Tag Archives: witch

Trip Report #8 – Marijuana

Substance: 2.5 – 3 puffs of Marijuana smoke from a small pink bong

When: End of Sept, 2015

Time: Evening

Participants: my gf Miss. Pouncy, myself

Location: Miss. Pouncy’s Bedroom

I have never been high on weed before in my life. Which may seem strange given all the other psychotropic drugs I have tried. I have had 1-2x tokes of a joint before earlier, but to no effect. I had been curious about weed, but never really drawn to it. Having witnessed many of my friends and acquaintances using it before, they seemed to just use it to check out…..I wasn’t interested in dissociation. I had thought of taking it to relax and soothe some of the anxiety I felt but didn’t want to get hooked.

Miss. Pouncy had used the stuff liberally in the last couple of years. She however used it as a spiritual tool to go deep into her emotions and explore other dimensions of energy. Never before had I met someone who used weed like someone might use mushrooms.

I was a bit nervous to be sure, things with Miss. Pouncy were already pretty psychedelic without the use of drugs. She eventually wanted to use it as a tantric aid to increase sensuality during sex so I was sold. I had heard about this before from David Jay Brown and was curious.

Needless to say my experience with weed was unlike anything I Imagined it would be. The effects happened within one minute of inhalation. I first realized I had an almost super sense of the sensations in my body, much like mushrooms. Time also slowed downed dramatically and it felt super psychedelic…without fractals and visuals however. Miss. Pouncy got giddy watching me observing the effects taking place in my body. I however didn’t share in the amusement. I didn’t particularly enjoy the new sensations and what I would call my loneliness anxiety began to take hold.

Marijuana for me was extremely close in nature to my LSD experience. In many ways the trip was almost synonymous in its overall feel.

I sat on the bed as Miss. Pouncy asked me how I was feeling. At first I denied the anxiety, but she persisted and once I confessed she put her hand firmly on my heart and stared into my eyes for about the next hour or so, as I dived gently into the anxiety.

The thing the was causing me the most anxiety was the feeling of being merged with my entire environment. There was again as in my previous trips this overwhelming feeling that I am God and I am creating my entire reality. There was no real distinction between myself and my surroundings. I felt subsumed by it, lost and lonely in my own creation. I lost my center and my identity to a large degree. It was quite frightening to my ego.

The only thing that didn’t fit however the merging experience was Miss. Pouncy. Her hand on my chest and her eyes staring deep into my soul brought some measure of relief. I didn’t feel like I was creating her, she definitely played a part in creating herself. She also seemed quite alien, quite other than, different than me, mysterious and that helped reinforce the sense of separation and thus my identity. I felt safer. Without her direct presence the trip may have gone into extreme loneliness like virtually every one of my other trips had.

It now felt like her and I were two powerful Gods and she that had somehow found me in the abyss. In fact it felt like her feminine energy was pulling me out of the masculine abyss of chaos. It felt like she was gently pulling on my energy field, pulling on strands and strings and helping me coalesce into a higher dimension of being. I felt like I was in hell and she was in heaven pulling me out. I got a distinct imaginary visual of this, as if she were reaching across a vast multidimensional chasm.

chasm

Her face seemed so very familiar. It aroused memories and I felt like I had seen her before perhaps on all my other trips and she had pulled me out. I had merely forgotten. I feel like I had known that face for thousands if not millions of years before.

This dynamic then took on proportions of a divine nature. The attractive forces between the divine feminine and the divine masculine. Miss. Pouncy has this incredibly powerful feminine quality about her that has a really soothing and nurturing effect. I had experienced this viscerally once (not on drugs) before on her massage table as she did witchy-poo energy work on me. Watching her walk around the table her visage changed she seemed like a female druid and I was a male druid and we had done this before many thousands of years ago. It felt like she was with great reverence fine-tuning my energy field. I could feel her pulling on it like a cosmic web.

That same feeling was evoked on the trip except now it took on cosmic proportions. The depth of her being seemed to reach so far back and inwards I could not locate it’s source. This mesmerized me. It felt like infinite adventure, mystery and discovery awaited me in the depths of her being. This was comforting and again affirmed my individuality. There was such love and compassion in her eyes I could scarcely take it in or absorb it.

