Tag Archives: Fear

The Defense mechanism that has a defense mechanism

It appears we all have insecurities we wear on our sleeves. They become a statement of our identity of our victim-hood. We rationalize their purpose as being “good” somehow in that it serves a critical purpose in moral righteousness and keeping us safe and pure.

Last night I discovered my one INFP-friend used jealousy. He actually defended his jealousy and said it was a good “natural” thing. He felt righteous in having it. The downfall is he couldn’t stay on facebook longer than 3 days, because he was overcome with jealousy to the point where it emotionally drained everything out of him. Also the uncertainty of online interaction and social conventions/expectations totally crippled him. He viewed everyone as caricatures of themselves insecurities covered up with false personas and incessant narcissism.

He defended his “right” to jealousy, in that to him it was a badge of his uniqueness. On one level he realized it was perhaps a “negative” insecurity but he didn’t care. Jealousy is a defense mechanism, and signifies that you are envious of other people leading lives and having things you desire yourself but feel powerless to create for yourself.

I told him if he was living his life in true accordance with his inner self and inner most desires that he would have everything he desired and jealousy would thus be impossible. In fact he would be happy for others. You can’t be happy for others if you are not happy for yourself.

My gf also an INFP also has an equally powerful defense mechanism. And that is negativity/hatred/anger towards other people.  When people don’t behave in accordance to her personal set of self-righteous values and standards, often when it even doesn’t directly affect her, it will incite great anger. Again seen form her perspective this is a righteous “good” pure anger that is most necessary in establishing high ideals and of course safety.

When I then critique her on her overt negativity, she defends her defense mechanism quite well and swiftly. To her it has kept her safe from her mothers dangerous boyfriends and all the dangerous things out in the world. To her it seems perfectly justified and if it’s excessive at times, well…she doesn’t really notice.

This sets up a dangerous baseline emotional blueprint. If for example my INFP-friend is not feeling jealousy in some amount throughout the day he will feel like somethings wrong, he will likely feel unsafe and maybe not even know why. Same with my gf, the negativity directed at other peoples way of being becomes this baseline emotion, that needs to be continually fed. If there isn’t something in her immediate social environment to ego-trip about then shell use a past memory or even make something up.

Everyone rationalizes their behaviors, when it’s obviously negative it should be a clear red flag something is deeply amiss.

So what is my defense mechanism I have defense mechanisms for? Probably excusing other peoples bad behavior. I learned to excuse my mothers emotional abuse of me, for my own survival. I defend other peoples insecurities all the while being terrified of them and thusly having judged them with disgust.

In many ways I am similar to my INFP-friend. My jealousy isn’t so much about the material things other people have, but the connection they have with friends. A picture of someone with their friends on instagram, will elicit a near instantaneous subconscious disgust reaction. The thing I desire most (connection) is also something I am often equally disgusted when I see it in other people. According to my therapist because my mother didn’t connect with me adequately, I resented connection outright.

It would stand to reason then I still needed her for my survival and thus I excused her bad “behavior” and rationalized it away in order to keep myself sane in the face of a clear lack of necessary empathetic connection.

That’s the thing about our defense mechanisms, at one point in our lives they kept us sane at the sheer injustice we felt being inflicted on us. The problem is that the defense mechanism becomes anticipatory and thusly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even more dangerously it becomes a beast we need to feed in order to feel like things are “normal”. If things get too good….something must be amiss we reason, so we then conjure up ghosts of the past to re-create that feeling of self-defense.

The secret to resolving these issues is partly as follows.

For my INFP-friend and his jealousy, he would need to start to learn how to feel good about the creative materializing abundance power in himself first, and then feel good and relaxed about other people when they create abundance for themselves.

For my gf and her anger-at-others-peoples-bad-behavior issue, she needs to start feeling good and relaxed about her own behaviors instead of righteous/justified in her actions/in defense of…;; and then begin looking and feeling good about other peoples good behavior.

For myself I need to learn how to feel good about doing what I want, and putting my own emotions first, and feeling relaxed about it instead of other peoples. Then I need to feel good when other people put themselves first in a relaxed manner instead of compromising themselves to other peoples emotional whims/needs.

I need to feel good about coming from my inner self and connecting emotionally from there with others. My entire way of relating to people, in terms of being overly invested in their emotional state and forgetting my own needs to change. I need to feel good and relaxed about voicing my own emotional desires and not worrying about it’s affects on others. And then feel good when I see others do the same thing.

