The Defense mechanism that has a defense mechanism

It appears we all have insecurities we wear on our sleeves. They become a statement of our identity of our victim-hood. We rationalize their purpose as being “good” somehow in that it serves a critical purpose in moral righteousness and keeping us safe and pure.

Last night I discovered my one INFP-friend used jealousy. He actually defended his jealousy and said it was a good “natural” thing. He felt righteous in having it. The downfall is he couldn’t stay on facebook longer than 3 days, because he was overcome with jealousy to the point where it emotionally drained everything out of him. Also the uncertainty of online interaction and social conventions/expectations totally crippled him. He viewed everyone as caricatures of themselves insecurities covered up with false personas and incessant narcissism.

He defended his “right” to jealousy, in that to him it was a badge of his uniqueness. On one level he realized it was perhaps a “negative” insecurity but he didn’t care. Jealousy is a defense mechanism, and signifies that you are envious of other people leading lives and having things you desire yourself but feel powerless to create for yourself.

I told him if he was living his life in true accordance with his inner self and inner most desires that he would have everything he desired and jealousy would thus be impossible. In fact he would be happy for others. You can’t be happy for others if you are not happy for yourself.

My gf also an INFP also has an equally powerful defense mechanism. And that is negativity/hatred/anger towards other people.  When people don’t behave in accordance to her personal set of self-righteous values and standards, often when it even doesn’t directly affect her, it will incite great anger. Again seen form her perspective this is a righteous “good” pure anger that is most necessary in establishing high ideals and of course safety.

When I then critique her on her overt negativity, she defends her defense mechanism quite well and swiftly. To her it has kept her safe from her mothers dangerous boyfriends and all the dangerous things out in the world. To her it seems perfectly justified and if it’s excessive at times, well…she doesn’t really notice.

This sets up a dangerous baseline emotional blueprint. If for example my INFP-friend is not feeling jealousy in some amount throughout the day he will feel like somethings wrong, he will likely feel unsafe and maybe not even know why. Same with my gf, the negativity directed at other peoples way of being becomes this baseline emotion, that needs to be continually fed. If there isn’t something in her immediate social environment to ego-trip about then shell use a past memory or even make something up.

Everyone rationalizes their behaviors, when it’s obviously negative it should be a clear red flag something is deeply amiss.

So what is my defense mechanism I have defense mechanisms for? Probably excusing other peoples bad behavior. I learned to excuse my mothers emotional abuse of me, for my own survival. I defend other peoples insecurities all the while being terrified of them and thusly having judged them with disgust.

In many ways I am similar to my INFP-friend. My jealousy isn’t so much about the material things other people have, but the connection they have with friends. A picture of someone with their friends on instagram, will elicit a near instantaneous subconscious disgust reaction. The thing I desire most (connection) is also something I am often equally disgusted when I see it in other people. According to my therapist because my mother didn’t connect with me adequately, I resented connection outright.

It would stand to reason then I still needed her for my survival and thus I excused her bad “behavior” and rationalized it away in order to keep myself sane in the face of a clear lack of necessary empathetic connection.

That’s the thing about our defense mechanisms, at one point in our lives they kept us sane at the sheer injustice we felt being inflicted on us. The problem is that the defense mechanism becomes anticipatory and thusly becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Even more dangerously it becomes a beast we need to feed in order to feel like things are “normal”. If things get too good….something must be amiss we reason, so we then conjure up ghosts of the past to re-create that feeling of self-defense.

The secret to resolving these issues is partly as follows.

For my INFP-friend and his jealousy, he would need to start to learn how to feel good about the creative materializing abundance power in himself first, and then feel good and relaxed about other people when they create abundance for themselves.

For my gf and her anger-at-others-peoples-bad-behavior issue, she needs to start feeling good and relaxed about her own behaviors instead of righteous/justified in her actions/in defense of…;; and then begin looking and feeling good about other peoples good behavior.

