Tag Archives: INFP

The Defense mechanism that has a defense mechanism

It appears we all have insecurities we wear on our sleeves. They become a statement of our identity of our victim-hood. We rationalize their purpose as being “good” somehow in that it serves a critical purpose in moral righteousness and keeping us safe and pure.

Last night I discovered my one INFP-friend used jealousy. He actually defended his jealousy and said it was a good “natural” thing. He felt righteous in having it. The downfall is he couldn’t stay on facebook longer than 3 days, because he was overcome with jealousy to the point where it emotionally drained everything out of him. Also the uncertainty of online interaction and social conventions/expectations totally crippled him. He viewed everyone as caricatures of themselves insecurities covered up with false personas and incessant narcissism.

He defended his “right” to jealousy, in that to him it was a badge of his uniqueness. On one level he realized it was perhaps a “negative” insecurity but he didn’t care. Jealousy is a defense mechanism, and signifies that you are envious of other people leading lives and having things you desire yourself but feel powerless to create for yourself.

I told him if he was living his life in true accordance with his inner self and inner most desires that he would have everything he desired and jealousy would thus be impossible. In fact he would be happy for others. You can’t be happy for others if you are not happy for yourself.

My gf also an INFP also has an equally powerful defense mechanism. And that is negativity/hatred/anger towards other people.  When people don’t behave in accordance to her personal set of self-righteous values and standards, often when it even doesn’t directly affect her, it will incite great anger. Again seen form her perspective this is a righteous “good” pure anger that is most necessary in establishing high ideals and of course safety.

When I then critique her on her overt negativity, she defends her defense mechanism quite well and swiftly. To her it has kept her safe from her mothers dangerous boyfriends and all the dangerous things out in the world. To her it seems perfectly justified and if it’s excessive at times, well…she doesn’t really notice.

This sets up a dangerous baseline emotional blueprint. If for example my INFP-friend is not feeling jealousy in some amount throughout the day he will feel like somethings wrong, he will likely feel unsafe and maybe not even know why. Same with my gf, the negativity directed at other peoples way of being becomes this baseline emotion, that needs to be continually fed. If there isn’t something in her immediate social environment to ego-trip about then shell use a past memory or even make something up.

Everyone rationalizes their behaviors, when it’s obviously negative it should be a clear red flag something is deeply amiss.

So what is my defense mechanism I have defense mechanisms for? Probably excusing other peoples bad behavior. I learned to excuse my mothers emotional abuse of me, for my own survival. I defend other peoples insecurities all the while being terrified of them and thusly having judged them with disgust.

In many ways I am similar to my INFP-friend. My jealousy isn’t so much about the material things other people have, but the connection they have with friends. A picture of someone with their friends on instagram, will elicit a near instantaneous subconscious disgust reaction. The thing I desire most (connection) is also something I am often equally disgusted when I see it in other people. According to my therapist because my mother didn’t connect with me adequately, I resented connection outright.

It would stand to reason then I still needed her for my survival and thus I excused her bad “behavior” and rationalized it away in order to keep myself sane in the face of a clear lack of necessary empathetic connection.

That’s the thing about our defense mechanisms, at one point in our lives they kept us sane at the sheer injustice we felt being inflicted on us. The problem is that the defense mechanism becomes anticipatory and thusly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even more dangerously it becomes a beast we need to feed in order to feel like things are “normal”. If things get too good….something must be amiss we reason, so we then conjure up ghosts of the past to re-create that feeling of self-defense.

The secret to resolving these issues is partly as follows.

For my INFP-friend and his jealousy, he would need to start to learn how to feel good about the creative materializing abundance power in himself first, and then feel good and relaxed about other people when they create abundance for themselves.

For my gf and her anger-at-others-peoples-bad-behavior issue, she needs to start feeling good and relaxed about her own behaviors instead of righteous/justified in her actions/in defense of…;; and then begin looking and feeling good about other peoples good behavior.

For myself I need to learn how to feel good about doing what I want, and putting my own emotions first, and feeling relaxed about it instead of other peoples. Then I need to feel good when other people put themselves first in a relaxed manner instead of compromising themselves to other peoples emotional whims/needs.

I need to feel good about coming from my inner self and connecting emotionally from there with others. My entire way of relating to people, in terms of being overly invested in their emotional state and forgetting my own needs to change. I need to feel good and relaxed about voicing my own emotional desires and not worrying about it’s affects on others. And then feel good when I see others do the same thing.

