Judgement and Disgust

I have recently been having dreams where a man is after me to kill me and I am running scared for my life, in freeze response. I also try to kill this man sometimes, but nothing I do kills him. Spears and bullets through the body, decapitation, and even taking his brain out of his head.

What can’t you kill? And he seemingly can’t kill me either. This leads me to think this demon is an aspect of myself I have created. My gf asked why is he trying to kill me? It appears to me that he is trying to kill me for who I am, he is judging me. It’s not for anything I have done. The demon in some ways is a mock up of my parents, who don’t love me for who I actually am, and judge the very person I am and don’t accept it.

Which led me to think that the demon represents my personal judging of people, and specifically my parents and my mother. I judge them for judging me, and thus the demon grows stronger and haunts me in my dreams. It’s a vicious circle, that needs to be broken. I judge so many people also because of this, the christian church i grew up was steeped in this same kind of righteous judgment. I was brain washed with it at a very core level, and intellectually I have changed my ways………..and drove the emotional judging aspect of myself deep underground into a nefarious cavern where it silently grows stronger without my conscious awareness.

Upon meeting someone, my emotional body will level dozens of judgments against another person, I despise on a very rudimentary emotional level almost everyone I meet. Even though my intellect may be interested in said people. There is a schism between these social relational aspects of myself.

Some of the only people I don’t judge are people who are so broken down, crack/heroin addicts that they have nothing to hide. They almost have no social ego in a sense. I find I judge people most by how they are emotionally inauthentic. People who are hiding their true feelings, constructed walls and egos around their deepest emotions, people who are scared of their emotions, who live in insecurities and fear. This is emotionally draining, because it applies to nearly everyone.

What it also does, is reflect on my OWN lack of connection with my emotions and my fears, and insecurities and unwillingness to feel those negative emotions. The things I judge in others I judge in my self. The tricky part is this style of emoting is so programmed in, at such a deep level, it for the most part escapes my conscious awareness. I drain myself of energy and don’t even realize it. The ironic hypocrisy of it all. Yet that is the thing I hate the most about others…which incidentally creates the demon within me, and then I guess most other people also have similar demons inside them as well. Especially christains.

I need to emotionally learn to accept people for who they are, and appreciate them for who they are. I need to relax into that. Feel the judgments, then transmute the emotional energy to feel the serene acceptance. This will break the curse.

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My gf and I both have issues around judging people. One of the reasons is we don’t trust them to help themselves. I don’t trust people to figure stuff out for themselves. My gf doesn’t trust people unless they have a verbally committed statement to help themselves, and even then she won’t trust them to objectively self observe and be aware of their blindspot.

The perfect person to practice this on is your mother, and something my therapist had me do. Trust that my mother could take of herself learn and grow. Wow i had emotional resistance to that at first.

If other people are merely a mirror especially if you have a knee jerk reaction to their behaviours it means I have an issue trusting myself. And here it comes to my emotions. My gf genuinely fears her emotions may kill someone, hence why she hates grey areas.
Last night I had a dream where someone was chasing me and trying to kill me and my gf with a bow and arrow. Prior to that my family was trying to destroy all the material things my gf and I possessed and my gf had gotten into a big fight telling off my family. My sister was insulting her, and then I would slap her and punch her to get her to stop. Then all these really grotesque thing, spiders, werewolves, and a red orb cess pool pod of spiders/no toxic fish in acid were coming out to threaten many people.

Yet somehow I survived all of that, and fought through it. When I woke I was very disturbed but the more I embraced the disturbed grossed out emotions, and worked through them and thus using things like a knife to kill the fish/spiders, the more I realized my emotions can be trusted to do the right things to insure my survival and thrive-al. In fact by the time i got out of bed its usually a mental/intellectual i-gotta-do-all-these-things-today type effort. Instead I let my emotional core in my body get me out of bed, and I felt much more energized despite having had a disturbing dream.

It’s gross creepy stuff I need to embrace and accept emotionally in my dreams as well as in real life and then trust my emotions to work through them. I got some insight from a new DaVinci show, where he does gross things without being emotionally grossed out. Once I do that I can literally feel it freeing up and unlocking diverted energy pathways!! It’s the root source to my chronic fatigue. The cool things is I can show this emotional work to my ego, and show it how it benefits from the additional energy, and then it will embrace this process where before it resisted.

