mystery for enjoyment.

The feeling of being violated and the benefits of anger

Last night I had a dream where some movers had come into my house to take my dresser away, and I stopped them before they were to leave to take all my stuff out of the drawers. I didn’t mind them taking the dresser, then it turned into a suitcase and I started taking out all this old clothing (read emotions) I forgot I even had. That was just the top compartment, the bottom was empty to my surprise. I guess maybe this symbolizes the work I had already done.

Then these people were going to take my suitcase away but I got upset because I needed in 2 weeks time to go travelling. Then my dad and his dad (my grandpa) started arguing in their super stubborn ISTJ manner. I got furious and stormed off. Over the last few days I had been arguing with a stubborn woman on the internet who is also an ISTJ about spirituality stuff and the ego specifically.

The second part of the dream dredged up memories I had largely forgotten and repressed. I had gone to my room to find my computer missing and realized my mom had hired a guy to move it to a central location so she could watch my every move online. The guy had also gone through all my personal files and moved things around. This actually happened to me in real-life as a teenager on a few occasions. People helping themselves to things I consider my property/ and or myself.

In the dream i became so rage-full I threw that fat hired guy down on the ground and wimping in the corner as he defiantly defended himself and I gave him the finger. Then I turned on my mother grabbing her by the neck, and thinking I need to take out one of her organs so she can know what it feels like to be totally violated.  The rage I was experiencing was so over-powering it almost immobilized me. I am very inexperienced with anger so when it does come it becomes difficult to contain it. I rarely, very rarely get angry but when I do watch the fuck out. Being an enTj i usually deal with things very rationally and logically.

So I have a problem with people especially chicks taking advantage of me, and this is because I was violated by my parents. (not sexually, but emotional violation all the same) You see my parents are hard-core fundamentalist Christians. They believe things like TV’s are devils boxes and all musical drums are evil because they were used for demon worship in Africa. This is the shit I used to believe when I was a kid.

I have always been a curious person, and questioned my beliefs a lot. I read books like Eckhart Tolle the Power of Now which my parents promptly took away on me under the guise it was “not christian”. Needles to say many of my books would go missing, things would get moved around if a game I played had “magic” in it like World of Warcraft i was not allowed to play. I lived in a very constrained environment where rock music was evil, and my parents violated me in many ways.

My therapist realized this and said one of my primary issues is not being able to feel anger. I thought this was a good thing anger=bad, I’m a better person. But no it’s actually quite unhealthy. Then he had me imagine being a Tiger and mauling my mother. This is the basis of Somatic Psycho-Therapy hence the title of the book that kickstarted this new paradigm shift in psychotherapy named “Waking the Tiger”.

So what to do now about this feeling of violation….My mom had been raped when she was a teenager, but this in itself was probably brought about because she had been violated emotionally by her parents her mother who was an ISFJ. Insecure ISFJ parents are notoriously controlling and emotionally manipulative. So this is a generational issue.

My mom feared/paranoid for my safety when I was a kid, so I picked up internalized much of her anxiety thus attracting situations where people would violate me in small ways. Being a dude and a calculating one at that usually it was nothing every major. Just small emotional things which are much more devious, and can be more effective. Women are particularly adept at these arts because they don’t have force/might on their side. It’s often socially acceptable for women to emotionally manipulate, but unacceptable for boys/men to fight. I mean what are you gonna do punch a woman/mom in the face every time she uses an emotion to get her way??

Hence the creation of a new breed of “beta” supplicating men. Men biologically and now socially are at a disadvantage. This is the cue to adapt and evolve and this means being able to build boundaries using anger if necessary as a momma tiger does to protect her cubs. Except instead of protecting cubs you are protecting yourself. This means becoming  aware of all the subtle little emotional tactics people use to get their way and violate you in almost insignificant ways. Death by a thousand cuts.

My therapist had me try to summon anger, and hold it, stare at people with a glare that says “how dare you intrude on my boundaries”. This is something I REALLY NOT A FUCK TON of practice in. Otherwise these dreams will keep coming back to haunt me.

In essence this all about having respect for your self, your inner-self and your emotions. This is difficult but highly necessary. This is new territory for me, and would be an issue for anyone that had over-bearing fearful insecure parents like mine. They feel powerless so they look for ways to take power away from others for themselves. This however never works. It’s a maladapted way of trying to become secure.

