Today I had an experience where being around my mother was activating me. She had the emotionally needy, sympathize/empathize pay attention to me, me vibe. This put me instantly at dis-ease, and I was trying to fight it to no avail. After I had that creepy/disgusting/gross feeling.
My first impulse is to tell my mother to stop behaving and being like that. But I know if I tried that it would her only worse. I need to change my emotions and not let hers control/manipulate me. This is difficult because my ego wants to blame the trigger, namely her.
What I realized is that I need to completely change the way I relate to her. I need to STOP relating to her as my mother and start relating to her as a child when she is being that way. I need to take her off the authoritarian parent/mother pedestal, and emotionally relate to her as a needy 3 year old child. The thing I asked myself is how would I most beneficially relate to a child that was behaving that way? And that is by saying “it’s ok” here is a better way to feel. To teach a child how to properly transition through emotions, you have to provide a comforting relaxing template. You have to demonstrate. Relaxing secure emotions are the authority here. Not age, or relational order.
A child is quite helpless and does not have the intellectual capacity to engage in Cognitive behavioral changes or fake it till you make it. HAHAHA, try telling an infant to fake being relaxed happy and content and tell them their emotions will surely follow. Lol try that on your cat! (animal relations work similar, it’s all emotional)
Dumb people talk at animals, smart people vibe with animals. (my gf completely disagrees btw, lol!)
In the same way emotions do not follow logic in those terms. Emotional communication and templating is far richer and experiential. But first one needs to change their beliefs about their parents. Knock them off the pedestal, relate to them as a helpless infant, and be the template for secure relaxed emotions. This is the most compassionate empathetic kind of care you can possibly give some one. Your own relaxed centered and secure emotional presence.
Most people (99%) are walking around the world looking to template off other people, so they can gain the emotional framework they never received in childhood. The problem is the other 99% also are looking for the same thing since they didn’t receive it. Thus most people you will probably have to at the most strenuous of times relate to them as infants, provided YOU can go into a state or relaxed emotional ease. Realizing this should provide you with the encouragement to make this your default mode from where you operate from.
The more someone is in their ego the more you need to be emotionally relaxed and present and secure in yourself. You can tell by how strong someone is in their ego based on the forward intensity of their facial expression. When the brow is furrowed, when a person is thinking very deeply, when a person is focused very much on their thoughts or ideas, the more they are centered in their ego. People who are highly intellectual or highly emotional will have that same furrowed expression on their face. Their head is usually protruding forward, eyes slightly bulging.
An emotional relaxed state is one where, the head is back and aligned with the spine, the head is tilted slightly up instead of down, they eyes are relaxed and the eyelids droop a bit, the forehead and brow is smooth, the neck muscles are relaxed, and the person is very relaxed in their posture and the eyes are playfully present instead of seriously present. This is the state you want to achieve when your mother is upset and stressed out. This is a most challenging task for most people.
Heroic Mastery 