If you don’t trust people to fix themselves, you don’t really trust the universe, and if the universe created you you can’t trust yourself.

My gf mentioned she trusts herself more than the universe…..what a paradox.

Seth is really big on trusting yourself especially your emotions. It’s most difficult with unpleasant personal emotions, but that is where all the growth lies. Distancing yourself from unpleasant emotions diverts energy to those areas leaving less for you.

Much of the self-distrust and thus outward distrust comes, form a mother who was not caring in the appropriate ways. A child crying and not cared for, or purposefully ignored and neglected WILL develop self esteem issues and thus self trust issues. This is the groundwork then for all subsequent limiting beliefs.

Seth makes a big deal about living in a safe universe, trusting the self and universe and appreciating the self and its accomplishments for these very reasons.

For me trusting my emotions to work through creepy feelings is important. If I can’t trust my own emotions to work through the unpleasantness I sure won’t be able to trust others peoples emotions to do similar types of things, and I will judge them.

If you are giving advice to someone and it doesn’t come from a place of emotionally relaxed outcome-independent space, its a huge red flag you are dealing with a similar issue. In all likelihood though its hidden inside yourself and it may take some work uncovering it. The ego loves to assert its authority and is very clever at tricking itself in these terms. It thinks it has some intellectual mastery over the advice you may be giving someone else, but the emotions you feel at the moment and if their not from a relaxed caring place will tell you the real truth.

P.S. I was much inspired from watching Denzel Washington in Flight last night. He piloted a plane did some truly scary stuff, but remained calm, calling it instinct. In it he is an alcoholic who tries to change his life. Watching an INFJ create a new unifying principle/framework to base their lives around is an awesome learning tool. The emotional/belief reorganization it entails is so clearly depicted. It offers a create template/blueprint. At the end, his son asks him, “Who are you?”

Which is interesting. The first thing that comes to my mind when someone asks that questions is that we are the sum of our experiences. Our ego particularly likes that narrative. This is why people when asked the question may list their educational achievements, job title, ethnicity, nationality, age, name, etc. However the personality has the ability to reorganize itself around entirely new unifying principles. This fundamentally changes identity, even for the ego, or especially most importantly. You really can become a very new person, very different from the one you were.

So when some asks “who are you?” you can point out you are/were many different people, even in the same lifetime and that the person you may be tomorrow may be very different. The question can not be answered. It request stability of identity when fundamentally there is none.

Anxiety experienced in the body

I have been practicing some self-Somatic-therapy type stuff lately and having some excellent results.

Firstly anxiety is my number one most strongly and most commonly felt “negative” emotion. I feel that negative emotion more than any other such as, anger, sadness, contempt, fear, disgust, shame, etc. Which leads me to an interesting question. What is your most commonly felt negative emotion? What is your most strongly felt negative emotion? Likewise what about positive?

If it takes you some time to figure the answer out, it means you are not very in tune with your emotional world. Personal emotional awareness is key in order to enact change. Hence why I have been practicing this. It’s rather tough, but it’s good practice to often ask yourself, what emotion am I currently feeling, how does it make my body feel, where is it located, do I like this emotion, why is it there, what purpose is it serving?

For myself I discovered my most common emotional state is a slight case of anxiety felt across my entire torso, stomach and chest. Even when I am sitting and relaxing a hint of that feeling exists. I have to put effort into changing it into a feeling of being content. So I have been doing that periodically throughout the day. It means I have to stop my crazy fast thought stream, and pay attention to my body specifically the emotion I am feeling in my torso.

One thing I realized is that it appears anxiety and it’s opposite the feeling of being content/relaxed, appear to use the exact same felt nervous system structure in my body. It’s the same pathway! In the past I have tended to dissociate from this part of my body, going into my head under circumstances of moderate to intense anxiety. It’s like when your standing in front of a crowd and your nervous about presenting, and you fake confidence, ignoring your body and focusing intensely on the task at hand with your mind. This style of coping was something I had basically adopted permanently as a way of being! Not good! The reaction became subconscious and thus evaded my cognitive awareness…until now.