Recently my gf and I have been watching the new TV show “From Dusk Till Dawn”. It is very much like most Quentin Tarantino movies in terms of style. An interesting thing I noticed is the main characters in the show typically have no mind filter. They are always stating out loud how they feel and what they desire in an aspergers fearless type way. The show takes what is normally very intense survival type situations and gives it this comedic overlay often injected at key intense moments. The effect is one of regulating intensity of emotion with humor. Very effective. The characters follow their hearts regardless of cataclysmic consequences and stay true to themselves.

The characters may do horrible things but at least they are doing horrible things with integrity and respect to themselves. In a strange way I find the characters forthrightness very therapeutic. It provides a good emotional template in that even in extreme survival situations the characters remain unusually calm, relaxed and true to themselves. Often even when they know they are going to die, or are in the process of dying.

I believe Quentin Tarantino is trying to teach himself through his characters a new way of being. I doubt he realizes he is even doing this. When we dream for example we feel that we merely one player among many, not realizing that dream character we are scared of or fighting we actually created to teach us a lesson about ourselves.

It is thus important that when we see traits in others we admire, we emotionally begin to embody that new emotional way of being for our personal benefit. Many people don’t take this simple little step. For example many people admire animals for their cuteness, but what they are really admiring is how present they are. Few take that opportunity to become and be like that animal and to embody the same qualities that make it “cute” in the first place.

What am I most defensive about?

destructive defensive

This is a tough one for me. And I am not really quite sure I know the answer. But the thing I am perhaps innerly most defensive about is my desire/method to connect with people via excitement or activation. I call it mind enthusiasm.

I feel like my root desires are wrong and the way I go about trying to get connection is wrong yet even knowing that both are wrong I defend them. I don’t know another way. This is a bit abstract for me, and rather cleverly hidden from myself by aspects of myself so it’s difficult to articulate.

I desire group connection above all else. And there is something wrong with this, or at least the motivation behind it. I am operating from an insecurity a state of fundamental fear of loss of connection and fear of being lonely.

Then the way I try to make up for that insecurity/fear is use excitement emotion, to dissociate into my head and use the excitement emotion of the prospect of intimacy to try to get connection.

Last night I had a dream I was trying to get a part on the show “Gossip Girl”. ( a show my gf watches)  I was trying to get in by enthusiasm alone, but that was not good enough. I needed emotional control in order to act, and knew I didn’t have it and thus didn’t deserve the part or the subsequent connection of working with a team to construct a show.

The dude interviewing me for the part was nice at first then turned into a real ass. . He was informing me my intention for wanting be on the show was wrong in the first place. Then I became defensive about my method. This opened up a lot of repressed hurt inside me as my instant compulsion was to defend that very motivation.

The thing is after I didn’t really know what my motivation should be….what was wrong with the desire to connect with people and work together in a meaningful way? I was very frustrated.

This left me feeling bereft and confused, with no clear way forward. Afterwords, I tried finding my car but couldn’t remember where i had left it and spent hours searching for it, my “mobility”. I had maps that wouldn’t work and was trying to use the sound of the horn from pressing my key dongle but could not echo locate for the life of me. Hearing is something I have difficultly with or perhaps listening. And this is why I am fucking lost and anxious without my mobility/energy. I also couldn’t see or read the map either.

There are 3 primary modes of learning or being according to the VAK system.

  • Visual
  • Auditory
  • Kinesthetic

My first two were failing me in terms of navigation. I had completely ignored the third which is by sense of feeling. And this is the problem of  how I navigate relationships with other people and myself. I try to connect with people via my visual/auditory mind rather than my heart/feelings/body. This is part of the reason I crave physical intimacy so much is because I deny it to myself, and feel that someone needs to give it to me instead. As if it is something that is externally sourced and I do not posses in the first place.

I am an amazing navigator when it comes to physical reality, and literally have visual/intuitive maps inside my head. However I am a terrible navigator when it comes to the dream world of emotions. And the flip side of this physically is that I would make a terrible actor. Modern society has an obsession with actors/actresses, and it has been a secret desire of mine to be one for a long time. So much success with so little “logic” work.