Recently my gf and I have been watching the new TV show “From Dusk Till Dawn”. It is very much like most Quentin Tarantino movies in terms of style. An interesting thing I noticed is the main characters in the show typically have no mind filter. They are always stating out loud how they feel and what they desire in an aspergers fearless type way. The show takes what is normally very intense survival type situations and gives it this comedic overlay often injected at key intense moments. The effect is one of regulating intensity of emotion with humor. Very effective. The characters follow their hearts regardless of cataclysmic consequences and stay true to themselves.

The characters may do horrible things but at least they are doing horrible things with integrity and respect to themselves. In a strange way I find the characters forthrightness very therapeutic. It provides a good emotional template in that even in extreme survival situations the characters remain unusually calm, relaxed and true to themselves. Often even when they know they are going to die, or are in the process of dying.

I believe Quentin Tarantino is trying to teach himself through his characters a new way of being. I doubt he realizes he is even doing this. When we dream for example we feel that we merely one player among many, not realizing that dream character we are scared of or fighting we actually created to teach us a lesson about ourselves.

It is thus important that when we see traits in others we admire, we emotionally begin to embody that new emotional way of being for our personal benefit. Many people don’t take this simple little step. For example many people admire animals for their cuteness, but what they are really admiring is how present they are. Few take that opportunity to become and be like that animal and to embody the same qualities that make it “cute” in the first place.

Synthesis of ENTJ and INFP relationships

Last night I had a very profound dream. I was at a fancy dinner birthday party for Leonardo Dicaprio. Something happened with him and he went on a FarCry3 style shooting rampage killing many of the guests at the party. His girlfriend was injured and dying but somehow had no bullet wounds, and came over to me lying down and putting her head on my chest. She was amazed and in awe at how peaceful the energy was at my heart/chest chakra. She was so happy that she could be near my inner essence and connect with it before and as she was passing from this life.

I had this tremendous feeling of expansion and love as a stabilizing force emanating from  my chest that I became aware of as she did this. Several times in the last few months I have been babysitting my best friends puppy. I would take a nap in the afternoon and she would jump up on the couch and curl up between my heart and solar plexus chakra and go to sleep. She would go to the same place every time feeling safe and secure, much like the girl in my dream.

Often I don’t realize my own power, and it takes others to recognize it in me me before I became aware of it. I felt like my dream was trying to teach me a lesson to tune into this more as my central source of power and connection with myself and others.

Later in the evening myself and Leo started becoming good friends. I was a bit baffled as to why he would want to be friends with me but he had this vibe similar to an INFP friend of mine where there is the unspoken mutual admiration of who each other are at a deep level. This always surprises me and many times I’m not exactly aware of it. Growing up I never really had anyone that admired or appreciated me for who I am in this way.

Enter INFPs. My best friend and girlfriend are INFPs and many of my other friends are INFPs as well. Just being around INFPs it feels like there is this mutual understanding that occurs at an emotional level. INFPs appreciate me for my practical intellectual iNtuitive self. And I appreciate them for their robust emotional idealism.

In the Seth Material, Seth often makes the recommendation that humans should strive to be like the “Practical-Idealist”. I feel that the ENTJ-INFP relationship dynamic is something that fosters that in the ultimate kind of way.

For me the most important lesson and learning from INFPs is being emotionally centered in myself. There is a safety/security a type of stability and practical emotional framework in myself that INFPs desire. I have to recognize and nurture my own strength and use that as my healthy attractor for meaningful relationships.

As a kid my mother appreciated me for my cognitive intellect and this is something I learned to take pride in and build up my self-esteem and self-worth around. Then for most of my life I have used that as a template to form connections and relationships with people on this superficial ego-type level.

The most important aspect in connection and relationships is not so much what you say/think, but rather how you feel and where those emotions are coming from. With some people in some friendships, silence is awkward. But when both people tune in to their emotions, there is a level of appreciation and communication that transcends the mind/ego. A deeper more meaningful connection is forged.

Addicted to the reasoning mind

Last night my gf and I were talking about this and I think it something we both fall prey too. In some ways it’s a greater human issue as well.