There is a passage in the book Kundalini – Evolution and Enlightenment edited by John White (pg.27) from the first chapter by Swami Rama that perfectly describes the greater spiritual aspects of my experience. In fact it felt like this was the purpose of our relationship and that it had been so for millenia.

“According to this ancient philosophy, the entire universe is a manifestation of pure consciousness. In manifesting the uni- verse, this pure consciousness seems to become divided into two poles or aspects, neither of which can exist without the other. One aspect retains a static quality and remains identified with unmanifest consciousness. In tantra this quality is called Shiva, and is conceptualized as masculine. Shiva is depicted as being absorbed in the deepest state of meditation, a state of formless being, consciousness, and bliss. He remains for the most part aloof from and uninterested in manifesting the universe. Shiva has the power to be, but not the power to become or change. He has no power to act or to manifest. He is the power holder, but has no energy in his own right. Nevertheless, consciousness as the power that builds the world is based on and arises out of this consciousness as being.

The other part of this polarity is a dynamic, energetic, or creative aspect that is called Shakti, the great mother of the universe, for it is from her that all form is born. Shakti is the subtlest of created things. She manifests herself as the entire universe including matter, life, and mind.

These two principles are united, but in the manifest world an illusion of separation is created between pure consciousness and its manifestations. Shakti is a projection of consciousness that veils the consciousness from which she was projected, in the innumerable illusory manifestations (maya) that she brings fond and that we call the universe. The scriptures say that when karma ripens, Shakti becomes desirous of creation, and covers herself with her own maya.

The creation of this illusion is called involution, for we find consciousness involving or folding over itself. As a result of this involvement it seems to become complex, bipolar, and formed. After aeons of time, when the universe is dissolved, it is drawn or recollected into that Shakti that produced it. This latter process is known as evolution. It is a further stage of development in which consciousness becomes uninvolved with its manifestation.”

My reality had this extreme presence to it. I felt like I had entered the eternal moment of now. Aspects of my ego resisted this quite strongly. There was a safety in being “lost” in thoughts in the past or most often in my case the future. No matter what I thought it was talking place in the eternal moment of now. Even writing this now fills me with a certain sense of anxiety about the nature of fundamental reality.

I didn’t feel ready to accept the burden of responsibility of creating my environment in such a complete and total way. Again my ego was scandalized at the it’s own power and godhood. I wanted to run away from the trip back to the comforts of illusory reality. My ego takes great comfort in the illusions, as it gives me a strong sense of self.

On the other hand I knew I must take marijuana again, except a much smaller dose. It was important that I gain mastery of this new found environment and power. I realized it would take me some time, but eventually I would exist in that timeless space all the time once I had evolved sufficiently.

I got this great feeling of conspiracy. That forces inside and perhaps outside and in the world had conspired to subversively bring marijuana into my awareness. Every pot head friend I had, every time I saw weed mentioned in the media, it was all put there deliberately to entice my curiosity for the drug. I didn’t like this realization it seemed like a paranoid conspiracy aimed at the liberation of my consciousness from illusion, like some great secret that had been in front of my nose for so long.

It didn’t make sense to my rational mind, were all these millions of people who used weed somehow these super advanced souls that had secretly accessed this godlike state of being? Did this mean that being godly would be like being high all the time, like some of my friends were? Then why were many of their lives such a mess? It didn’t make sense. I knew somehow that my experience with weed must be unique, it just didn’t feel like it for some tricky reason.

Wounded Inner goth child dream

I took an evening nap and woke up from a rather disturbing dream.

In it there was a chick that reminded me of multiple redneck white trailer trash chicks I vaguely know. Two in particular. Natalie and Heather. In any case this girl was walking i a 30 foot circle around a kind of island like structure. She was walking in water that first started really shallow only a couple cm deep, but then slowly started to get deeper. Once it reached a certain depth and she had walked enough circles ritualistically it would be game, over a bomb would go off or something kill everyone.