The thing is even those who are good at acting, and have seeming emotional “control” are they better for it? With recent suicide death of Philip Seymour Hoffman the obvious answer is no. Actors are not necessarily more developed humans. This confuses me because I feel that if I had those skills I would be amazing.

The thing is I am really good at what they are not, so what we each want is what the other person has. Ultimately it’s a synthesis of emotional and intellectual power.

For me then the path forward is practicing feeling, practicing connecting at a deep emotional level to myself and others. Psychedelic entactogens are a great tool in this regard. So is dreams, and meeting lots of people and observing my emotions in the engagement process.

So I believe my dream taught me an important lesson and gave me the answer to the original question. The answer still feels fuzzy, but I feel at the least I am aware of the areas I need to look….or rather feel. However resolving that inner fear/insecurity though Is probably another matter that I haven’t yet got too appropriately,

Self betterment is a process of uncovering rather than gaining

Having been interested in personal development for a long time I keep coming upon a concept that I believe desperately needs a re-frame.

It appears that most peoples perspective on self-development is that it is a process of gaining something you didn’t have before. If you were fearful and insecure you gained confidence through self work. Or perhaps if you were sad/depressed you gained joy/happiness or is you had shame you gained honor. Perhaps someone who was amoral acquired integrity.

The fundamental underlying theme is that we are creatures of lack that need to gain or add something to ourselves in order to become better that didn’t exist before. Much like learning a new trait or gaining a new ability or acquiring new knowledge as this is how we generally conceive of the process of betterment and self-improvement.

I feel that this perspective is wholly misleading and fundamentally deceitful. It puts the emphasis on the external and creates the frame that the self is inherently unworthy and needs to gain worth through gaining new attributes.

A more accurate perspective or frame is one that makes the exact opposite assumption.

Souls are inherently confident the problem is that fear and insecurity was added and layered on top of that confidence. Souls are inherently happiness and sadness depression is something that is gained or added. You inherently are honor shame is something that is acquired after the fact. Souls inherently have integrity it is when mal-adapted insecurities occur it can create amorality. Souls are inherent relaxed, it is merely that stress and tension were added.

The process of self-development is fundamentally then a process of uncovering/removing/letting go of “negative” things that were added and tainted the soul so to speak. The soul is inherently worthy on the inside although often we may not feel that way on the outside.

The distinction between what the core is on the inside, versus the ideas beliefs/thoughts/feelings we have of ourselves on the outside is critically important.

Judeo-christianity has really had a profound effect in this regard with the belief that man is inherent evil and flawed. It purports that grace is gained rather than something that is an inherent part of the self. It is not wonder that Darwinism and Freudianism philosophically take the same stance that nature is inherently flawed/selfish/brutish since the latter came out of the former.

To undo the damage of this style of thinking will require a paradigm shift in terms of how we understand and perceive the process of self development.

Emotionally speaking it would be analogous to wiping the mud off or energetically letting go of attachments to “negative” emotions. A process of uncovering the diamond and realizing your own inherent self worth.

The struggle is that the inherent goodness is buried quite deep in most people. In fact few are even consciously aware that it it exists deep within themselves because there is so much nasty stuff in the way that scares most people off. It is like we have to go through Dante’s hell followed by going up purgatory (from purging) mountain to get to heaven.

Purging is a good word and often those taking ayahuasca feel the vomiting helps facilitate emotional purging. Personally I find purging/dumping from the center of my being or the lower Dantien very effective.

Three-Dantiens

This is why the process of moving through negative/painful/unpleasant emotions is so important. It is only by going through them and getting to the roots that we can let them go.

The idea of “dumping” just like our body removes waste is incredibly important. Move through and than release so the inner light can come out.

Connecting and then nurturing those deeper feelings of self-worth and love are the next critically important step.

In summary the transformational process goes like this:

  1. Become aware of negative emotions as sensation in the body
  2. Move away from thoughts about “negative” emotion the reasons for it, blah, blah, regard it as pure energy instead
  3. Move into and through negative emotion to the root most acute part
  4. Then let it melt away, dissolve, dump it or purge
  5. Connect with the inner peace and then nurture and grow it

Nothing new is gained, merely what is, is brought forth from the depths of the inner self.

My Deepest wound

A reoccurring dream I keep having is that someone is chasing me and trying to kill. It always is a middle-aged/older man who is balding who is on the heavy set side. The most recent it was a bodybuilder then man/dragon and then a snake-man.