My gf being a natural INFP and having a natural curiosity ABOUT emotions and relationships can get herself caught wondering WHY is that she is feeling a given emotion, and the why for the why to infinity. There is a detriment to this kind of reasoning/intellectual curiosity for quickly it can become about the reasons for the reasons, and then the reasons for the reasons for the reasons, to the point where you are lost in the reasoning mind and have effectively forgot about the emotion in the first place.

The reasoning mind is important but often it’s power is abused and not properly balanced with just plainly moving from one emotion to another. There is a very important distinction here between intellectual curiosity about emotions and emotional curiosity about emotion. The first when dealing with negative emotions will land you in an endless realm of rationalization and ultimately a victim/blame dynamic. The second examines emotions purely on the sensational level, in fact it may be good to put the reasoning mind on hold, and just go into a state of sensation examination. Coming to your senses as it were.

It really is about sensational curiosity and inquiry in the body more than anything. This is an incredibly important skill to learn for it is what makes you present. Too many people are lost in their heads and thoughts contemplating intellectually about how they feel rather than examining emotions themselves purely on an energetic level. This is where people low on the IQ scale have an advantage, their intellectual mind is not as much of a crutch to being lost in rationalizations.

The key to emotional mastery is the ability to transition from one emotion using sensations to another. Finding out the reason for why you have a given negative emotion is good. However 90%+ of the time on a day to day basis it’s not necessary. Understanding the why’s and the reasons is important but not all-important. Ideally a balance or synthesis is struck between the reasoning mind and the emotional felt sensations in the body. In order to break the vicious hold the ego/reasoning mind has on a person, you may need to swing far to the other side to compensate initially.

 

The INFP/Mom & ENFP connection & Religious distrust of the world is a self-fulfilling prophecy

Had an awesome talk with my gf this morning and figured out some incredible things about myself.

I had a dream last night that involved a lot of generalized social anxiety & feelings of creepiness associated with it. The creepy feeling is re-current as well. In any case I began thinking about nervous system templating and why I have these social anxieties filled with dissociation/disconnect from people combined with a lot of personal inner emotional turmoil.

This is an area of life where unbeknownst to most people….even myself to a degree, where I wear 2 masks. One is the friendly courteous helpful towards strangers and people in general, and the other is a generalized feeling of distrust/anxiety/fear in regards to strangers/the world.

You see cognitively/intellectually I have created a schism with my emotions, where it appears on the outside I am kind helpful and socially well adjusted, and integrate with relative ease. I have BEHAVIORALLY trained myself to be like that, however on an emotional level i pour out wrathful judgments, disgust, disdain, contempt, distrust on the overwhelmingly vast majority of strangers/people/the world. There is a disconnect between my mental mind and my emotions. A big one….. which creates internal strife and disharmony which when I sleep and my cognitive mind subsides my emotions in regards to social situations all the negativity the fear/anxiety and judgments come pouring out like a damn bursting.

Now where did these negative core social beliefs/anxiety first come from? For that I look to my mother and oddly enough HER mother or my grandma. In Somatic-therapy there is something known as emotional neurological templating. It is something everyone does, usually off their primary caretakers. My grandma died when I was about 13, and from what I remember about her as a person was that she was seemingly in a state of perpetual misery, (she was an ISFJ) and had a great distrust for the world. She would read the newspaper daily and lament about how the world was going to hell. She had a general anxiety and fear of the world….socially speaking, and its no surprise my mom templated off her this fear/anxiety and then I templated it off my mother. The sins of the father get passed down, or in this case mothers as it most often is, since mothers care more for kids than dads, thus children template off them more. So in those terms the ills of societies (also the good things) ride on the female mothering kind.

My grandma was around a lot when i was growing up, considering she lived a 5min walk away from my home. She was over several times a week helping my mom and helping raise me. Both my mom and grandma had a religious driven fear and distrust of the world at large, an anxiety, a judgmental, a disdain, contempt. These two women were my dominant caretakers, growing up, and I templated off them emotionally. My dads way of dealing with most things is to dissociate intellectually from uncomfortable emotions, so i templated that off him as well. So this is my foundation/roots, in terms of my root core emotional beliefs. My best friend/cousin growing up, Tim, also was raised in a similar way and reinforced a lot of this.