For myself I need to learn how to feel good about doing what I want, and putting my own emotions first, and feeling relaxed about it instead of other peoples. Then I need to feel good when other people put themselves first in a relaxed manner instead of compromising themselves to other peoples emotional whims/needs.

I need to feel good about coming from my inner self and connecting emotionally from there with others. My entire way of relating to people, in terms of being overly invested in their emotional state and forgetting my own needs to change. I need to feel good and relaxed about voicing my own emotional desires and not worrying about it’s affects on others. And then feel good when I see others do the same thing.

Recently my gf and I have been watching the new TV show “From Dusk Till Dawn”. It is very much like most Quentin Tarantino movies in terms of style. An interesting thing I noticed is the main characters in the show typically have no mind filter. They are always stating out loud how they feel and what they desire in an aspergers fearless type way. The show takes what is normally very intense survival type situations and gives it this comedic overlay often injected at key intense moments. The effect is one of regulating intensity of emotion with humor. Very effective. The characters follow their hearts regardless of cataclysmic consequences and stay true to themselves.

The characters may do horrible things but at least they are doing horrible things with integrity and respect to themselves. In a strange way I find the characters forthrightness very therapeutic. It provides a good emotional template in that even in extreme survival situations the characters remain unusually calm, relaxed and true to themselves. Often even when they know they are going to die, or are in the process of dying.

I believe Quentin Tarantino is trying to teach himself through his characters a new way of being. I doubt he realizes he is even doing this. When we dream for example we feel that we merely one player among many, not realizing that dream character we are scared of or fighting we actually created to teach us a lesson about ourselves.

It is thus important that when we see traits in others we admire, we emotionally begin to embody that new emotional way of being for our personal benefit. Many people don’t take this simple little step. For example many people admire animals for their cuteness, but what they are really admiring is how present they are. Few take that opportunity to become and be like that animal and to embody the same qualities that make it “cute” in the first place.

My Deepest wound

A reoccurring dream I keep having is that someone is chasing me and trying to kill. It always is a middle-aged/older man who is balding who is on the heavy set side. The most recent it was a bodybuilder then man/dragon and then a snake-man.

A dream I had the other night I was standing in a food-court and couldn’t make up my mind what to eat. Eventually I decided to get some Indian food, and I thought I could pick what I wanted instead the brown lady behind the counter just started putting stuff on many gross things as if it was a set plan. I knew I didn’t want to eat it, but couldn’t bring myself to tell her to stop.

Also recently I had another dream where a middle-aged/older man with graying hair who reminded me of a previous ISFJ boss who fired me, was getting me to redo some electrical wiring. I knew I really didn’t want to be doing these things or be there, but I felt compelled to follow his dictates.

Social anxiety has been the major force in many of my negative dreams. I have this outright fear to stand up for myself. I am terrified of being attacked. I feel small and weak inside at the very deepest core of my being. There is a hurt/fear there that I have spent a large part of my life in denial of. People have always found it surprisingly easy to be mean to me despite my stature/looks/ obvious intellectual intelligence. My ego reasoning mind can be fierce, but the inner infant in me is extremely vulnerable especially socially.

I realize now that my parents have the same issue, and probably their parents as well, if not almost everyone to some degree.

People have different ways of compensating for this kind of fear. The ego often becomes abusive/manipulative in order to cope. When a mother does that to her infant/child however it can be very damaging, and this is the kind of damage that is my deepest wound.

My therapist tried getting me to be angry, but somehow I feel it’s like a superficial response much like bullying or violence. I want the inner infant in me to be strong and powerful not my outer-self ego being superficially angry-strong and artificially papering over that inner child’s hurt.

I feel like anger does have it’s place but most humans make a terrible template for it because most people use anger to cover insecurities and fear. Perhaps the anger an animal exhibits is more raw and pure.

However I still feel like there is something I am missing….that there is something on an extremely deep level that has been covered up by a mountain/lifetime of denial that I need to repair. Denial is contagious and almost everyone engages it in some form or another.