A dream I had the other night I was standing in a food-court and couldn’t make up my mind what to eat. Eventually I decided to get some Indian food, and I thought I could pick what I wanted instead the brown lady behind the counter just started putting stuff on many gross things as if it was a set plan. I knew I didn’t want to eat it, but couldn’t bring myself to tell her to stop.

Also recently I had another dream where a middle-aged/older man with graying hair who reminded me of a previous ISFJ boss who fired me, was getting me to redo some electrical wiring. I knew I really didn’t want to be doing these things or be there, but I felt compelled to follow his dictates.

Social anxiety has been the major force in many of my negative dreams. I have this outright fear to stand up for myself. I am terrified of being attacked. I feel small and weak inside at the very deepest core of my being. There is a hurt/fear there that I have spent a large part of my life in denial of. People have always found it surprisingly easy to be mean to me despite my stature/looks/ obvious intellectual intelligence. My ego reasoning mind can be fierce, but the inner infant in me is extremely vulnerable especially socially.

I realize now that my parents have the same issue, and probably their parents as well, if not almost everyone to some degree.

People have different ways of compensating for this kind of fear. The ego often becomes abusive/manipulative in order to cope. When a mother does that to her infant/child however it can be very damaging, and this is the kind of damage that is my deepest wound.

My therapist tried getting me to be angry, but somehow I feel it’s like a superficial response much like bullying or violence. I want the inner infant in me to be strong and powerful not my outer-self ego being superficially angry-strong and artificially papering over that inner child’s hurt.

I feel like anger does have it’s place but most humans make a terrible template for it because most people use anger to cover insecurities and fear. Perhaps the anger an animal exhibits is more raw and pure.

However I still feel like there is something I am missing….that there is something on an extremely deep level that has been covered up by a mountain/lifetime of denial that I need to repair. Denial is contagious and almost everyone engages it in some form or another.

I feel gratitude to have a gf that actively seeks and questions her very own denial, in similar vain and degree as myself.

I feel like I’m very close…I have Identified the primary issue and now how to learn to resolve it emotionally. How is it that I can strengthen and empower my inner child, and then up to all levels of my being/self?

 

 

 

 

 

INTJs are the bane of my existence

A bit overly dramatic post title. I could throw ESFJs and ISFJs in there as well.

Recently I got into an debate-argument with an INTJ I know on facebook. If there is one personality type that can make my blood boil it’s INTJs. ESFJs and ISFJs just scare me and put me on anxious edge. The reason I mention them is that I feel there is an underlying issue here in myself that needs to be resolved and I intend to find out what it is by examining these archetypal personality trigger types of mine. Incidentally I seem to get along really well with all other personality types.

All 3 appear to me to be incredibly stubborn and narrow-minded and bring out an inner resistance in me. They all trigger me into dissociation and out of my inner emotions into my rational reasoning mind. With ESFJ’s and ISFJs it tends to be just a freeze response. With INTJ’s my rational/reasoning hamster goes 1000mph.

Every time I attract these people to me I try to use my reasoning mind to figure out what’s happening and I get extremely defensive. Instead I need to tune into my emotional body. Doing this recently I discovered there is an incredible amount of fear there. It evokes a fear of loneliness, social rejection and fear that I’m wrong. I find the last one peculiar and interesting. Why is that at time I fear being wrong? What is it about being wrong that is so scary? I admit to sometimes even realizing it and still arguing my position even in spite of knowing it’s wrong just to be right.

It’s a deep kind of wounding pain to be wrong. It’s like someone there a spear at your gut and you just realized your going to die. I guess maybe that should be the queue that I am dealing with a survival belief. Most people don’t being wrong on little things, but big things that we stake the salvation of our soul as it were are pretty serious. And here again I could blame my Christian upbringing where the belief is that wrong belief could end you up in hell. It seems that on some level I emotionally still react/believe that way.

It’s like that childhood fear that you realized you lied to your parents, and if you were to die in the next second you might end up in hell for eternal suffering. However I feel it is more than that, that is that our deeper beliefs shape our ego and identity. And the threat of our concept of self being torn asunder abstractly may be worse.

At the very base of these fears is an underlying lack of trust in the self and the universe, I feel that in order to resolve these issues of mine I am going to have to learn to draw great strength from the deepest parts of myself.

