Had an awesome talk with my gf this morning and figured out some incredible things about myself.
I had a dream last night that involved a lot of generalized social anxiety & feelings of creepiness associated with it. The creepy feeling is re-current as well. In any case I began thinking about nervous system templating and why I have these social anxieties filled with dissociation/disconnect from people combined with a lot of personal inner emotional turmoil.
This is an area of life where unbeknownst to most people….even myself to a degree, where I wear 2 masks. One is the friendly courteous helpful towards strangers and people in general, and the other is a generalized feeling of distrust/anxiety/fear in regards to strangers/the world.
You see cognitively/intellectually I have created a schism with my emotions, where it appears on the outside I am kind helpful and socially well adjusted, and integrate with relative ease. I have BEHAVIORALLY trained myself to be like that, however on an emotional level i pour out wrathful judgments, disgust, disdain, contempt, distrust on the overwhelmingly vast majority of strangers/people/the world. There is a disconnect between my mental mind and my emotions. A big one….. which creates internal strife and disharmony which when I sleep and my cognitive mind subsides my emotions in regards to social situations all the negativity the fear/anxiety and judgments come pouring out like a damn bursting.
Now where did these negative core social beliefs/anxiety first come from? For that I look to my mother and oddly enough HER mother or my grandma. In Somatic-therapy there is something known as emotional neurological templating. It is something everyone does, usually off their primary caretakers. My grandma died when I was about 13, and from what I remember about her as a person was that she was seemingly in a state of perpetual misery, (she was an ISFJ) and had a great distrust for the world. She would read the newspaper daily and lament about how the world was going to hell. She had a general anxiety and fear of the world….socially speaking, and its no surprise my mom templated off her this fear/anxiety and then I templated it off my mother. The sins of the father get passed down, or in this case mothers as it most often is, since mothers care more for kids than dads, thus children template off them more. So in those terms the ills of societies (also the good things) ride on the female mothering kind.
My grandma was around a lot when i was growing up, considering she lived a 5min walk away from my home. She was over several times a week helping my mom and helping raise me. Both my mom and grandma had a religious driven fear and distrust of the world at large, an anxiety, a judgmental, a disdain, contempt. These two women were my dominant caretakers, growing up, and I templated off them emotionally. My dads way of dealing with most things is to dissociate intellectually from uncomfortable emotions, so i templated that off him as well. So this is my foundation/roots, in terms of my root core emotional beliefs. My best friend/cousin growing up, Tim, also was raised in a similar way and reinforced a lot of this.
As i grew up and began reading eckhart tolle, joseph murphy , channeled material, i cognitively/intellectually re-wrote a lot of those negative beliefs, so that to the common person I came across I was behaviorally fairly positive. However the emotional part was neglected/suppressed and my nightmares continued to get worse as I dissociated from my emotional body even more. There is a clear disconnect with the way i behave and appear in public, and how i feel deep down on the inside….to this day.
Now comes the cool part. My powers of attraction have brought me the tools I require, and to some degree haven’t realized it. My mom is an INFP. A hallmark of introverted, big picture feeling, is the negative emotions often get blanketed across the world and can create great internal despair. Or in my case GENERALIZED social anxiety/fear of people/world.
When I first met depressed-friend, he was in self imposed deep state of depression and felt there was something majorly wrong with the world and was ready to jump of a bridge. I identified with him strongly in terms that he represented in a new emotionally detached way the core way of being that both my mother and grandma had. Thus depressed-friend represented a reflection of aspects of myself to me, of parts of myself that were deeply repressed. As you may know depressed-friend is an INFP as well. I attracted depressed-friend (and vice versa, as always) in those terms in that it gave me a way of externally seeing what was going on in myself. I recognize that now. (side Note aspergers-friend, represented my intellectual side gone to an extreme)
The second INFP I attracted was sage-friend. Now sage-friend is in many ways the exact opposite of my mom, grandma. He inherently appears to trust the world, trust nature, trust himself, trusts his emotions, sees the positivety in most people, etc. Sage-friend in juxtapoistion offered me new paths off of which I could emotionally and neurologically template off of. As an amazing new friend he is helping me rewrite my core beliefs and assumptions about the world and strangers to positive ones. Funny thing is he probablly isn’t even aware that he is helping me in those terms.
The next INFP to come into my life in a huge way is my gf. Now when I met my gf she was recently coming out of a personal state of depression, in some ways she marked the transition from negative to positive. Her way of dealing with things emotionally, and the integrity behind those emotions combined with a generalized trust of herself/feelings and nature was a powerful new template for me. On my 2nd mushroom trip, where I went deep into a land of emotional social fear/anxiety, having my gf by my side to hold emotional trusting integrity was an incredible positive anchor point. Both my gf and sage-friend continue to this day to be my best sources to emotionally template off of, and rewrite these fear/anxiety core beliefs ingranined in me by my mother.They continue to be the most positive forces in my life and I hope I can return the favour in kind.
Other earlier INFPs that also provided a positive template was my flower-friend as well as photographer-friend.
Now come the ENFP’s. The people who seek harmony among people and seemingly harbor no negative fears/anxieties/feelings/judgments to society at large. These people have recently also been my best friends and played an integral role in my life and helping me reprogram myself. They are my brother Anthony, South africa-friend, tribal drummer-friend, kiteboarder-friend, gypsy-friend, buddha-friend, class mate ukie & Filipino. These people are very good at trusting and being positive/non-judgmental of people at large, and offer me massive benefit and emotional learning opportunity. I need to be more empathetic with them and template off them more as well.
I find it utterly amazing that most of my dominant friends over the last while are INFP’s & ENFP’s (who combined account for only 4% of the population) all there to help me create new emotional paths/beliefs within myself. The power of attraction is awe stunning. My task now is to really empathize with these people and to adopt their emotional states and integrate them into myself. I have all these amazing teachers in my life and haven’t appreciated them enough.
Another strategy my therapist had, was for me to imagine as if say my mother and father/grandma had raised me in a different way, one that had the attributes i desired. At first i thought it was not possible, but he insisted I do it. This process rewrites your past, emotionally neurologically and can help you rewrite your beliefs. In effect changing the past as Seth puts it, in order to empower yourself in the present going forward.
All these people I have attracted to myself provide positive anchor points. They help me create peace within myself, to trust more and judge less. To be emotionally relaxed with people and the world, that I may bring out the best in them, by bringing out the best within me.
Taking this one step further as you know I have been having issues with chronic fatigue. It’s as if my body & mind WANT to go to sleep, so that the intellectual/logic part turns off, so that I can dream, and release these negative emotions, and also so that they can inform me about what’s going on in myself, so that i may fix it.
My new belief is: I TRUST MY EMOTIONS, I TRUST MYSELF, I TRUST THE WORLD, I TRUST ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. Relax and feel into that!
p.s. I trust my dreams.