I feel gratitude to have a gf that actively seeks and questions her very own denial, in similar vain and degree as myself.

I feel like I’m very close…I have Identified the primary issue and now how to learn to resolve it emotionally. How is it that I can strengthen and empower my inner child, and then up to all levels of my being/self?

 

 

 

 

 

The feeling of being violated and the benefits of anger

Last night I had a dream where some movers had come into my house to take my dresser away, and I stopped them before they were to leave to take all my stuff out of the drawers. I didn’t mind them taking the dresser, then it turned into a suitcase and I started taking out all this old clothing (read emotions) I forgot I even had. That was just the top compartment, the bottom was empty to my surprise. I guess maybe this symbolizes the work I had already done.

Then these people were going to take my suitcase away but I got upset because I needed in 2 weeks time to go travelling. Then my dad and his dad (my grandpa) started arguing in their super stubborn ISTJ manner. I got furious and stormed off. Over the last few days I had been arguing with a stubborn woman on the internet who is also an ISTJ about spirituality stuff and the ego specifically.

The second part of the dream dredged up memories I had largely forgotten and repressed. I had gone to my room to find my computer missing and realized my mom had hired a guy to move it to a central location so she could watch my every move online. The guy had also gone through all my personal files and moved things around. This actually happened to me in real-life as a teenager on a few occasions. People helping themselves to things I consider my property/ and or myself.

In the dream i became so rage-full I threw that fat hired guy down on the ground and wimping in the corner as he defiantly defended himself and I gave him the finger. Then I turned on my mother grabbing her by the neck, and thinking I need to take out one of her organs so she can know what it feels like to be totally violated.  The rage I was experiencing was so over-powering it almost immobilized me. I am very inexperienced with anger so when it does come it becomes difficult to contain it. I rarely, very rarely get angry but when I do watch the fuck out. Being an enTj i usually deal with things very rationally and logically.

So I have a problem with people especially chicks taking advantage of me, and this is because I was violated by my parents. (not sexually, but emotional violation all the same) You see my parents are hard-core fundamentalist Christians. They believe things like TV’s are devils boxes and all musical drums are evil because they were used for demon worship in Africa. This is the shit I used to believe when I was a kid.

I have always been a curious person, and questioned my beliefs a lot. I read books like Eckhart Tolle the Power of Now which my parents promptly took away on me under the guise it was “not christian”. Needles to say many of my books would go missing, things would get moved around if a game I played had “magic” in it like World of Warcraft i was not allowed to play. I lived in a very constrained environment where rock music was evil, and my parents violated me in many ways.

My therapist realized this and said one of my primary issues is not being able to feel anger. I thought this was a good thing anger=bad, I’m a better person. But no it’s actually quite unhealthy. Then he had me imagine being a Tiger and mauling my mother. This is the basis of Somatic Psycho-Therapy hence the title of the book that kickstarted this new paradigm shift in psychotherapy named “Waking the Tiger”.

So what to do now about this feeling of violation….My mom had been raped when she was a teenager, but this in itself was probably brought about because she had been violated emotionally by her parents her mother who was an ISFJ. Insecure ISFJ parents are notoriously controlling and emotionally manipulative. So this is a generational issue.

My mom feared/paranoid for my safety when I was a kid, so I picked up internalized much of her anxiety thus attracting situations where people would violate me in small ways. Being a dude and a calculating one at that usually it was nothing every major. Just small emotional things which are much more devious, and can be more effective. Women are particularly adept at these arts because they don’t have force/might on their side. It’s often socially acceptable for women to emotionally manipulate, but unacceptable for boys/men to fight. I mean what are you gonna do punch a woman/mom in the face every time she uses an emotion to get her way??