Because of my unconventional beliefs I have become accustomed to being attacked my entire life. And this is not good. I have learned to just take a beating and not fight back. Violence even verbal has always seemed to me like a futile effort. I felt I could just reason my way to a better place.

Today I tried a new visualization exercise. I imagined I had curious/inquisitive friends that were remarkably intelligent that would help defend me and would support me in my beliefs.  That felt remarkably good so I nurtured that feeling. This seems to work well for me.

I used to think, I don’t need anyone, I can and will take on the world all by myself. My coping mechanism when assaulted was overtly-independent. I feel like I’m out on a limb, and often I have been. Instead I need to emotionally summon support form other aspects of myself from other people and entities and not go it alone with my ego/reasoning mind. I really think this may be the crux of my solution and why it is ISFJ, ESFJ and INTJ types trigger me so harshly. They are out on the overly  independent stand off-ish ego/reasoning mind limb as well, and I feel that they somehow are more secure than me when they are just as frightened but don’t even know it.

INTJs tend to be atheists and I feel they are the crowning achievement of independent ego based existence with ESFJs and ISFJs close behind.

On a psychic level I need to remind myself of the underlying cooperation at the universal level and feel that in a very real way as a supporting super strong foundation that empowers me on deeper levels. The ego has sometimes run away to far, and it needs to connect with other aspects so it doesn’t need to fear.

I need to relax into that feeling of communal support from the civilizations within me and cooperate and imagine more about cooperating with others to change the world.

Edit/Update: (20/03/2014)

Got into another discussion with an INTJ recently that left me feeling unnerved. This time it was a 65 year old woman –  INTJ….not some young punk.

There is something about INTJs combination of over-confidence, stubbornness and dogmatism that royally pisses me off. So I tried figuring out what shadow aspect of myself is it that I am butting up against.

I realized it’s their over-reliance on their intellect and their complete lack of connection to their emotions, inner-self and intuition. This is something I struggle with as well, as an ENTJ I often rely too much on my intellect. This often leaves me feeling powerless. The more I can connect with my emotions and allow it to supply information to my intellect the less INTj’s will be able to piss me off, for I will be conquering my shadow self in this regard.

It’s emotional connection to self that is my bane here and doubly so for INTJs.

Survival vs. fears

Recently I have discovered that fear really isn’t a core belief, but that it is beliefs around survival that are the source. I find it helps put our fears into context, understanding how they were formed in the first place. Seems most fears that people experience are social fears of some kind or another that are very strongly linked to our childhood experiences. Feelings of social exclusion at a really young age (less than 3 years old) are seen as a real threat to survival. It is from there that many of our mal-adaptive beliefs form, fear being the emotional result.

Some important insights I gained from therapy this last weekend is that while the why is important for context, an even more important aspect is how the fears feel in our body, and then being able to sense into that and then transition from the feeling of those fears by imaginatively overcoming them, and then feeling the joy and success in our whole bodies nervous system. It’s emotional alchemy, and initially require some conscious mind prodding, but eventually our emotions gain an intelligence of their own and transmute all by themselves as long as we give them continual awareness. It’s important to move through emotions especially negative ones, rather than around them. Our deep rooted survival/fear emotional beliefs won’t change unless we do that.

This is a pretty big deal for me because I obsess and RUMINATE about the why’s way too much.

My therapist put it this way.

The how will always lead to the why.
The why won’t necessarily lead to the how.

This is a new belief for me. A VERY important one.

Anxious dream

Last night I had anxiety inducing dreams about time again.

So normally I would try to forget my dream as fast as possible there by repressing the feeling of anxiety, only to have it bubble up at a later time with even more energy. I have often been terrified and scared of my dreams/subconscious mind, the however more I fear it…and repress it the worse it gets. Its like a bad LSD trip except I do it pretty much all the time with a lot of my negative emotions.

The solution as Somatic-therapy has taught is to really feel and go into every single Negative emotion I have, thereby transmuting it and allowing my mind to show me the erroneous belief that lies behind the negative emotion. Negative emotions are to be cherished for they are our GUIDE to helping us spiritually transform ourselves and evolving.
In regards to time, this morning I created a new screen saver that has written:
“I have all the Time in the world. Reeeeeeally RELAX into that…….FEEL it, SLOWLY.”