Evil dictators, war mongers suffer from the same kinds of childhood traumas. If children were taught to properly experience and use anger, we wouldn’t have school shootings as all those repressed emotions spill out dangerously. It’s our overly pious insecure christian society that is at fault in my opinion.

So back to resolving this issue for myself. The first thing for me is to become aware of my emotions when I am feeling manipulated/violated. Next is to build and construct anger with integrity in a deep powerful and controlled way. Next is to use it if necessary.

I have to practice feeling anger in my emotional core. Becoming comfortable with it and not disgusted by it. I need to convince myself and my emotions that his is a good method of preserving the sanctity and worth of my own being. So that I can move into anger and out with ease. That i can feel anger and compassion simultaneously. That ideal anger is about protection not about hurting. It’s about creating proper boundaries.

Usually when we see anger in society it’s not the good kind, its the kind that people experience when it’s too late and they already feel powerless and its a fight survival response. the GOAL here is to be able to feel anger even when your survival is not at stake and you are not having a high level of activation. Paradoxically when many people experience anger they are very dissociated form their emotional body. You can see this when someone looks like they have smoke coming out of their ears and their face turns red with rage.

The anger is all in their head! The goal is to have anger coming from the heart like a cold anger that is very present. IN some ways this is more frighting but its a type of anger that you haven’t lost your cool. My therapist showed me how he does and holy shit it looks fucking scary. He old me this is how to do anger in the good way. It’s a don’t mess with me I’m serious look. Mastering the kind of anger and being able to communicate that would do wonders for society in terms of all the repression people engage in and then their top my blow or they develop some crippling disease that’s a drain to themselves and society.

People who I could possibly template good anger from are Samuel Jackson, Denzel Washington or Robert Deniro. INFJ’s are master’s at this. I have to pretend feeling the same way. Practice, practice, practice. This is one for my cheat sheet.

Robert-De-Niro-bringing-his-angry-eyes-to-Cannes-2011

 

 

 

 

Setting the Stage & carrying too much stuff

Had two interesting dreams last night.

The first I was very upset because my parents housekeepers parents had come over in a time of hurricane/flood crises (they were Filipino possible connection to recent disaster) and had put several dishes and pans into the dishwasher, but it never got cleaned. Almost everything was still dirty and had “disgusting” food caked on. What’s more as I prodded deeper into the dishwasher I found white blankets, hard floor coverings, my books my bookshelf, gross sponges, and left over food all stashed int here. The inside of the dishwasher became a very large room. And it seemed like I was pulling endless things out of it. I was furious, so many of my things were destroyed or ruined, and what are the effects of dish-wash soap on blankets!?

I thought I was gonna have to get rid of much of this stuff and it pained me. I hate throwing out stuff unnecessarily for avoidable reasons.

However a problem I have is that I hold onto, or my ego holds onto far too many negative emotions. And then carry’s them around creating its identity as they rot and fester. A long time ago I cam to the realization through therapy I need to dump emotions that I have no sue for energetically. It’s the emotional analogue of actually taking a shit where the body gets rid of unnecessary disgustingness. It does this physically however I need to learn to do this more frequently emotionally and take my cue from nature. Otherwise I am gonna keep have dreams where I am stressed out about having too much “stuff” to carry.

weight of the world carrying

In my second dream I was part of a crew of men helping construct a stage. The main stage area was covered by a carpet, and underneath the support was merely struts instead of flat planks. The director was commenting on the difficulty in performing making sure you didn’t miss the struts otherwise you may fall through and can yourself, or fall below deck.

Then we went to check out the females stage, and sure enough under their carpet there was planks all the way through. We didn’t quite known if we could believe the feminine bikini girls, and the director had them drop their bottoms to check they were actually female. Satisfied everything looked in order we went back to our stage to retrofit it and set it. There were a few annoying guys who complained bitterly about the work, and other people, and strangely I got myself caught up in their ISFJ-like stories. I have a nasty habbit of getting caught up in others complaining. However the director came around and was quite happy with my enthusiasm and the work I was doing and shook my hand with a hearty good smile. The guy also looked like Alexander Shulgin! We squeezed hands in this feel good appreciating each other kind of manner. This was a better emotional energy to tune in to. I woke up feeling quite wonderful.

