I have recently been having dreams where a man is after me to kill me and I am running scared for my life, in freeze response. I also try to kill this man sometimes, but nothing I do kills him. Spears and bullets through the body, decapitation, and even taking his brain out of his head.
What can’t you kill? And he seemingly can’t kill me either. This leads me to think this demon is an aspect of myself I have created. My gf asked why is he trying to kill me? It appears to me that he is trying to kill me for who I am, he is judging me. It’s not for anything I have done. The demon in some ways is a mock up of my parents, who don’t love me for who I actually am, and judge the very person I am and don’t accept it.
Which led me to think that the demon represents my personal judging of people, and specifically my parents and my mother. I judge them for judging me, and thus the demon grows stronger and haunts me in my dreams. It’s a vicious circle, that needs to be broken. I judge so many people also because of this, the christian church i grew up was steeped in this same kind of righteous judgment. I was brain washed with it at a very core level, and intellectually I have changed my ways………..and drove the emotional judging aspect of myself deep underground into a nefarious cavern where it silently grows stronger without my conscious awareness.
Upon meeting someone, my emotional body will level dozens of judgments against another person, I despise on a very rudimentary emotional level almost everyone I meet. Even though my intellect may be interested in said people. There is a schism between these social relational aspects of myself.
Some of the only people I don’t judge are people who are so broken down, crack/heroin addicts that they have nothing to hide. They almost have no social ego in a sense. I find I judge people most by how they are emotionally inauthentic. People who are hiding their true feelings, constructed walls and egos around their deepest emotions, people who are scared of their emotions, who live in insecurities and fear. This is emotionally draining, because it applies to nearly everyone.
What it also does, is reflect on my OWN lack of connection with my emotions and my fears, and insecurities and unwillingness to feel those negative emotions. The things I judge in others I judge in my self. The tricky part is this style of emoting is so programmed in, at such a deep level, it for the most part escapes my conscious awareness. I drain myself of energy and don’t even realize it. The ironic hypocrisy of it all. Yet that is the thing I hate the most about others…which incidentally creates the demon within me, and then I guess most other people also have similar demons inside them as well. Especially christains.
I need to emotionally learn to accept people for who they are, and appreciate them for who they are. I need to relax into that. Feel the judgments, then transmute the emotional energy to feel the serene acceptance. This will break the curse.
My gf and I both have issues around judging people. One of the reasons is we don’t trust them to help themselves. I don’t trust people to figure stuff out for themselves. My gf doesn’t trust people unless they have a verbally committed statement to help themselves, and even then she won’t trust them to objectively self observe and be aware of their blindspot.
The perfect person to practice this on is your mother, and something my therapist had me do. Trust that my mother could take of herself learn and grow. Wow i had emotional resistance to that at first.
If other people are merely a mirror especially if you have a knee jerk reaction to their behaviours it means I have an issue trusting myself. And here it comes to my emotions. My gf genuinely fears her emotions may kill someone, hence why she hates grey areas.
Last night I had a dream where someone was chasing me and trying to kill me and my gf with a bow and arrow. Prior to that my family was trying to destroy all the material things my gf and I possessed and my gf had gotten into a big fight telling off my family. My sister was insulting her, and then I would slap her and punch her to get her to stop. Then all these really grotesque thing, spiders, werewolves, and a red orb cess pool pod of spiders/no toxic fish in acid were coming out to threaten many people.
Yet somehow I survived all of that, and fought through it. When I woke I was very disturbed but the more I embraced the disturbed grossed out emotions, and worked through them and thus using things like a knife to kill the fish/spiders, the more I realized my emotions can be trusted to do the right things to insure my survival and thrive-al. In fact by the time i got out of bed its usually a mental/intellectual i-gotta-do-all-these-things-today type effort. Instead I let my emotional core in my body get me out of bed, and I felt much more energized despite having had a disturbing dream.
It’s gross creepy stuff I need to embrace and accept emotionally in my dreams as well as in real life and then trust my emotions to work through them. I got some insight from a new DaVinci show, where he does gross things without being emotionally grossed out. Once I do that I can literally feel it freeing up and unlocking diverted energy pathways!! It’s the root source to my chronic fatigue. The cool things is I can show this emotional work to my ego, and show it how it benefits from the additional energy, and then it will embrace this process where before it resisted.
If you don’t trust people to fix themselves, you don’t really trust the universe, and if the universe created you you can’t trust yourself.
My gf mentioned she trusts herself more than the universe…..what a paradox.
Seth is really big on trusting yourself especially your emotions. It’s most difficult with unpleasant personal emotions, but that is where all the growth lies. Distancing yourself from unpleasant emotions diverts energy to those areas leaving less for you.
Much of the self-distrust and thus outward distrust comes, form a mother who was not caring in the appropriate ways. A child crying and not cared for, or purposefully ignored and neglected WILL develop self esteem issues and thus self trust issues. This is the groundwork then for all subsequent limiting beliefs.
Seth makes a big deal about living in a safe universe, trusting the self and universe and appreciating the self and its accomplishments for these very reasons.
For me trusting my emotions to work through creepy feelings is important. If I can’t trust my own emotions to work through the unpleasantness I sure won’t be able to trust others peoples emotions to do similar types of things, and I will judge them.
If you are giving advice to someone and it doesn’t come from a place of emotionally relaxed outcome-independent space, its a huge red flag you are dealing with a similar issue. In all likelihood though its hidden inside yourself and it may take some work uncovering it. The ego loves to assert its authority and is very clever at tricking itself in these terms. It thinks it has some intellectual mastery over the advice you may be giving someone else, but the emotions you feel at the moment and if their not from a relaxed caring place will tell you the real truth.
P.S. I was much inspired from watching Denzel Washington in Flight last night. He piloted a plane did some truly scary stuff, but remained calm, calling it instinct. In it he is an alcoholic who tries to change his life. Watching an INFJ create a new unifying principle/framework to base their lives around is an awesome learning tool. The emotional/belief reorganization it entails is so clearly depicted. It offers a create template/blueprint. At the end, his son asks him, “Who are you?”
Which is interesting. The first thing that comes to my mind when someone asks that questions is that we are the sum of our experiences. Our ego particularly likes that narrative. This is why people when asked the question may list their educational achievements, job title, ethnicity, nationality, age, name, etc. However the personality has the ability to reorganize itself around entirely new unifying principles. This fundamentally changes identity, even for the ego, or especially most importantly. You really can become a very new person, very different from the one you were.
So when some asks “who are you?” you can point out you are/were many different people, even in the same lifetime and that the person you may be tomorrow may be very different. The question can not be answered. It request stability of identity when fundamentally there is none.