Dreams instead of being a source of anxiety for me, are now one of the most powerful tools I have at un-repressing and figuring out all my negative beliefs! How exciting! Cool

The following is a direct copy from my this mornings dream journal entry with reflections. My subconscious dream self, true to form, gave me more to work on, and this one is a biggy for me.

——
Tuesday march 6 2012 – 7:46am

I was at a Madonna concert with my gf, enjoying the music, tapping on m knee. There was a unused drum set on stage and Madonna asked me to come up and paly it, i waited abit than accepted and went up, sat down, everyone was lookingatg me strange. It was a single typmany like drum, she wanted me to keep a simple beat…(like my ENFPs drum class w/ kids). I screwed up on drum timming bad, but didn’t care much. After my cousin came up to me and told i played awful, i knew it and was ashamed. I did have anxiety, stage fright anxiety, similar to screwing up on notes when playing trumpet as a kid in church, the setting was very church like.

This is a very subtle pervasive stage fright like anxiety, i seem to carry with me throughout the day. I get it when going public places, I especially get it when making a phone call (lots of history there). Going into this anxious fear emotion, it transmuted to an aggressive relaxed like confidence, where my voice gets deeper and louder, and my actions become more pronounced. May need extra help with my therapist on this one, what is the underlying fear belief here, Mr subconscious mind? And what belief can i change it with?

Being in nature alone, i feel like im always being watched by a judging audience, the anxiety gives me a tight knot in my chest and stomach chakras throwing those energies into disarray, i dissociate from this stage, fright fear anxiety lots…every day perhaps and try to mask it with false logic mind confidence rather than emotional aggressive RELAXED CONFIDENCE. Appears in all public situations, Sitting in church having lots of people look at me, from behind and the side. Siting in the very front, trumpet area and having lots of people look at me from the front. What is the solution to this mr subconciosu emotion center? Sitting in any public place w/ people behind me. Movie theaters people kicking back of chair throwing popcorn, airplanes, school, classrooms! Always siting at back. With wall behind me. Gives me an upper back neck anxiety!!!! Tension!!! Bane of my fatigue/ tirednesss!!!!chest heart chakra knot in conjunction. Survival freeze like complex. Lots of tension..upper back/neck. its a social conforming anxiety, its very subversive…alomost always present even when alone, u know how u feel wierd making large noises at home alone.

Solution – Flow staff, to music really puts me in a state that eliminates this fear anxiety…sometimes unless i screw up and my staff goes flying. This fear anxiety is very mind belief based preventing me from emotionall tapping into the universal rhythym, why i cant keep beat on drum, LISTENING TO DRUMS/TRANCE/LOUD VIBRATING FULL BODY BASE IS VERY THERAP[UTIC ESPECIALLLY IF I FEEL IT EMOTIONALLY. IMAGINE LOUD BASS VBRATING ME OUT OF MY LOCKED BODY RESPONSE, DANCING IS ALSO THERAPUTIC………. DANCE WAS PRICISELLY INVENTED TO RELEASE THIS TYPE OF TENSION, THATS WHY EVERYONE MOVES SO DIFFERENTLY WHILE DANCNG, THEIR ALL RELEASING TENSION IN DIFFERENT WAYS STORED IN STRANGE UNIQUE WAYS IN TH BODY, DANCE IS MEANT TO EXPRESS AND RELEASE ITS BEAUTY COMES FROM THAT, DANCE MORE, EVERY MORNING TO RELEASE TENSION OF THE NIGHT, FEEL TENSION RELEASING, DANCE AGRESSIVELY RELLEASINGLY RELAXED WITH EMOTION, DRUM TOO LATER ON. FEEL BODY RELAX AFTER INTENSE DANCING. FLOW STAFF ISNT COREOGRAPHED… FREEDOM, …this is why exstatic dance is so strange, involves yelling growling…, DO NOT DISSOCIATE WHEN DANCING GO STRAIGHT ONTO PRESENTLY UNLOCKING EMOTIONAL CORE…TOO MANY PEOPLE DISSOCIATE from their bodies.

Tell the emotional confident truth when talking to strangers…not second guessing my every word like when talking to my parents…dissociation into logic mind. Instead flow freely from the heart. PUA GAME.