Symbolically I feel it means I am on the right path and in the process of setting the foundation for my life. Also when I woke up my emotions felt more grounded and secure more centered and contained, as we/I had taken an appropriate cue from the feminine. I guess maybe on one level the yoni symbolizes something closing in on itself where the male lingam symbolizes energy directed outward. I suffer from over-excitement (male expansion) or hyper-emotional energy in general, and this was a good lesson to learn in order to help concentrate and contain that emotional energy. What a bizarre way of learning though! The more I focus on my feelings and following their natural course the more I learn. Often my analytic mind gets in the way thinking about things to logically and trying to control them that way.

Being emotionally taken advantage of – and how I am responsible

I just woke up from an evening nap with the dream I was dreaming fresh in my mind.

In it my gf and I were at a hotel where we had stayed at a few nights and were getting ready to leave that day to another destination. A tall blond haired professional looking woman came to the door to give me the pink receipt for the bill, which I had to subsequently sign. The total amount on the bill was outrageous and I felt I was being ripped off for some dry-cleaning I had done for suits for my sisters wedding [re-occurring theme]. I thought there was something wrong, but tall blondy assured me it was all correct, and was getting very impatient with me, so I quickly signed the bill, and as she was leaving I got shorter and she got taller.

Then still trying to figure where the outrageous charges had come from with my gf, my gf began crying clearly being overwhelmed, and I assured her it was not a big deal and I would figure it out, perhaps with her help. I then woke up feeling very despairing and taken advantage of, not having resolved the miscalculations.

———Dream Interpretation———–

The feelings elicited in the dream is the most important and has little do do with the actual dream elements. (as always) The feeling of being emotionally taken advantage of, was key here for me. Earlier I had been thinking about an earlier meeting I had with a guy Steve, written about in the previous 2 posts.

Steve had this sorrowful look in his eyes, this internal deep suffering that had really piqued my curiosity. He or it, felt very familiar. He described how the 2 events that impacted him the most was breakdown and loss of his two most prominent romantic relationships with females, and how those experiences had left him wrought and suffering. I asked him what he thought he was meant to learn from all of it, and he said how to be with pain, and accept it, and that it creates depth within a person. I was inclined to agree with his rationalization/frame and this is the mistake (bill in the dream) I was upset about.

You see Steve had made himself the victim and not once did he mention that he may have been to blame, and there were important things to learn when relationships don’t work out. I am kicking myself for not having seen this at first, and being sucked into his victim-sob story way of life. I recognized this is one of the things I struggle in life with the most and had been sucked into my mom’s poor-me victim-hood countless times growing up. I am upset and angry with myself, for not realizing at the time that the sorrowful pain he had, was me still trying to solve my mothers problem and save her from herself in order to insure my survival. Saving someone else to save yourself as it were.

Many young children experience this when a parent usually the mother is stressed. The child knows that if the parent feels threatened it could be detrimental to it’s own survival. However the child likely can not actually help the parent, and therefore can’t help itself, and this leads quickly to despair. This can form a poor template, where the child tries to be the “messiah” and perpetually “save” people that can’t be saved. The christ story really feeds into this mal-adapted survival technique and many Christians acutely suffer from this problem. As do many people who are trying to “help” poor people, etc. Doing the right thing for the wrong reason as it were, perpetuating the frame of emotional dis-empowerment and that other people can’t help themselves and that you need to step in. It’s all very fucked up if you think about it, but it’s a real tricky one.

The best way to empower others is to empower yourself and teach others through that process. One of the intents of this blog.

Instead of being so goddamn curious about suffering in others I need to be insanely curious about happy people rather than sad fucking depressed people. To be honest I am being a bit harsh on myself, Steve also had elements of emotional presence, and a certain relaxed-state and ENFP acceptance that I can appreciate and does provide a positive template. The dichotomy between that and his suffering, was too good for me too pass up however. So my intentions were a bit of mixed bag, some good some not so good. In retrospect it is a powerful learning experience, to recognize that compulsion I have to understand other peoples suffering is still a mal-adapted survival strategy that gains me no benefit and not the other either.