By focusing on the felt feeling of content/relaxedness I find it gives me incredible confidence, and slows my hyperactive cognitive mind way down. It’s still a bit tough for me to do in social situations, however I am getting better. I constantly have to bring awareness to this phenomena. One thing I realized is that since it uses the same nervous system pathway as anxiety, I can switch between the two very, very quickly. This disturbed me slightly however, It makes the path of regulating these emotions very stark and with good contrast. As I become more aware of the positive emotion, my brain builds new pathways cementing that feeling and making it more permanent and accessible. In fact the feeling grows of being content/relaxed grows with intensity overtime and this is incredibly exciting.

Neurons that fire together, wire together. So thus I am now re-programming my subconscious reactions on an emotional level for various contexts, primarily social. My goal here is mastery of emotional regulation. Particularly the anxiety/relaxed axis. This is the far superior method to “Fake it till you make it” because you don’t run the risk of learning emotional suppression. By tuning into the feeling of emotional confidence (relaxed/content state) you can conjure it at will and this is where true authentic confidence comes from.

Being invested in your-self and self-awareness

Figured out two cool new things that are facilitating some pretty important belief changes within myself over the last few days.

Going through some game material and came across this quote:

“The fundamental basis of attraction is you are more invested in your opinion of yourself than other people’s opinion of you.” – Nic K

Growing up I was pretty much taught the exact opposite. In the church community I cared very much, as did everyone else what people thought of me. Other peoples opinions mattered, often more so than my own about me. It makes sense when you are taught that God/Jesus is watching your every move, your every thought and that he is judging you every moment on your life. The eternal salvation of your soul rests very much on what an external figure’s opinion of you is. It’s no surprise this very same dynamic is thus replicated among society…it ties in with shame.

Probably the big kicker is often we are very concerned about our parents opinion of us. When we are young children we deem it as important to our survival, and it to some degree it is. However as we grow older, instead of subconsciously holding onto that belief, it is important to abandon it, so we can be self empowered creatures, not chain bound to the opinions of those who brought us here. This is growing up, this is maturity. You might be financially separate form them, but are you emotionally? They could even be dead and you may still hold onto the beliefs they have instilled in you…trying to live up to them. Who’s standards are you really living by? What ARE you standards? Where did they come from?

So I came up with a new belief and that is: “My opinion of myself is the ONLY important one.”

When it comes down to it, it almost seems paradoxical, but there is a very subtle line here. You are accountable to yourself only. It doesn’t matter whatever other people think of you, as long as you are acting in accordance with your highest best self. You are your own worst judge, and really ultimately when you die/reincarnate your ONLY judge. Karma isn’t forced upon you, it is something you choose, in order to grow all by yourself.

Your actions and their effectiveness among other people, your ability to communicate effectively, all the power lies with you in how you articulate yourself. And this leads to my 2nd discovery.

Self-awareness is the key to being more aware of others. I realized that most of my life I am walking around projecting what I think about people on them. I am listening to them, but I am listening more to my projection of them, than really them. It is like I have created my own bubble world, which I am not even a part of.

I started by becoming very aware of what my hands and arms were doing. This really brought me into my body. Then I became aware of all my physical body sensations, then sounds and the visual sharpness of reality. I turn to the feeling sensing core of my being and became super aware of my body, and my ability to be more aware of it instead of just my head and mind/ and all its mental projections. I realized by using this consciousness shift in perception by being more aware of myself, I was more aware of the emotional state of others, as well I felt much more empowered. My intelligence flows more freely. Often my mind and thoughts go to fast for my body, but now everything is more in sync.

I feel like I am living more in real reality rather than the fantasy I have created & concocted in my head/mind. There is much more peace here, the world seems happier, more alive.

At first I thought abandoning the mind for the body like that would stop all thoughts, and I would lose perception of my surroundings. I was baffled at first. But I realized I can rely on another deeper more physical intelligence, more grounded, which is actually far more intelligent than my projecting mind alone.

