After talking with my gf I figured out the main sticking point for me in terms of boundaries. The two most influential people in my life growing up ages 0-18 was my mom and my best friend/cousin growing up. Both were incredibly emotionally manipulative in slightly different yet similar ways. My mom uses the threat of anger/emotional dissaprovement, becoming upset to get her way and passively aggressively manipulate a social situation. It’s how she likes to get attention as well by bringing up dramatic stories with emotions that would frighten(manipulate) most people into a kind of social submission. I would often deal with it semi-rationally by dissociating or letting her toxic emotions affect me but suppressing it as a survival tactic for fear of more negative emotions being created by her.
I then used similar types of tactics when dealing with my cousin-friend. Cousin-friend is an ISFP and has an emotionally volatile mother that is an ESFJ. He had a very dark/disturbing sense of humor and said offensive things in order to release negative built up emotions. He did this often and even if I found it offensive I didn’t say anything because he always maintained plausible deniability behind his toxic emotions, such as “I’m just joking” or “I’m not being serious” or “It’s not a big deal.” or “chill out”. Using plausible deniability to mask toxic and negative emotions is incredibly emotionally manipulative! It is very similar to passive aggressiveness my mom and ex-gf had and something I haven’t learned to deal with very well. These negative tendencies tend to be the hallmark’s of the “SF” combination. Minor petty manipulative strategic emotions hidden behind the veil of plausible deniability and/or passive aggressiveness.
My first and natural response being an “N” is to consider people with odd little emotional quibbles as insignificant issues and to just to ignore/them and shrug them off and not waste my precious time. However this for the most part is the WRONG thing to do and a terrible suppressive coping-type rationalization response. When those people learn they can get away with minor things, they will keep doing them and a lot of minor things will begin to add up to big things. A good analogy is death by a thousand cuts vs someone coming at you with a knife. A person coming at me with a knife, like a angry “NF” I can deal with, it’s all out in the open, and the emotion is transparent with no double meanings or plausible deniablity/passiveness. My NT mind can grasp it and formulate a response quick; bring it on motherfucker! However it’s the small little emotional negative things that people do that get under my skin and largely go undetected/unconfronted. The small things matter, don’t let them slide!
Having both my mother and my best friend growing up and then my following ex-gf be masters of emotional manipulation is like the universe hitting me with a massive cosmic 2×4. YOU NEED TO LEARN HOW TO DEAL WITH THIS! I have been battling this all my life, no wonder my dreams are filled with social anxiety. Well I got the message loud and clear now. This is some pretty epic spiritual growth.
I am really going to have to pay attention to any “SF” combinations and call them out on the small snide emotional things they do. My gf has mastered this to a large degree already so i can learn a lot from her. And the best way to confront other peoples petty emotions is with a strong emotional response myself. I have to empower my logic with my emotions. (My gf is learning the opposite by empowering her emotion with logic…opposite compliments) Most of the social anxiety I experience in my dreams at night is a result of “SF” like petty emotions of others. I really got a grip on this, and call people out on their minor manipulative bullshit, using my emotional anger/rage/strength/aggressiveness boundary enforcement.
I also think if I detect people with negative emotions around me I am going to tell them out loud as a statement of fact what their feeling. This way things won’t be passive aggressive hidden. If people aren’t being transparent or authentic to call them out on it. Set a new standard for myself, and how people are allowed to act around me.
Heroic Mastery 