I also learned that it’s not just females that I have “the rescuer” complex for but also males. I had 2 weeks ago been tempted “to rescue” a female I had come across that reminded me deeply of my inner child, but was able to recognize my unhealthy compulsion, and emotionally came to a place in myself free of that compulsion to save the other and that it was the other girl’s OWN responsibility to develop and “save” herself if she so chose. It was not my responsibility to impose myself on her. It never is. So I feel like I took one step forward and the one back. Hopefully by writing about it I can catch myself more in the future.

I also have an anti-anxiety app for my iphone I really should be practicing more. Check it out here: http://anxietymint.com/

Don’t mess with my Surrogate Daddy (Guru/God/Jesus)

Continuing the discussion from my previous post, as I was telling my gf about my meeting with the Steve course facilitator guy, he had informed me that he and his mother both attended weekly sessions hosted by a world- renown local guru who is famous for staring people in their eyes and then magical things happen.

My gf made the connection that this local guru was acting as a surrogate father to all these acolytes (mostly women) he has gathered around himself. This guy has the ultimate form of game as a charismatic leader of a cult like movement. I had always been interested in him but never gone to see his show in person seeing that most of his followers didn’t seem the better for it. He is known under the guise as a “spiritual philosopher” which normally would pull me in. But a little digging on the internet showed he had personal relationship issues of his own despite being the “messiah”.

These people are not so profoundly moved by what he has to say, more so by how he holds presence with each of them they wished an idealized father would. What also tipped me off was Steve mentioned having an emotionally distant father. So a theory that my gf and I came up with is that people where perhaps the primary caretaker was the father where the mother was more absent (which is a bit more unusual) and the father was emotionally not present causes people to seek out male figures that will give them what they never had.

When we are children (before age 5) we are completely dependent on our parents. If the primary caretaker is emotionally absent it creates a mal-adapted attachment style which then creates mal-adapted coping mechanisms. All of our social issues and relationship issues can be be determined quite accurately from what our original attachment styles were. If you as a child were not emotionally supported and validated you will seek it out for the rest of your life, for it is what originally is supposed to give you your sense of security and safety.

Needless to say most people don’t find that in their fellow friends/relationships so thus forms the attachment to an idealized surrogate parent that takes the form of a guru or in the case of Christianity Jesus or even God. (Mother Mary being an example of a surrogate mommy in Catholicism) This single factor is what I believe is the most powerful draw of religions and modern day spiritual guru types. Hence the provocative title of this post.

Attacking this messiah-individual on logical or philosophical grounds is a completely futile effort. The attachment is almost entirely emotional fulfilling a deep need that was not fulfilled adequately in childhood. The problem for these acolytes/followers they ultimately never get satisfied. They never learn to feel fully secure in themselves for security is always thought to lie outside of themselves and thus their personal romantic relationships are usually one wreck after another. 

The answer/attachment isn’t found outside of oneself as it is meant to be templated in childhood, it is an attachment or connection that needs to be forged with the deeper inner self. The civilization within as it were, and the universe and self-power at a more abstract universal level. NOT specific individuals (Jesus/Guru) that you are wholly dependent on for your emotional security-sustenance. That is whole-sale dependency and dis-empowerment.

Secure attachment comes from feeling secure in the vast power of being connected and part of the larger entity that is your own. For its power and energy are endless and that safety can never be threatened by annihilation. Once you can forge the deeper connection with the inner self you will be empowered to connect more genuinely with other people instead of being a leech.

If connection with others is something you really desire, the secure connection with self needs to come first. When that occurs the need for surrogate mommies or daddies will go away. For you ultimately are GOD. The ego has just forgotten this for purposes of emotional development.

What needs to occur to change this dysfunctional spiritual attachment style to surrogate fathers/mothers is a new model of secure attachment to the inner self needs to be put forth. A new brain pathway needs to be created and modeled that makes gurus & messiahs & religions unnecessary. This will be the foundation of a new spiritual revolution. Quite exciting!

Meeting the course facilitator

I was filled with feelings of excitement and a bit underlying apprehension as I went to meet the guy ( who I shall name Steve) who had along with his mom facilitated some great workshops I had recently taken. I was still unsure about him, as my initial impressions of him were not that great. He had this sorrowful painful look in his eyes that virtually every older male ENFP I have ever seen in my life has. Yet on the other hand during the workshops he exuded this loving presence that seemed so sure of itself. He had a level of social and inner confidence at a level I still personally have not quite achieved.