Session # 7 , Wednesday February 22, 2012

I believe it was in Taoist china, every village had what was called the village idiot, who was also simultaneously the village wiseman. This person would do everything in the opposite way that people in the village did things. By doing this, he was showing them via difference what it was they were doing. If there is no variation or way to compare what you are doing to something else, you won’t really be aware of what it is you do. “Idiot” actually comes from the Latin word “idios” which means individual, which lends to difference/diversity.

In this session I asked my therapist mostly about his history. He said he really got into Philosophy of Mind, Consciousness and Awareness around his high school years due to his more “intelligent” friends getting him to read all these books they thought were really cool. My therapist subsequently moved to a commune where this Russian Master dude had a cult like following of people all trying to raise their awareness. There also was some brilliant Russian Mathematician there as well. I’ll have to get the names. Anyways my therapist was interested in awareness and how it relates to human evolvement.

Awareness is a somewhat ambiguous term. Awareness of what? Primarily awareness of self. This gets sortav into Buddhist/Taoism now. My therapist explained that most people are quite unconscious being a patterned product of their environment. People do the things their nervous system was conditioned to do since a very young age. The key is to become aware of the conditioning the neural, nervous system conditioning (he is talking body sense conditioning here not Mind conditioning all though it includes that as well) and once you are aware of it you can change it! Somatic-therapy is a technique in how to change basic programming on a very core emotional level. He said you can batter people with logic all day long and change their “mind” but if you don’t change their emotional core programming nothing really changes and said person resorts back to their neural body conditioning. In order to change, awareness is key, thus awareness of self and emotions and what they are, how they work, what they’re saying, is fundamental to evolvement. So the chief goal is to become more fully aware more present chiefly of your frontal emotional center, and to avoid dissociation which is the opposite to presence. This is how you change yourself and evolve spiritually.

This is how you step out of the unconscious conditioning that the masses find themselves, and grow. Plus he said all things in the mind come first from the neural intelligence of the emotional nervous/neural network, and that this is scientifically proven. Thus the human biological brain really is a secondary interpreter/ image creator from impulses and intelligence arising from the enteric/limbic primal nervous system. It’s that system he believes is key in order to unlock human potential. Which is really cool!!!

He said he really doesn’t care what people think, or what goes on in their head. He said it really doesn’t matter. What he cares about is what people feel deep in their core, and how well aware they are of that deeper mostly ignored feeling/intuitive intelligence.

There is a really strong connection between this core frontal body emotional intelligence and psychic abilities. This is where I believe the power of precognition comes from, telepathy, intuitive knowing, intuitions, etc. Somatic-therapy provides perhaps one of the best frameworks at developing this intuitive type of intelligence.

Keeping in line with awareness, curiosity is paramount. You have to be curious about yourself in order to bring awareness to those inner core feelings and intelligence. He told me a story of how this Noble prize winning chemist at Harvard insisted on teaching the Intro Chem classes. He would drop in on students in labs and ask them what they thought was going on in their experiments. He wasn’t looking to see if they were doing it right though, what the was interested in was how people thought. He could care less about their conclusions, he was using his students to learn about how they learn, how they are self aware, and how they develop intelligence. He then used this knowledge to improve himself. For this is where he saw true intelligence lay, and that is in integrating as many different ways that people learn so he himself could learn and operate better.

My therapist said he can very quickly tell how intelligent someone is. If he comes across a person who thinks they know everything and isn’t interested in how HE thinks then he knows they are not very intelligent for they have very little capability of true intelligent growth. However when he does come across a person interested in “how” HE thinks he realizes he has met an intelligent person. It is the differences among us that lead to a self reflective process which increases personal self centered awareness.

This is why diversity of thought, intelligence is so important. It gives rise to greater awareness, creativity and evolvement/ spiritual growth. This was another very profound “mind blown” session. This is really cool stuff. Oh yea my therapist went to Harvard for some 10 years, but only was enrolled for 4. He spent 6 years bumming around talking to students finding out about good instructors and then dropping in on classes for free. He was there in the early 1970’s at the time that BF skinner was there (famous behaviour psychologist), Herbert Benson (famous mediation guy who studied Tibetan Buddhist monks) as well as the guy who was making LSD, and many others. He knew a lot of these gentlemen.