————

Inspiration for transformation – from Paul Coelho – The witch of portobello (book)
So there you have it, I feel more (daily) emotional centered dance may help with this one. I still haven’t figured out what my underlying erroneous belief is with this one, and how to replace it with a new one. If you have any creative ideas, please let me know.

———

After talking with my gf about this issue, I think we finally uncovered what the underlying erroneous belief is. And that is the belief i depend on external factors particularly people for my survival. Basically this is a childhood belief, ingrained into me by my parents and church/clan.

Now the opposite belief is “Not depending on others for survival”…but how to but that in positive terms without negation…

The positive way would be the belief is that I am self-sufficient in all manners and feel this emotionally and fundamentally am created to thrive.

Thrive being the opposite of survive.

The important thing with beliefs are that they are NOT behavior modification. You can change behaviors/actions all you want, but faking till you make it, wont work with deep underlying emotional belief issues. In fact by faking it or doing behavior mod you drive the emotions deeper underground.

As soon as you discover the underlying belief you can create a new one and that will in turn change your behaviors. We often mistaken behaviors for beliefs, but there is an important distinction. Feelings/emotional reactions are behaviors as well….predicated on beliefs. New beliefs need to be empowered by thought & emotion to be most effective.

Original overarching Personal Growth Area Analysis & Strategy

Dreams, Nightmares & Anxiety

My major problem area is my dreams/nightmares and associated anxieties.

Two Primary Anxieties – 1) Time and 2) Social Anxiety – linked to concern of what others think -Judgement(religious)

It appears most of my anxiety is related to time. my ego appears to be severely attached to time and outcomes in linear time, and expectations, and the continuity of my identity.

In terms of dreams and sleep I had severe insomnia in my ealry teens, racing mind couldnt fall asleep, clock watching, fatigue during the day…waking up early, anxiety of not having enough energy the next day. emotionally attached to time. theme of a lot of my dreams invovles attachment to time and outcomes, anxiety. Last relationship exasperated this.

Mother has issues with her nights.

Dad has anxiety problems.

Church had a large influence on me. Serious anxiety derived from the judgmental nature of hypercritical Christians. Constantly felt like I was being judged…and probalby was…while in church. I judged others as well, super judgmental atmosphere. Constantly worried about what other people think about me. Fear of judgment…related to the reason i became a christain fear of hell/eternal/pain via judgment. THe judgment is paralyzing dehabiliting, self inflicted via my own psyche. Need to let go…build confidence, INNER GAME, people want to make friends with me, instead of me with them and capitulating to their judgments!?

I believe I picked my parents for their particular problems because they reflect problems I need to work on.

My emotions take me for a ride. Basically run away with me. Can’t control them, rational part of mind shut down…Is this perhaps to teach me a lesson about how to deal with and control emotions?

When my head gets hot at night i tend to have nightmares. Direct heat to nightmare correlation. Look into controlling body metabolism? My body’s metabolism tends to go in high gear at night.

DMT trip the time issue!!

Went and saw my Mom’s trainer and therapist ….thinks most of my problems are related to my parents not Loving me for who I really am. Values differences and all. (these are primarily religious value differences) Strategy he gave me for the time issue is to imagine I have all the time in the world, for past current and future time anxiety issues.

Also on a much deeper level, due to my parents rejecting a core part of who i am, He thinks I dissociated from my body/ current reality into my head. I also developed in stead of a fight or flight response to stress (aka my parents) a FREEZE (trapped, dissociate into my head) response…as if when your in the forest on a walk and instead of running or fighting the bear,m you freeze and hope it never saw you. Animals such as Cats, rabbits do this as well. He thinks I revert to the freeze response too much and its my bodies programmed response to stress. I can validate this. The freeze response is something I have to look more into!

Freeze Response – http://www.myshrink.com/counseling-theory.php?t_id=85

Freeze, Flight, Fright or Fright – http://psy.psychiatryonline.org/cgi/content/full/45/5/448

Jungian Analyst explained to me that anxiety is a canoe you take from one land in the psyche to another land. Related to fear of the unknown…healthy anxiety…however I seem to be stuck at the border. What land I am coming from and going to I am uncertain of. (might have to do with the issue my therapist was talking about… religious?) My unconscious is defiantly trying to tell me something….. must record my dreams more, and reflect on them. Learn that language of my personal unconscious mind.