Hence the creation of a new breed of “beta” supplicating men. Men biologically and now socially are at a disadvantage. This is the cue to adapt and evolve and this means being able to build boundaries using anger if necessary as a momma tiger does to protect her cubs. Except instead of protecting cubs you are protecting yourself. This means becoming  aware of all the subtle little emotional tactics people use to get their way and violate you in almost insignificant ways. Death by a thousand cuts.

My therapist had me try to summon anger, and hold it, stare at people with a glare that says “how dare you intrude on my boundaries”. This is something I REALLY NOT A FUCK TON of practice in. Otherwise these dreams will keep coming back to haunt me.

In essence this all about having respect for your self, your inner-self and your emotions. This is difficult but highly necessary. This is new territory for me, and would be an issue for anyone that had over-bearing fearful insecure parents like mine. They feel powerless so they look for ways to take power away from others for themselves. This however never works. It’s a maladapted way of trying to become secure.

Evil dictators, war mongers suffer from the same kinds of childhood traumas. If children were taught to properly experience and use anger, we wouldn’t have school shootings as all those repressed emotions spill out dangerously. It’s our overly pious insecure christian society that is at fault in my opinion.

So back to resolving this issue for myself. The first thing for me is to become aware of my emotions when I am feeling manipulated/violated. Next is to build and construct anger with integrity in a deep powerful and controlled way. Next is to use it if necessary.

I have to practice feeling anger in my emotional core. Becoming comfortable with it and not disgusted by it. I need to convince myself and my emotions that his is a good method of preserving the sanctity and worth of my own being. So that I can move into anger and out with ease. That i can feel anger and compassion simultaneously. That ideal anger is about protection not about hurting. It’s about creating proper boundaries.

Usually when we see anger in society it’s not the good kind, its the kind that people experience when it’s too late and they already feel powerless and its a fight survival response. the GOAL here is to be able to feel anger even when your survival is not at stake and you are not having a high level of activation. Paradoxically when many people experience anger they are very dissociated form their emotional body. You can see this when someone looks like they have smoke coming out of their ears and their face turns red with rage.

The anger is all in their head! The goal is to have anger coming from the heart like a cold anger that is very present. IN some ways this is more frighting but its a type of anger that you haven’t lost your cool. My therapist showed me how he does and holy shit it looks fucking scary. He old me this is how to do anger in the good way. It’s a don’t mess with me I’m serious look. Mastering the kind of anger and being able to communicate that would do wonders for society in terms of all the repression people engage in and then their top my blow or they develop some crippling disease that’s a drain to themselves and society.

People who I could possibly template good anger from are Samuel Jackson, Denzel Washington or Robert Deniro. INFJ’s are master’s at this. I have to pretend feeling the same way. Practice, practice, practice. This is one for my cheat sheet.

 

 

 

 

How to deal with a emotionally projecting/manipulating mother?

Another thing I figured out talking with my gf, is that I am very resistant to having empathy for people I unintentionally hurt.

My mother’s primary manipulation tool has always been making other people responsible for her emotional state of being. She latches in to people very quickly, and uses extreme sorrow, and “you are hurting me” attitude to get other people to do her bidding. She is very effective at making people feel guilty.

She personally tried to “make” me feel bad, a lot considering how much of what I have been interested in (spirituality) goes against her values. So she attempted to make me responsible for her suffering. She will stand there with the most hurt, pained looked you have ever seen in your life, and make eye contact with you. If you gaze avert, she’s won. She can milk that emotion for a very, very, VERY long time. She is a master at “making” you responsible for her victim state. The hurt and pain she can unleash at moment’s call is truly astounding. It is all consuming, like a negative vortex sucking in all things beyond anyone’s control.

And to be honest I think it must have worked to a small degree. I think even my resistance, or anger towards her actions, was a success for her in terms of the controlling emotional response she can illicit. She reminds me very much of my sister in these terms, except my sister uses health.