As i grew up and began reading eckhart tolle, joseph murphy , channeled material, i cognitively/intellectually re-wrote a lot of those negative beliefs, so that to the common person I came across I was behaviorally fairly positive. However the emotional part was neglected/suppressed and my nightmares continued to get worse as I dissociated from my emotional body even more. There is a clear disconnect with the way i behave and appear in public, and how i feel deep down on the inside….to this day.

Now comes the cool part. My powers of attraction have brought me the tools I require, and to some degree haven’t realized it. My mom is an INFP. A hallmark of introverted, big picture feeling, is the negative emotions often get blanketed across the world and can create great internal despair. Or in my case GENERALIZED social anxiety/fear of people/world.

When I first met depressed-friend, he was in self imposed deep state of depression and felt there was something majorly wrong with the world and was ready to jump of a bridge. I identified with him strongly in terms that he represented in a new emotionally detached way the core way of being that both my mother and grandma had. Thus depressed-friend represented a reflection of aspects of myself to me, of parts of myself that were deeply repressed. As you may know depressed-friend is an INFP as well. I attracted depressed-friend (and vice versa, as always) in those terms in that it gave me a way of externally seeing what was going on in myself. I recognize that now. (side Note aspergers-friend, represented my intellectual side gone to an extreme)

The second INFP I attracted was sage-friend. Now sage-friend is in many ways the exact opposite of my mom, grandma. He inherently appears to trust the world, trust nature, trust himself, trusts his emotions, sees the positivety in most people, etc. Sage-friend in juxtapoistion offered me new paths off of which I could emotionally and neurologically template off of. As an amazing new friend he is helping me rewrite my core beliefs and assumptions about the world and strangers to positive ones. Funny thing is he probablly isn’t even aware that he is helping me in those terms.

The next INFP to come into my life in a huge way is my gf. Now when I met my gf she was recently coming out of a personal state of depression, in some ways she marked the transition from negative to positive. Her way of dealing with things emotionally, and the integrity behind those emotions combined with a generalized trust of herself/feelings and nature was a powerful new template for me. On my 2nd mushroom trip, where I went deep into a land of emotional social fear/anxiety, having my gf by my side to hold emotional trusting integrity was an incredible positive anchor point. Both my gf and sage-friend continue to this day to be my best sources to emotionally template off of, and rewrite these fear/anxiety core beliefs ingranined in me by my mother.They continue to be the most positive forces in my life and I hope I can return the favour in kind.

Other earlier INFPs that also provided a positive template was my flower-friend as well as photographer-friend.

Now come the ENFP’s. The people who seek harmony among people and seemingly harbor no negative fears/anxieties/feelings/judgments to society at large. These people have recently also been my best friends and played an integral role in my life and helping me reprogram myself. They are my brother Anthony, South africa-friend, tribal drummer-friend, kiteboarder-friend, gypsy-friend, buddha-friend, class mate ukie & Filipino. These people are very good at trusting and being positive/non-judgmental of people at large, and offer me massive benefit and emotional learning opportunity. I need to be more empathetic with them and template off them more as well.

I find it utterly amazing that most of my dominant friends over the last while are INFP’s & ENFP’s (who combined account for only 4% of the population) all there to help me create new emotional paths/beliefs within myself. The power of attraction is awe stunning. My task now is to really empathize with these people and to adopt their emotional states and integrate them into myself. I have all these amazing teachers in my life and haven’t appreciated them enough.

Another strategy my therapist had, was for me to imagine as if say my mother and father/grandma had raised me in a different way, one that had the attributes i desired. At first i thought it was not possible, but he insisted I do it. This process rewrites your past, emotionally neurologically and can help you rewrite your beliefs. In effect changing the past as Seth puts it, in order to empower yourself in the present going forward.

All these people I have attracted to myself provide positive anchor points. They help me create peace within myself, to trust more and judge less. To be emotionally relaxed with people and the world, that I may bring out the best in them, by bringing out the best within me.

Taking this one step further as you know I have been having issues with chronic fatigue. It’s as if my body & mind WANT to go to sleep, so that the intellectual/logic part turns off, so that I can dream, and release these negative emotions, and also so that they can inform me about what’s going on in myself, so that i may fix it.

My new belief is: I TRUST MY EMOTIONS, I TRUST MYSELF, I TRUST THE WORLD, I TRUST ALL THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. Relax and feel into that!

p.s. I trust my dreams.