To be honest my intent was to discover what it is that he is searching for, for that is the distinct impression I get from him. Also the dichotomy of a degree of self awareness coupled with pain was intriguing.When I detect what appears to be genuine curiosity in people, it is something I get excited about. I feel that perhaps I have found a new friend. However I was quick to be proven wrong as I discovered he does not even believe in a soul, and therefore has no interest in the mysteries of the inner dimensions of the self that are non-physical. I was personally astounded seeing that he was heavily involved in the local new-age spiritual community. How could someone so involved in the “spiritual” community not even believe in “spirit” !?

I promptly informed him that his belief in “non-spirit” is something only held by the very minority of people on the planet being atheists and certain branches of Buddhism. Buddhism being confusing because some branches do believe in reincarnation so it’s a mixed bag as whether they believe in a soul or not.

I had come across this before as a previous ENFP friend of mine also very involved in “spiritual” things also decidedly does not believe in “spirit” the way it is conventionally believed. This Buddhist style belief seems to becoming quite popular among atheists who still want to retain some sense of an inner emotional meaningful world in the face of a cold mechanistic Darwinist world and an uncaring inanimate universe. Needless to say these people always seem to have tremendous inner conflict.

I also get the sense that they feel they are taking the moral high ground and feel they are not falling prey to such petty clearly illogical and irrational anthropomorphism. My cousin, an atheist, also had a similar style of thinking. In fact I think most atheists do. Anthropomorphism is the devil as it were.

However, I think these people are so terrified of their own mental power that should the mental realm have any tangible reality outside of the biochemical reactions in their head it would have cataclysmic consequences on the universe. Also these people tend to draw a hard line between what is “real” and “non-real” as if it were so absolute and objective that it was as clear as day. The non-real being the world of delusions driven by the fearful insecure self looking for comfort and support where there is none. This is in my opinion an out-dated style of thinking heavily dependent on a classical Newtonian world, which is subsequently teared to shreds by quantum physics.

These people without question all have experienced some sort of depression, and I would assume tried to comfort themselves with some kind of delusions but then felt that was disingenuous and that “real” people are “realists” and suffer without trying to cope and whatever “delusions/anthropomorphisms” that may bring with it. They form an interesting relationship to pain which in of-itself becomes a rather peculiar coping mechanism. They struggle with the difference between identity and their emotions, for what is the identity that is experiencing such dreadful emotions that have such a meaningful impact? An impact on what aspect of self if the self is not composed of emotion merely the “container” for them?

The arguments for or against the soul can go in circles. However I did have to inform him I had recently learned telekinesis a clearly “non-real/non-physical” power. I could feel the disbelief from him, so I asked him if he would like to learn and see for himself and that it is really quite simple and takes two hours of practice at the most. Which he promptly reported he had no interest in learning and wouldn’t for the rest of his life.

That kind of answer bespeaks of fear, a type of fear again that the inner “non-real” mental self should best be left alone for it is a dark and scary place that shouldn’t have physical effects on the exterior world. That there may be a non-physical aspect to the self that invalidates their entire worldview is scary, especially when you build your entire belief system on Newtonian foundations.

Throughout the conversations we passionately debated my belief system versus his, but here again I was faced with the feeling that he rejected virtually all of my most important beliefs. This feeling of rejection is getting old, and I was dismayed at myself at having attracted it yet again.

I also had issues controlling my excitement during the conversation as he gave me his deep soulful stare. I was struggling with this, as to how much should I control my excitement/activation or if I should never be that way and walk around with that uber-zen so at home in-myself Buddhist monk look. There is something so soothing and calming about being in that state to the self and others. It is so controlled and so anti-dramatic. It it the look of utter serenity and balance. BUT is that really the goal in life??? Just to be so fully present that there is virtually no ego or mind? What the fuck was the ego and mind then created for… just to distract us and test us? Soulful robot vs personality?

I feel like there is a happy medium, somewhere there between my high level excitement and his high level zen-ness. I don’t quite know where that is yet but I am getting closer.