The thing is almost no one has the power to “make” her take responsibility for her own emotions. (except her dad…and hopefully me now) If people disengage her projections stick.
My mother really is a master emotional manipulator, for she completely controls a relationship dynamic, or conversation with her sorrowful pouting.

I am not 100% sure how to deal with this….because I feel ignoring her doesn’t work.
I think the best way may be to amusingly talk about her “hurt” feelings, as if it was some strange creature that wasn’t her that was emoting them. Any ideas?

Session#3 – Saturday Feb 18th, 2012

Yea Conscious Loving was one of my therapists top recommended books. That goes a long ways considering his caliber.

I told my therapist how my sister and Mom are so drama bound, and he asked me to think what was the goal of their drama? I have just always ascribed it to the ego, however he told me that there is some fundamental need of theirs that isn’t being met and that if it were they wouldn’t be like that…..Hmm I’m totally stumped! What could it be? For my mother I think it might have something to do with her dad..but for my sister!?

Wow, this was one of my best sessions yet! I explained to my therapist my family dynamics as to how I see them. And then we talked about my feelings. Specifically ANGER. Now anger is not something i am typically prone to, so it was a bit of a laughing matter for me. It seems that I have anger issues, in that I don’t display enough ANGER. I actually felt like that session was like the movie Anger Management with Adam Sandler. My therapist tried making me angry so I could study the emotion. Hilarious!! ROFLMAO!

Anyways, so my mother violated a lot of my boundaries projecting her emotional reality onto mine and shaming/guillting me into conforming with hers. This normally would make a person very angry, but it’s tough to be angry at someone who is your source of survival. It’s like people who titoe around their boss for fear of upsetting their boss making him/her angry and then losing their job. Except when your a kid and its not your job, but your life that appears to be at stake its much more dire.

So I repressed my anger, in addition to this my parents themselves don’t really get angry when someone violates them, so I never learned it from them. My aunt will get angry over small things and publicly throw a temper tantrum, so I had that in juxtaposition. My therapist seems to think I repressed my anger, as well as my parents, in order not to appear “crazy”. It’s like in Japan, public displays of anger, are considered losing face.

So I tried getting in touch with my anger emotion. Seems to work best on my knifing thieving manipulating sister. (I do love her deep down)

The cool thing about anger is that it brings an emotional contentedness to myself, it’s very similar to an emotional contentedness found in meditation. There is great power in stern controlled expressed anger. Temper tantrum rage anger is out-of control, and i guess I never have really differentiated the two types of anger in my mind. Robert deniro when he is pissed is a good example of controlled anger. Or sometimes Samuel l Jackson. In the words of my therapist its a “DON”T FUCK WITH ME” anger. 🙂

This experience allowed me to build a path of emotional confidence. I’m used to ignoring my emotions and rationalizing them away, especially negative emotions.

There is great power to be found in emotional centerdness, this is one of the attributes that attracted me to my gf. She is very good at it. This is what confidence is!!! I always thought confidence was an intellectual state of mind, but really its an emotional state!!! It’s a body sense/feeling state distinct from the mind in my opinion. This is the beauty of somatic-therapy it connects the emotions of the body with the mind. Most people have their emotions locked in their mind and don’t express them through their body! When the emotional body heart/chakra centered state gets combined with the intellect a true synthesis develops and it gives you an almost invincible feeling!! Wow so cool!! This is why integrating/synergizing emotions and intellect is so VERY important!! This is true spiritual evolution type stuff!

I think I just figured out what the big thing is that my sister, mom & dad to some degree need in their life. The thing they are lacking that they become miserable over in order to try and get. And that is friends. All 3 are very strong introverted and isolate themselves from the world. They have no friends that share their values, interests and inclinations. No friends that constructively challenge them. They have closed themselves off in a bubble world where they try to make ME into their friend. The thing is my interests, values are radically different than theirs I cant be their “friend”. I will be their son, and brother, but I cant also wear the friend hat, not with such core differences. Thus the most important thing for them IMO is the Vortex and the law of attraction!!