The wrath of God Fear…..that judgment anxiety…perhaps still lingers as a vestige….!?

An interesting point he brought up was that trying to control the ego, is ego itself!! I think I have issues with control as well, I may have masked them with behavioral changes…control is linked into insecurity & fear…..possibly linked to the time a kid tried choking me in gr.2? Hence my interest in Martial Arts. In greater terms i think all people with a strong Judging component from myer-briggs will have issues around control linked to their planning personality. Letting go, embracing uncertaintity having faith things will work themselves out is a good counter tactic. Taking a hard analytical look and leeting go of variables out of control, being judicious only to worry/think about variables where you DO have control. Yes? maybe even then relqunishing more? Also be more current more present with what needs need to be dealt with immediately, strive for presence vairable control.

Strategies:

  • Dream Recording…record all my dreams
  • Dream Analysis…analyze dreams for meaning and underlying themes,problems or anxieties/fears
  • Lucid Dreaming…in order to bring the rational mind into dreams (do this via WILD..supplements)
  • Drugs (shrroms,LSD,DMT,Ayahuasca) brings new insight into my shadow self subconscious mind (psychotheraputic)
  • Find Carl Jung psychologist – FOUND 3 IN my local city
  • Go for Somatic Therapy
  • Keep my head cool at night (built a water pump with tubes attached to eye mask for this)
  • Meditation…biofeedback Wildivine program…to help relax and control anxiety
  • My therapist Recommended to “Imagine you I had all the time in the world,” Relax, flow, drip into the earth in order to deal with time anxiety
  • FLOW STAFF/DANCE DAILY FOR 25MINS MINIMUM. This is my moving meditation, a way to stretch/relax my upper body, this is incredibly grounding, feels amazing on my body, better than Yoga or Massage.
The opposite of my social anxiety is pure raw confidence in all manners. Beware not to mask confidence…what is the underlying issue that will eliminate the anxiety, how to build and strengthen my confidence within myself? What should I focus on here…mantras??

Conversational – Social Issues & social anxiety

Problems:

  • Cutt people off talk over them
  • Read peoples emotions better, empathize with them more
  • when in a group include more people in a round robin way
  • introduce my gf to everyone i meet!!!!
  • approach more stranger and talk about random shit
  • assume everyone wants to be my friend
  • always be in set
  • freeze talk anxiety when meeting people
  • assume everyone remembers you
  • try to talk to as many people as possible
Must master social skills more!!!, best way to practice?!?
Partly stems back to childhood, teenage years, and first relationship, where I didnt have enough friends with similar interests, and had to quench my extroverted drive to talk about things I cared. Hence when I do find people that are somewhat care, I talk too much, trying to make up for lost time.
Another part stems from an inherent strength/weakness in my personality type. And that is a lot of the time I care more about ideas than I do people. To me an intellectual idea/concept takes precedent over peoples feelings/emotions or their opinions. Often I have key points in my mind that need to be covered going into conversation, and I will not deviate from the plan. I become emotionally attached to practical conversational outcomes.
My personality type is geared for planning, execution and practicality, not subjective talking/meandering/emotions. I can get into a zone, where all I talk about is an idea, and don’t monitor what the other person may be interested in, or NOT interested in. I have to let go more, allow conversational threads to hang, or drop, not finish every story or idea, forget about the most important point I was just about to make, go more with flow and listen more. Also watch and be aware of other peoples body language more, practice defaulting to a lower energy state and putting the onus on the OTHER to keep a conversation going instead of always taking responsibility for it.
Another thing I have to work on is vibe/energy matching. Too often I come into conversations with way too high of energy/curiosity. most people live rather more drab, and so I have to join them on their level. Also girls may think I am trying to hit on them if I constantly do this.
Analysis of Problems: yada,yada
Solutions: Learn to read micro expressions…have eckmans software for this
Issues tlaked about with Shaman Lady in Tulum
time thing …again pain a sliver…talked to Foxy about this….re-listen to audio post notes here
From main page
  • Striving for Dominant Present Time Frame
  • Deriving confidence from success`s/outcomes
  • Being too emotionally attached to outcomes…..creates planning worry/anxiety…time related
  • Emotionally detach from outcomes
  • Build confidence on inherent personality qualities instead of practical outcomes & success
  • Dreams Eliminating nightmares…via Lucid Dreaming & Time- Ego Breakdown