It was my mission to stop her by killing her, but I couldn’t touch her or go near her. She could fight back from the confines of her path. And who knew what powers she had.

What I tried doing was taking a large vibrator/massager and throwing it in turned on with the power cord connected to electrocute her through the water. This didn’t work. The water level began rising and she started bleeding out the sides of her mouth and becoming more diseased and deathly zombie like. I wanted to put her out of her misery and she wanted me to as well, so i tried an extension cord next. This still didn’t work. I became more scared and disturbed by her increasing grotesqueness and the water level rising and the impending doom by the moment.

Eventually she finished her witch like cycles and nothing happened, to both her and my surprise. She came up to me, more herself now but still gross, confused as to why I couldn’t kill her because the last time it was done she died successfully when someone else had to kill her via electrocution.

A little later on I was standing talking to my mom and my gf. The girl came over still a bloody and diseased mess. I felt bad for her. She came to me, and gently rested her head on my back. I had sympathy for her…and was simultaneously drawn to comfort her but also disgusted by her and new she was unpredictable and skitzy. Also she was ruining my nice white sweater with her blood. She left, and my mom and gf were super pissed at me for having felt sympathy for her. Which made me rather annoyed with them. So I left.

Took off the now bloody/diseased sweater but, hung onto it so i could wash it. I also felt somewhat attached to it, and the mess on it, for it still connected my sympathy to the girl.

Then I began packing my things. Again I had too many things to carry and had difficulty fitting them all into my bags. This time a plastic bag and a backpack. And maybe a few others. I was moving form this place I had stayed for a few nights, and I tried enlisting my brother to help me, who didn’t really want to and half ass helped me.

Then I woke up, with feeling very disturbed and disgusted particularly across my chest. I then began thinking about my dream characters and thought if I create my dream characters then they are a manifestation of myself.

The diseased/bloody girl represented my inner child. I was trying to distance and kill my own inner child with my energy/electric power, through the emotion of water. My inner child is so terrifying battered and bruised and diseased and bloody, and it has been walking in circles for a very long time confined to a ritualistic circle walking. I feared that my inner child might kill me.

In real life there are certain broken like girls I come across that then remind me of my inner child that elicit instant sympathy for me. I then also used to have the compulsion to try to save them …in order to save myself. My inner child is dark like witch/Gothic dark, repressed into a black dungeon. I guess this would explain my almost masochistic like desire to that world. I have a thing for goth/tattoo chicks and now I know why.

In real life my mom and gf also get pissed at me when these girls get my attention, it triggers their survival that I am attracted to people so obviously screwed up, as if they will somehow take me away from them and corrupt me. Which begs the question why is my mom and gf so terrified of the exteriorized representations of my inner child, and what the hell are their inner child’s like!?!?

I really resent their judgments of me in those moments, although I do kinda get where they are coming from. But it still pisses me off, because by resenting and being disgusted and judging these girls I feel they are doing the same to my inner child.

I am at the point now where I realize my compulsion to save them is unhealthy, I really need to save myself, but I am still somewhat mesmerized by my own reflection in them. I think thi because I have been so god damn successful at suppressing my inner child and all the emotions it uses to try to contact me.

When I woke up I allowed myself to exist with those emotions of dread for a long time perhaps 20 minutes before allowing them to slowly dissolve. It’s exhausting work physically and emotionally. But I must work through this repression, so i can move beyond it. I have to start caring about my emotional needs. This has to do with my early childhood needs. I don’t even know my own needs because I have repressed them.

The repression factor was initially instigated by mother who didn’t care about my needs, and only hers. This was perpetuated by my old gf, and my new gf now but to a much lesser degree. It’s the law of attraction that if i don’t know/care about my own emotional needs I will attract others who won’t either, and when I do begin to, they will lash out at me as happened in my dream and engage in passive aggressive like repression tactics like i do to my inner child.

The goal here is that I need to begin listening to my inner child/self what it’s asking for and to stick up for it, despite the resistance It may garner. I have to stay true to myself, and stop resisting my inner self/child so much as well. I do this by listening to my body and emotions more often. And paying attention to, and writing down my dreams. I haven’t done that enough recently.